{"id":802,"date":"2014-09-30T19:02:00","date_gmt":"2014-10-01T02:02:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/theresarogers.art\/?p=802"},"modified":"2022-07-18T23:12:21","modified_gmt":"2022-07-19T06:12:21","slug":"the-hidden-motivation-shame-part-2-how-to-use-it-to-chart-character-growth","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/theresarogers.art\/?p=802","title":{"rendered":"The Hidden Motivation: Shame Part 2: How to Use It to Chart Character Growth"},"content":{"rendered":"

In my October 1st\u00a0article, I defined shame and described how it shows up. I outlined the shame spiral, which makes explicable characters acting in inexplicable ways. Now we move on to how to use this tool to craft character arcs.<\/p>\n

Shame is a powerful way to show character growth. Dr. Bren\u00e9 Brown, who\u2019s been researching shame and vulnerability for over a decade, outlines three steps to follow to break the cycle of shame. Starting with a character lost in shame (as outlined in Part 1), chart a character\u2019s recognition and use of them to chart growth:<\/p>\n

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  1. Talk to yourself like you talk to someone you love. \u201cI would say to myself, \u2018God, you\u2019re so stupid, Bren\u00e9,\u2019\u201d Brown says. \u201cI would never talk to my kids that way.\u201d Show a character\u2019s self-talk shifting.<\/em><\/li>\n
  2. Reach out to someone you trust. Show a character moving from isolation to increasing levels of vulnerability with others.<\/em><\/li>\n
  3. Tell your story. \u201cShame cannot survive being spoken,\u201d Brown says. The ultimate level of vulnerability is sharing a shame story. This could complete a growth arc as a character finally shares her\/his deepest secrets.<\/em><\/li>\n
  4. Secrecy, silence and judgment: those are the three things shame needs to grow exponentially in our lives. The antidote? Empathy. [Shame] cannot survive being spoken and being met with empathy.\u201d [1]<\/a>Your character will need to find someone who has empathy for them in order for these steps to be possible. [Italicized comments mine.<\/em><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

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    These are not easy steps to follow, so don\u2019t show them as easy in your story. It\u2019s a hard truth that \u201cthe greater the humiliation, the more strength of character will be required to overcome it.\u201d[2]<\/a> Please don\u2019t show a character overcoming such a challenge alone. It\u2019s unrealistic, and it sends the shaming message that asking for help is weak. As someone who has suffered from a crippling level of shame her whole life, I can tell you with authority and from personal experience that it\u2019s not until you ask for help that anything can really begin to shift. But asking for help is as difficult as living in the prison of shame.<\/p>\n

    There are three reasons overcoming shame so difficult to do. \u201cWe change from a place of self-worth, not a place of shame, powerlessness and isolation.\u201d[3]<\/a> So first a character must deal with powerlessness and isolation; only then can they shift their self-worth.<\/p>\n

    Powerlessness: \u201cShame often produces overwhelming and painful feelings of confusion, fear, anger, judgment and\/or the need to escape or hide from the situation. It\u2019s difficult to identify shame as the core issue when we\u2019re trying to manage all these very intense feelings. It would be highly unusual to be in the middle of a shaming experience and think, \u201cOh, I\u2019m aware of what\u2019s happening\u2014this is shame. What are my choices and how can I change this?\u201d Even when we recognize it, the silencing and secret nature of shame makes it very difficult for us to identify and act on the choices that could actually facilitate change or free us from the shame trap. This is what I mean by powerlessness.\u201d[4]<\/a><\/p>\n

    A character is powerless to change in the face of shame because they can\u2019t necessarily recognize it\u2019s in control. The first step is to recognize what is making them feel powerless\u2014the secret they can\u2019t bear to share with anyone for fear of the isolation threatened if they do.<\/p>\n

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    Isolation: Jean Baker Miller and Irene Stiver, Relational-Cultural theorists from the Stone Center at Wellesley College, have beautifully captured the overwhelming nature of isolation. They write, \u201cWe believe that the most terrifying and destructive feeling that a person can experience is psychological isolation. This is not the same as being alone. It is a feeling that one is locked out of the possibility of human connection and of being powerless to change the situation. In the extreme, psychological isolation can lead to a sense of hopelessness and desperation. People will do almost anything to escape this combination of condemned isolation and powerlessness.\u201d[5]<\/a> As awful as this feeling of isolation is, because of the secretive nature of shame, sufferers feel trapped in it. Why? Because it is combined with powerlessness.<\/p>\n

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    by Andrew Vasiliev<\/em><\/p>\n

    Then they must deal with the issue of self-worth. \u201cIt’s no easy feat to admit to flaws, because that means they’re real and we have to confront them. Accepting our mistakes or shortcomings\u2014choices that may not have served us well, unflattering ways others may perceive us, or subtle imperfections that gnaw away at us\u2014is uncomfortable\u2026.\u201d[6]<\/a> To put it mildly. Empathy from another character is both how your character develops trust and <\/em>a big part in how they begin to change their self-talk, which reveals self-worth. \u201c[S]elf-talk is essential in breaking free from the shame spiral.\u201d[7]<\/a> When a shamed person recognizes another\u2019s empathy, the hold shame has on them begins to lessen, and there is room for their self-talk to shift, as well. Showing our character\u2019s inner voice is how we chart this shift.<\/p>\n

    These reasons are why it is so terribly difficult to move beyond shame. To do it, a character must reveal the very thing they believe will make them isolated outcasts forever. The arc must follow a) recognition of the secret being kept and\/or the power of fear it has over them; b) the ability to develop a trusting relationship with someone based on empathy; and c) the ability to overcome the fear inherent in revealing that very secret, which can\u2019t be done until the character\u2019s self-worth is stronger than their fear. This happens when the character realizes a very important distinction: \u201c[W]ho she is [is] distinct from the things she’s done.\u201d[8]<\/a> Again, this cannot be done alone. Please don\u2019t show it being done in isolation.<\/p>\n

    You can also use the reverse of this process of moving closer to show setbacks in your character\u2019s growth arc. The reverse involves moving away, moving toward, and moving against. \u201cIn order to deal with shame, we have learned to move away<\/em> by withdrawing, hiding, silencing ourselves and secret-keeping. We have also learned the strategy of moving toward<\/em>. This can be seen when we attempt to earn connection by appeasing and pleasing. Last, we develop ways to move against<\/em>. These include trying to gain power over others, using shame to fight shame, and aggression.\u201d[9]<\/a><\/p>\n

    The back-and-forth nature of this struggle is tailor-made for the romance genre, or any genre which features a relationship. We add power to our stories when we understand the underlying reasons why we\u2019re adding events to a character\u2019s arc. Shame, and the ways I\u2019ve shown we can use it as writers, makes our job easier and adds such depth and sympathy to our characters\u2014and draws empathy from our readers.<\/p>\n

    There is so much more I could write about this very important subject and its connection to deep characterization and growth. Please, if you\u2019re interested, start by reading Bren\u00e9 Brown\u2019s Women & Shame: Reaching Out, Speaking Truths and Building Connection<\/em> (3C Press, 2004).<\/p>\n

    As I said at the end of Part 1, this is a tough article. Unlike most writing on our craft, this has the potential for you to recognize much of what I\u2019ve written about in yourself, as well. I know it was hard for me to research and write. Please know that, wherever you are in relation to this subject, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. As Dr. Brown says, if you are able, grab those people you trust the most and \u201creach out and tell your story. You’ve got to speak your shame.” If you are struggling, please\u2014help is both available and necessary. Take good care of yourself.<\/p>\n

    [1]<\/a> Bren\u00e9 Brown\u2019s 3 Steps to Break the Cycle of Shame, www.huffingtonpost.com\/2013\/10\/08\/brene-brown-shame-oprah_n_4059675.html<\/a>.<\/p>\n

    [2]<\/a> David Corbett, The Art of Character, <\/em>Penguin Books, 2013, p.148. This book has several excellent discussions on shame and exercises to explore it in a character.<\/p>\n

    [3]<\/a> Dr. Bren\u00e9 Brown, Motherhood, Shame, and Society,<\/em> www.mothersmovement.org<\/a>, August, 2004.<\/p>\n

    [4]<\/a> Dr. Bren\u00e9 Brown, Motherhood, Shame, and Society,<\/em> www.mothersmovement.org<\/a>, August, 2004.<\/p>\n

    [5]<\/a> Jean Baker Miller and Irene Stiver, Motherhood, Shame, and Society,<\/em> www.mothersmovement.org<\/a>, August, 2004.<\/p>\n

    [6]<\/a> Jill Di Donato, author, Beautiful Garbage<\/em>, in \u201cThe Shame Spiral,\u201d Huffington Post<\/em>, 4\/21\/2014.<\/p>\n

    [7]<\/a> Dr. Bren\u00e9 Brown quoted by Jill Di Donato, author, Beautiful Garbage<\/em>, in \u201cThe Shame Spiral,\u201d Huffington Post<\/em>, 4\/21\/2014<\/p>\n

    [8]<\/a> Jill Di Donato, author, Beautiful Garbage<\/em>, in \u201cThe Shame Spiral,\u201d Huffington Post<\/em>, 4\/21\/2014<\/p>\n

    [9]<\/a> Karen Horney (pioneering psychologist who disputed Freud and explained the differences between men and women through culture and society instead of through inherent differences) via Dr. Bren\u00e9 Brown, Motherhood, Shame, and Society,<\/em> www.mothersmovement.org<\/a>, August, 2004.<\/p>\n\n\n