{"id":102,"date":"2012-02-12T10:29:49","date_gmt":"2012-02-12T18:29:49","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/theresarogersonline.com\/?page_id=102"},"modified":"2022-07-14T13:20:38","modified_gmt":"2022-07-14T20:20:38","slug":"shards-of-glass","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/theresarogers.art\/?page_id=102","title":{"rendered":"Shards Of Glass"},"content":{"rendered":"

I used this story to practice “show, don’t tell.” But that doesn’t mean I didn’t make it a kick-ass tale. I fundamentally believe we don’t see what’s in the way of our own authenticity until we are shoved up against the wall and there’s no other choice but to look. That’s what this story is really about. Thanks, J.K. Rowling, for creating your world, and here’s a thumbed nose at all those who look down on fanfic. Hey–you want to practice writing out loud and get instant feedback, put beloved characters in situations people won’t like. (novella)<\/span><\/p>\n

Shards of Glass<\/strong><\/p>\n

a fanfic novella<\/p>\n

Disclaimer:<\/em><\/p>\n

I do not own the rights to the characters of Lily and James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, Albus Dumbledore, Peter Pettigrew, Rubeus Hagrid, or Arthur Weasley. The rights to these characters and most of the spells they use in this story, as well as the world they inhabit, are owned, fully and exclusively, but J.K. Rowling. I am not writing this story for monetary gain and I understand that I may not publish it for such. All Other Characters and some spells are mine.<\/p>\n

This piece is written fully for my own practice at the craft of writing and the pure enjoyment of bringing a small part of J.K. Rowling\u2019s wonderful world to life.<\/p>\n

Author\u2019s Note: It has always struck me, in canon, how Sirius was laughing when the Ministry agents Apperated around him. What could possibly be funny in such a situation? I concluded he must know something we don\u2019t. In part, this story is an exploration of what Sirius knew, what he held in his heart at that moment.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/em>My goal, from the first chapter, was to bring this arc back to canon. As you will see, at times that seems like it must be impossible…<\/em><\/p>\n


\n<\/strong><\/p>\n

Sunshine Charms<\/h2>\n

After singing for almost an hour Lily backs out of their one and only bedroom. A tiny form snuggles between two pillows, his thumb in his mouth. She pulls the louvered doors to within an inch of closing and turns to face the living room.<\/p>\n

Her eyes fly over the graying walls; the broken brick around the fireplace; the cold, grey ashes in the hearth, all that remains of the fire she and James built together last night. She moves to the small window and stands for a moment, her eyes closed, her arms straight out from her sides. The sunlight dances on her red hair and fills the air around her with white-hot sparks. Its warmth weaves through her and her fingers begin to thaw.<\/p>\n

She opens her eyes and moves to the desk pressed against the wall next to the fireplace. Battered and scarred, it has been through a lot \u2013 first at James\u2019s house and now at their own. She picks up the letter James left that morning before she woke up, opens it, and holds it the way she did her child earlier. Her heart seems determined to press through her ribs.<\/p>\n

Back soon, love.<\/em> Don\u2019t know when, but it shouldn\u2019t be too long. Love you. Kiss that boy.<\/em><\/p>\n

She lays it back down, refolding it and placing the small silver paperweight on it. She presses it down harder and harder, her fingers turning white around it.<\/p>\n

She turns and takes two steps to the faded plaid couch and allows her body to fall back on it. It shoots back several inches on the worn place on the rug and hits the small table behind it. The sound of glass shattering fills the small room.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh for fuck\u2019s <\/em>sake.\u201d Lily presses her hands to her face and her breath whistles in and out behind her palms. She pushes herself up and trudges around the sofa. The vase from James is now spread across the floor like a small, sharp fan. The flower he picked last night lies crushed beneath one of the shards.<\/p>\n

Lily\u2019s bottom lip quivers. She takes a deep breath and moves to the tiny kitchen, which is really just an extension of the living room. Her wand lies on the counter next to the knife she used earlier to cut off the end of the flower. She laughs at that \u2013 using a knife \u2013 but the sound thrown back at her from the tile around the sink sounds tinny and sharp.<\/p>\n

Someone pounds on the front door. She jumps and knocks the knife off the counter. Its path is sinuous as it heads handle over point to the floor. Her hand closes over her wand and her eyes flash to the bedroom.<\/p>\n

Again someone\u2019s fist pounds wood.<\/p>\n

She walks through ice water to it, presses herself to the wall just to one side. She raises her wand and the tip moves in a slow square over the wood. A small window appears. She sees Sirius\u2019s leather jacket and chest.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat have we been talking about?\u201d She does not like the quaver in her voice, but there it is.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow much you love me?\u201d<\/p>\n

Her brows lower and she frowns, throwing open the door. \u201cSirius. Honestly.\u201d<\/em> Her voice is several notes higher than usual.<\/p>\n

His long, black hair hangs in daggers around his face, dripping onto his jacket. He moves like a jungle cat through the doorway and closes it behind him.<\/p>\n

\u201cIs everything\u2026?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cEverything is fine, Lily.\u201d<\/p>\n

She presses her fingertips to her lips and feels the hot spikes in her chest cool somewhat. \u201cYou\u2019re soaking wet.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo it would seem. Get James to lift that Sunshine charm from your windows and you\u2019d know why.\u201d<\/p>\n

Her eyes flit to the golden sunlight pouring in through the small windows. \u201cGive me that.\u201d She snaps her fingers and points and he removes his jacket. She takes it and drops it on the tile surrounding the front door.<\/p>\n

\u201cI <\/em>could have done that.\u201d <\/em>His eyes move to the bedroom door. \u201cHarry asleep?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, finally.\u201d  <\/em>She moves her foot over a broken tile. \u201cHe doesn\u2019t like this apartment.\u201d<\/p>\n

When she looks back at him, Sirius is studying her. \u201cIt won\u2019t be long, Lils.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t call me that.\u201d She lifts her wand. Sirius\u2019s clothes and hair dry instantly.<\/p>\n

He reaches into his back pocket and removes his own wand. \u201cReparo.\u201d <\/em>The small vase jumps together. He bends to pick it up and puts it back on the little table.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh!\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius whirls around and crouches, his wand flashing from one window to the next.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, you\u2026I\u2019m sorry\u2026you stepped on the flower.\u201d She points.<\/p>\n

\u201cLily, it\u2019s a flower<\/em>.\u201d He laughs. She does not. His eyes travel her face.<\/p>\n

She shuffles back to the couch and catches herself just in time, sitting on the edge of a cushion before leaning back.<\/p>\n

\u201cIs James with Moony?\u201d He stands in front of her.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, he got called out early this morning.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius rubs his eyes. \u201cI can\u2019t stay long. I wanted to see if you were all right.\u201d He stands still for a moment, then cups her chin, runs his thumb down her cheek.<\/p>\n

His outline blurs and she blinks. She notices the tendrils of hair that frame his face. There are deep smudges beneath his eyes. \u201cHave you slept at all recently?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSure I have. Twenty minutes only three hours ago. Woke up with my cheek in my eggs. Haven\u2019t slept so well in ages.\u201d He smiles.<\/p>\n

She smiles back. \u201cHere.\u201d She gets up and points to the couch. As he walks by her she catches his scent. Her eyes narrow and her wand snaps to the bedroom doors. \u201cMuffliato!\u201d <\/em><\/p>\n

Sirius turns. \u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n

She puts her hands on his chest and shoves him onto the couch. It jerks backwards a few more inches and the vase slides off the edge of the little table, shattering once again.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhatthe hell<\/em> do you\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWho <\/em>did you say made eggs for you?\u201d Lily\u2019s eyes spit sparks.<\/p>\n

\u201cI didn\u2019t. I <\/em>made the eggs.\u201d But the corner of his mouth turns up.<\/p>\n

\u201cGod damn you, Sirius Black! God damn <\/em>you!\u201d She moves in front of him. \u201cI am in this shithole all day, every day, don\u2019t know a goddam thing that is going on, every sound echoes through my heart, you and James and Lupin and Peter creep in and out all day, sometimes no one comes back here for days\u2026<\/em>you are supposed to be helping <\/em>us and instead you\u2019re off shagging some whore!\u201d <\/em>She picks a book up off the floor and throws it at his head.<\/p>\n

He catches it and slams it to the ground. \u201cGod damn you, <\/em>Lily Potter! Do you believe for one second <\/em>that your safety has left my mind? For even one second?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cIt is clear <\/em>to me that you haven\u2019t changed one bit since school, Sirius! Will you ever grow up? <\/em>Who is it this <\/em>time that is more important than your friends?\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius stands up so fast the couch slams into the small table, sending it tumbling over. \u201cStop it, Lily. Stop it.<\/em> I can\u2019t handle\u2026\u201d He slams his eyes shut and when they open again they are darker. \u201cI don\u2019t need you to be a bitch<\/em> right now. Is this why James stays away?\u201d<\/p>\n

She turns white. Her hand snakes up. \u201cMur \u2013 \u201d     <\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cExpelliarmus!\u201d <\/em><\/p>\n

Lily\u2019s wand flies back over her head, hitting the window and falling to the floor.<\/p>\n

Sirius advances on her, wand still raised. \u201cDid you forget who I am? What I do for a living?\u201d<\/p>\n

She flies at him. Her fingers close around his throat and she pushes him off balance. He catches himself, drops his wand, and takes both her wrists in his hands. She twists herself free and loses her balance, falling backwards and slamming into the wall. He grabs her shoulders and pushes her to the floor. When they land he is across her belly.<\/p>\n

She grabs his hair and pulls his head back.<\/p>\n

His fingers find her wrists again and white hot pain pulses up her hands. She cries out and lets go. He pivots over her and his chest crushes her breasts, pinning her arms above her.<\/p>\n

\u201cI want,\u201d she pants beneath him, \u201cyou,\u201d his eyes bore holes into her own, \u201cto leave. Now.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

He crushes his mouth against hers and she opens her own to receive him. She brings her knees up on either side of his hips and pushes herself up into him.<\/p>\n

He releases her mouth. \u201cWhat <\/em>is it you want, Lily?\u201d<\/p>\n

She bites his lip and tastes blood.<\/p>\n

He reaches down and unbuttons her pants, pushes them down to her knees. She frees one leg and wraps it around him.  He rips open her shirt and releases her hands. She leaves them where they are. He pushes her bra up and his dark head covers her. His tongue burns fire through her blood.<\/p>\n

He tears his shirt off over his head and unzips his fly.<\/p>\n

She gasps as he enters her.<\/p>\n

He stops, burying his face in her hair. “Lily,” he sobs, his voice broken. “Oh Lily\u2026Merlin, I am so sorry\u2026” He begins pulling away.<\/p>\n

She presses herself against hard muscle and tight sinew, her hands running down the strained muscles in his back.<\/p>\n

His black hair cascades around her, tendrils brushing her face as his mouth finds hers once again. \u201cGive me your voice, Lily,\u201d he whispers in her ear, \u201cLet me hear you\u2026your voice\u2026please\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cS-Sirius,\u201d she gasps as he presses against her, \u201cSirius!\u201d S<\/em>he arches and cries out, her eyes on his face.<\/p>\n

\u201cSirius.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius\u2019s eyes widen and he rears back, sucks air in through his nose. Lily\u2019s head jerks to the left.<\/p>\n

James\u2019s face is frozen, his eyes wide, the knuckles of the hand holding his wand white.<\/p>\n

Panting, Sirius pulls himself away from her and hunches inward.<\/p>\n

James closes his eyes. \u201cCover yourself, Lily.\u201d<\/p>\n

She pushes herself up and curves in on herself, pulling up her jeans, tugging her bra down, bringing her shirt together the best she can. Her buttons are gone.<\/p>\n

Sirius buttons his jeans and stands, retrieving his own wand, his breathing rough. \u201cJames…\u201d<\/p>\n

James grinds his teeth and then opens his eyes. \u201cThere is no further need for speech between us. I will tell Albus that it is necessary for us to have a different Secret Keeper.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJames, I\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

The tip of James\u2019s wand makes a jagged motion and blood wells on Sirius\u2019s chest.<\/p>\n

\u201cJesus Christ! <\/em>You\u2026\u201dHis eyes fly from his chest to James\u2019s face.<\/p>\n

\u201cGo, now, <\/em>or I swear\u2014\u201d James\u2019s breath whistles through his teeth. He makes a sound like a sob.<\/p>\n

Sirius snatches his shirt from the floor and side-steps to the door. His boots crunch on the shards of the vase. He picks up his jacket and Lily can see his hand shaking. She hears the door open.<\/p>\n

And close.<\/p>\n

She buries her face in her hands and sobs.<\/p>\n


\n<\/strong><\/p>\n

The Letter<\/h2>\n

Her body moves through the apartment. Surfaces shine, windows glisten, no dust rises from beneath her feet, countertops weep with drying cleanser. She squeezes the sponge out into the sink and holds her hands before her, the flesh wrinkled and pink, blisters raw. She grabs the broom and puts it in the space between the refrigerator and the wall.<\/p>\n

The baby crawls behind her, giggling as he catches up, pulling on her wildly colored socks. She looks down and watches as the garish flowers open and close, open and close. \u201cI\u2019m glad you <\/em>like them. What Peter was thinking, I\u2019m sure I\u2019ll never know.\u201d Harry grabs the cloth and twists, giggling anew.<\/p>\n

She presses her hands against the counter and winces. Her eyes stray to the door to the bedroom. Harry crawls toward the refrigerator, toward the few bristles of the broom still sticking out from its storage place. His fingers close on them and he pulls. The sound of the handle smacking the tile jerks Lily\u2019s eyes away from the louvered doors. \u201cOh, baby. Did that scare you?\u201d<\/p>\n

But Harry just crawls toward the handle, moving his little body over, sitting down. He grabs the wood and looks up at her, smiling. \u201cUp! Up!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, you\u2019ve seen your dad\u2026\u201d She stops. \u201cYes.\u201d She looks back at the bedroom.<\/p>\n

Harry continues to \u201cfly\u201d as she moves around the counter, steps into the silent room\u2026<\/p>\n

James\u2019s dresser is ripped apart. A shirt and two pairs of socks hang from open drawers and the bottom drawer lies on the floor, its contents spilled across the rug. She crosses the small space and leans over, her hand hovering above the drawer. She sinks to her knees, gathering his scattered clothing, pressing it to her face. \u201cIt\u2019s not\u2026\u201d she sobs \u201coh, James, please, I can\u2019t\u2014I know what you\u2019re thinking, my love, it\u2019s not\u2014we haven\u2019t\u2014oh, Merlin!\u201dShe buries her face in his shirts and breathes his scent, gasping. Her hands shaking, she finally manages to set his clothing to rights, replacing the bottom drawer and closing the others.<\/p>\n

She moves to her dresser, where the middle drawer stands open. Wiping tears on the hem of her shirt, she presses her lips together and shakes her head, yanking the wood away from the back of the drawer. A letter falls forward onto her sweaters. On the front is her name written in Sirius\u2019s scrawl. She picks up the battered envelope and draws out the worn parchment within. First her fingers, then her whole hand, heat up; as she unfolds the parchment the tingling begins.    <\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/em>Oh, Lily, it is finally the new moon! Everything is in place \u2013 I have the ropes and the candles, all the things you said we would need. I\u2019m going to bathe first, starting with my hair, then working my way down to each individual toe the way we talked about. I am going to think of you, of your hands on me, as if it was you bathing me. I will keep you constantly in my thoughts. You must do the same.    <\/em><\/p>\n

Lils, I will make it hurt as little as possible \u2013 that\u2019s <\/em>my job, and I know what I\u2019m doing. I am eternally grateful to you for allowing me to be the first to take you in this way. I don\u2019t deserve it. Merlin help us that James never finds out. I couldn\u2019t live with myself, but there\u2019s no stopping now.     <\/em><\/p>\n

Until tonight \u2013 <\/em><\/p>\n

Sirius  <\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cSirius, please\u2026please\u2026\u201d <\/em>She stumbles to the bin in the corner. The parchment hovers at the rim. Long minutes spin past her. Her fingers are frozen around the envelope. She shakes her hand, harder and harder, her fingers burning hotter and hotter. \u201cGo, go, I want you to go! Go!\u201d <\/em>The veins in her neck stand out like cords but the letter is no nearer reaching the bottom of the bin than it was behind the false back of her drawer. She smashes her hand against the side of the bin. She feels the heat behind her eyes and refolds the parchment, replacing it in its worn envelope before stuffing it away once again in its hiding place.<\/p>\n

She stumbles to the living room and collapses beneath the window. The dull grey clouds press all the air from her and she rests her forehead against the wall, tears spilling down her cheeks. Harry screeches from the kitchen. She rubs her palms over her face. \u201cComing, love!\u201d<\/p>\n

Her hands cut the banana without her knowledge. Harry grabs the pieces, squishing each one, mashing them into his mouth.<\/p>\n

She sleep-walks to the desk, removing parchment and ink, pulling a quill from a small box on the corner.<\/p>\n

Sirius \u2013      <\/em><\/p>\n

You have to tell him. You have to! Please, dear Merlin, tell him, tell him, tell him! I know I cannot be released, but I beg of you, tell him of the first time! You must speak for me, I am on my knees, begging you, you must be the words that are in my heart, please, please, Sirius, oh Merlin we have made such a mistake <\/em><\/p>\n

She crumples the parchment up and runs to the front door. She pounds on it, red smears from torn blisters streaking the paint as she slides to the floor. \u201cGoddam it! An owl!\u201d      <\/em><\/p>\n

Harry cries out from the kitchen.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, love, no, no, it\u2019s all right, I\u2019m all right.\u201d She presses her bleeding hands to her shirt and moves back to the kitchen. Harry\u2019s eyes are huge. She bends, smiling, and picks him up. \u201cSorry, dear. Dear one. I didn\u2019t mean to scare you. It\u2019s nothing to do with you. Just mommy being silly, forgetting she\u2019s a witch and all.\u201d<\/p>\n

Holding Harry with one arm, she picks up her wand with the other. She points it at the door. \u201cMeet with James. Tell him of the first time. I beg you.\u201d A silver doe explodes from the end and gallops through the wood.<\/p>\n

\u201cPretty! Mommy!\u201d <\/em>Harry claps his hands.<\/p>\n

She puts him down and he scoots back over to the broom. She picks up the paper towels and the cleanser and, stifling her sobs, turns back to the sparkling windows.<\/p>\n


\n<\/strong><\/p>\n

Light into Darkness, Darkness into Light<\/h2>\n

James slams the shot glass down on the bar and signals the bartender. \u201c\u2019Nother.\u201d The smoke-filled air has made his voice rough.<\/p>\n

The bartender slides over to him and puts his beefy hands down on either side of the glass. \u201cLet yeh drink yer fill. Time for yeh t\u2019 move on, mate.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMy gall\u2019ns no good \u2018th you now?\u201d James\u2019s hand stops in midflight and drops back to the bartop.<\/p>\n

\u201cGo look at yerself.\u201d He turns to the back bar, slamming bottles around.<\/p>\n

\u201cKnow<\/em> what I look<\/em> like, fer chrissakes.\u201d<\/p>\n

Someone sits down next to him and folds his arms on the bar.<\/p>\n

\u201cAh, fuck.\u201d James lowers his forehead down inch by inch until it meets the resistance of his own crossed arms.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou had to know I\u2019d find you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLupin, go shit yerself.\u201d His voice is buried between arm and wood.<\/p>\n

Lupin sniffs. \u201cThink you\u2019ve already done that, mate. When\u2019s the last time water crossed your skin?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAh, fuck.\u201d The stool next to him creaks and he feels a hand on his shoulder. He shrugs it off but it returns.<\/p>\n

\u201cLily\u2019s made herself sick with worry. Been crying all week.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBully for her.\u201d<\/p>\n

The hand on his shoulder tightens. \u201cSomeone has to be there. Baby and all.\u201d<\/p>\n

James\u2019s shoulders move. \u201cBaby.\u201d The muscles tighten and bunch under Remus\u2019s hand. \u201cFuck me. Fuck me<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus moves behind him and lifts. James slumps toward his stool but Remus\u2019s hands are firm and James stands. He places his hands on the edge of the bar and takes a deep breath, shakes his head. \u201cAll fucked, it is. All bollixed. All bollixed.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah. I know.\u201d<\/p>\n

James turns half-slitted eyes to his friend. \u201cY\u2019agree?\u201d<\/p>\n

Lupin\u2019s eyes travel the length of James. \u201cCompletely.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAw, Lupin, s\u2019not me<\/em>.\u201d  James stumbles and crashes into Lupin.<\/p>\n

He staggers but manages to hold himself and his friend upright. \u201cFrom where I\u2019m standing, it most definitely is<\/em> you.\u201d He pulls a few coins from his pocket and shuffles through them with one hand, dropping a few on the bar. \u201cThat cover it?\u201d<\/p>\n

The bartender moves over, wiping a glass and setting it down before picking up the coins. \u201c\u2019At\u2019ll do. Get \u2018im outta here.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cTrying.\u201d Lupin holds James up with one arm and picks up his jacket with the other. \u201cWhere is your duffle?\u201d<\/p>\n

James looks one way and then another. Remus holds him steady. \u201c\u2019S not here.\u201d He looks another way. \u201cPut it\u2026here<\/em>.\u201d He points at two different places on the floor.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes. Well. I suppose we can count it good and lost.\u201d He maneuvers James through the dim bar, avoiding as many piles of peanut shells and pools of sputum and who knows whatall as he can. He is breathing through his mouth.<\/p>\n

Once in the street he sticks out his wand hand. Instantly a triple-decker, violently purple bus explodes into space at the end of the street, careening down sidewalk and road until it stops in front of them.  A young wizard pulls open the door and looks at the two men before him. \u201cNeed a lift?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes.\u201d Lupin pushes James up the stairs.<\/p>\n

The young man flares his nostrils and backs away. \u201cG\u2019on up to the third.\u201d He jerks his thumb up as Lupin drops more coins into the box next to the driver.<\/p>\n

\u201cInsult,\u201d James mutters, staggering forward.<\/p>\n

\u201cInsight,\u201d Lupin grins at the young man, who moves further away.<\/p>\n

Lupin half-pulls, half-pushes James up to the highest level and helps him collapse into one of the many armchairs lined up along the side of the bus. As he opens a window the bus rockets down the street and with the sound of a cannon they find themselves on the main street of a small village.<\/p>\n

James is violently sick on the floor.<\/p>\n

\u201cAh, fuck.\u201d Lupin sighs.<\/p>\n

*~*<\/p>\n

James begins to roll over but stops, his eyes squeezed shut and his breath whistling through clenched teeth. He raises his hand and encounters his scalp, then moves his fingers through his hair, touching each spot as if it were made of glass.<\/p>\n

The door opens and footsteps cross the floor. A weight shifts the bed and James groans. \u201cDon\u2019t. Move. The bed.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDrink this.\u201d<\/p>\n

The smell of what he sicked up the night before fills his nostrils and he gags.<\/p>\n

\u201cNot in my bed<\/em>, you git!\u201d Hands grab James\u2019s head and pull.<\/p>\n

James shrieks as his shoulders slide free of the comforting embrace of the covers. \u201cYou\u2019re killing me,\u201d he manages before vomiting on the floor.<\/p>\n

\u201cDammit, James, drink this!\u201d<\/p>\n

James opens his eyes and takes in the yellowish-grey, smoking potion proffered in a glass. It takes him three tries to grab it. Remus helps him sit up and, taking a deep breath and holding it, he gulps it down. As he falls back against the pillow, warmth spreads through his stomach, his chest, his head, pushing the black fog that presses against his eyeballs out of his body. He breathes deeply as Lupin points his wand at the floor.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy the hell didn\u2019t you give that to me last night?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI wanted you to feel what it was like to be a total and complete arse.\u201d Lupin crosses his arms and glares down at his friend.<\/p>\n

James wipes sweat off his forehead with his arm. \u201cSo why\u2019d you give it to me now<\/em>?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo you\u2019d get the full impact<\/em> of me calling you an arse.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m not an arse.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou are an arse who hasn\u2019t been home in a week at a time when you are being hunted down by a wizard who would kill you only as a mercy. You are an arse who\u2019s wife is frantic with worry\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy? Should think someone else was there to hold her hand.\u201d He rolls toward the wall.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou are an arse<\/em> who has a child and no longer has the luxury of behaving as if his pain is the central issue in the universe. You are an arse who\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShut it, Lupin.\u201d James\u2019s hands shake as he pushes back the covers and throws his legs over the edge of the bed. \u201cWhere are my clothes?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cCovered in sick. Shall I bring them to you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cCan I have some of your<\/em> clothes?\u201d His voice is exaggerated and slow.<\/p>\n

\u201cSo you can Disapperate out of here before I have my say? No. You remain starkers.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou haven\u2019t<\/em> had your say?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNot remotely.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhere is my wand?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSomewhere safe.\u201d<\/p>\n

James stands, starkers or not. \u201cGet out of my way.\u201d<\/p>\n

Neither man moves.<\/p>\n

\u201cSirius\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

James\u2019s face goes white. \u201cDon\u2019t say that name.\u201d He shoves Lupin hard and moves toward the doorway.<\/p>\n

\u201cMerlin\u2019s crack, James, do you think you\u2019re the only one in pain here? The only one who feels<\/em> anything?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t give a fuck<\/em> what they feel. In fact, now that you mention it,\u201d he turns toward Lupin, who has followed him out into the hall, \u201cfrom what I could tell, they were feeling pretty damn good the last time I saw them.\u201d His eyes are flat and cold. He turns and enters the bathroom, slams the door, and locks it.<\/p>\n

\u201cWow, that\u2019s effective. I can\u2019t do Alohomora<\/em>, after all.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGo fuck yourself.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, mate, that\u2019s your<\/em> job, and I\u2019d say you\u2019re doing a pretty good job of<\/em> it.\u201d<\/p>\n

There is a muffled sound and another curse. \u201cI\u2019m not the one shagging, Remus, or did you not notice? Did you not get the full fucking picture of just what went on in my flat? With my wife? And the bastard that dares call himself my friend<\/em>?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI did.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThen somehow I<\/em> am the one that made a mistake? I missed some subtle rule of etiquette that guides one when one finds one\u2019s goddam best friend<\/em>\u201d there is the sound of breaking glass \u201cin flagrante delicto<\/em> with one\u2019s wife<\/em>?\u201d more breaking glass and something metallic on tile \u201cHow, exactly, Mooney, am I<\/em> the one that\u2019s fucking something up here<\/em>?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAre you going to break everything I own?\u201d<\/p>\n

A larger shattering. \u201cAre you making jokes<\/em>? Are you talking about your beastly potions<\/em> to me through this door? Because I cannot believe that you care more about this<\/em>\u201d something heavy collides with the door and drops to the floor \u201cthan me<\/em>!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re a prick, James. That\u2019s what I\u2019m saying. You are in my flat, breaking my things and feeling sorry<\/em> for yourself and hacked off mightily at me for not sharing in your pity party. You think all this is about you<\/em>. You aren\u2019t thinking about anyone but yourself<\/em>. Have you looked around lately? At what the fuck is going on in the world? Who do you know who isn\u2019t on edge? Who do you know who is handling everything with exceeding grace? Who do you know who doesn\u2019t look up at the sky, even if they can\u2019t bear to, when they get home? Who<\/em>?\u201d<\/p>\n

The door flies open. \u201cYou think I\u2019m feeling sorry<\/em> for myself here? What. The fuck. Do you know about it? About any<\/em> of this? Nothing. Nothing<\/em>. You, who won\u2019t date anyone, who is so afraid of his\u2026his\u2026affliction<\/em>\u201d he spits the word at the man in front of him \u201che won\u2019t even try<\/em>? What do you<\/em> have to say to me about any of this<\/em>?\u201d<\/p>\n

Lupin narrows his eyes and James takes a step back. \u201cWhat did you just say to me?\u201d His voice is low but every word is a dagger finding its way home.<\/p>\n

James steps toward him again. \u201cI said, you prick, that you spend all your time in this goddam flat, living through the rest of us; if anyone<\/em> is sorry for himself it\u2019s you, sad and alone \u2013 you don\u2019t know the first goddam thing about what I\u2019m feeling<\/em>!\u201d He has continued walking toward Lupin and now stands only inches from him, his face red, the veins in his neck strained to the bursting point.<\/p>\n

Lupin pulls back his lips and snarls. \u201cDid you hear her make that sound you say she makes?\u201d<\/p>\n

Lupin\u2019s head slams backwards and James rams his other fist into his ribs. Lupin bares his teeth and smashes his fist into James\u2019s jaw. Teeth crash together and blood runs down James\u2019s chin from his lip. Lupin\u2019s eyes are molten gold and he raises his fists again. James comes at him, face wild, and Lupin draws in a sharp breath through his teeth. \u201cNo, no<\/em>,\u201d he whispers and he turns his head away from James. James\u2019s next blow hits his shoulder.<\/p>\n

James batters him back into the wall but Lupin only turns himself, offering arms and shoulders and back, but nothing more. James\u2019s fists go wild, pounding flesh and plaster, indifferent to both. When Lupin hears the unmistakable sound of a sob, he intercepts James\u2019s fist and twists him around, pushing him into the wall.<\/p>\n

He holds him there, twisting his arm tight to keep him still. James is breathing hard and his muscles clench and then he shatters. Great sobs tear through him, scorching up his throat and into the tiny space of the hallway. Words flood out, a raging river of them pour from his soul, and Lupin holds him still, twisted face-first into the wall. At first the words are incoherent, but slowly Remus can understand a few, then a few more.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019re being hunted, Lupin, hunted down<\/em>, like animals\u2014did you,\u201d James chokes and Lupin eases his hold, \u201cdid you know that? And that\u2014th-that bitch\u2014<\/em>I\u2019m risking my life to keep her\u2014keep her safe she,\u201d he is sliding down the wall now and Remus lets him descend, \u201cshe\u2014she\u2014with\u2014goddam<\/em>, Remus\u2014Harry in the sodding bedroom<\/em>!\u201d He makes a noise like a dying animal and reaches the floor. Remus releases him. James curls into a ball, sobbing. Remus sits next to him and rests his arm on James\u2019s shoulder.<\/p>\n

The shadows on the wall do their slow crawl across the flat, leaving dark for light, and still James sobs, and still Remus sits, his arm James\u2019s only connection to the fact that he has not, yet, died from the red-hot knives that have replaced his heart.<\/p>\n

*~*<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry I hit you.\u201d It is full dark and only the quarter moon shows the dim outline of Remus, still seated beside him.<\/p>\n

\u201cI know. I\u2019ve done worse to myself.\u201d The ghost of a laugh.<\/p>\n

James bangs his head against the wall and hisses. \u201cI don\u2019t \u2013 I don\u2019t know what to do.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat is abundantly clear.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat would you<\/em> do? Stay dead pissed for a week? Attack your friend? Cry like a little girl?\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus laces his fingers together and hangs his elbows on his knees. \u201cDoes it hurt?\u201d<\/p>\n

James looks at his swollen knuckles. \u201cYes. I think I broke my\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJames. Does it hurt.\u201d<\/p>\n

James sucks air through his teeth.  \u201cSweet Merlin, Remus\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThen yes, I\u2019d cry. You could go insane, but how\u2019d that work for you this week?\u201d<\/p>\n

James\u2019s shoulders slump and his head falls forward until it rests on his knees. \u201cWhat do I do now?\u201d His voice is lost in the space between chest and legs, heart and feet.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do you want to do?\u201d<\/p>\n

James grinds his teeth and Remus lets him be.<\/p>\n

*~*<\/p>\n

Remus puts the sandwich on the floor where James still sits huddled against the wall. The stars have spun silently in the heavens and Orion has sunk beneath the horizon. He walks back to the kitchen and runs the water in the sink.<\/p>\n

*~*<\/p>\n

Black gives way to grey. James can make out the individual hairs on his thighs and the pattern of his interlaced fingers. He feels the nap of the rug where it has pressed against the flesh of buttocks and feet. He smells the sandwich, still sitting beside him on its flowered plate. He traces one flower with his eyes, each and every line and curve, and the yard sale where this set was purchased flashes sun-bright in his mind. The old lady, taking pity on Remus\u2019s ragged clothing, covering the sticker with her hand as she quoted a price several sickles below what had been on it\u2026<\/p>\n

The corner of his mouth moves north before dropping back but the aborted smile does not reach his eyes.<\/p>\n

*~*<\/p>\n

Remus picks up the empty plate and leaves a pile of clothing next to the sleeping figure on the floor. His eyes travel the black bruise covering the curve of James\u2019s jaw, the blood dried to chin and neck. He holds his wand out, but he does not speak. Again he traces the lines of hurt he has caused. And again. Tears glistening, he flicks his wand, and James\u2019s skin is cleared of blood. Remus\u2019s wand hovers, then sinks; the bruise remains.<\/p>\n

He walks back to the tiny table in the kitchen and drops into the rickety chair. He picks up the quill, dips it into the ink, and writes a few more lines before signing his name and blotting it with his fist. He folds the letter and sets his seal in the hot wax dripped from a nearly burned-out candle. His old owl, left to him by his father, jumps from her perch and glides to him, gripping the back of his chair with her talons.<\/p>\n

\u201cMy one luxury, you.\u201d He runs his finger down her head and she hoots softly. \u201cYou can find Albus?\u201d She holds out her leg and he ties the letter to it. He stands and opens the soot-streaked window and the owl flies out and away over the rooftops. He watches her, smaller and smaller, a dark spot swallowed by light.<\/p>\n

*~*<\/p>\n

James reaches for the covers. His hand gropes left and right, lower and lower, until it encounters the rug. He wakes with a start. The sun shines through the cracked windows and a small square of light spills over him, warming his left foot. He rises and rubs his eyes with one hand. They are gritty. He pulls on the clothes next to him and makes his way to the kitchen, where he drinks three glasses of water before Remus enters.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re awake.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re alive.\u201d<\/p>\n

James lowers the glass into the sink.<\/p>\n

*~*<\/p>\n

They sit together in the living room, Lupin on the couch, James on the small armchair at right angles to it. His crossed legs are jammed against the arms of the chair and the knuckles of his hands are white where he grips the faded fabric. \u201cI can\u2019t go back.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAh.\u201d Lupin forms a steeple with his fingers and leans forward, his elbows on his knees.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat would I possibly say to her?\u201d<\/p>\n

Lupin leaves the room and returns, tossing him a quill, a bottle of ink, and a stack of rolled-up parchment. He moves to the kitchen and stands at the sink until he hears scratching from the living room. Only then does he turn to the refrigerator and pull out ingredients for dinner.<\/p>\n

*~*<\/p>\n

Remus says I\u2019m making this mean more than it does. He says I should consider the circumstances, the stress you\u2019ve been under, we\u2019ve all been under. He says everyone is going insane, all you have to do is look at the cover of the Daily Prophet to know that no one is acting normal. Death, torture, disappearances, fear, mistrust, this is our world and the best we can do is try to let ourselves slip as little as possible. As little as possible. Some slippage, then, he seems to count as OK. Yours, apparently. Sirius\u2019s as well. Mine, no. No, my slippage is worse for him because of my disappearance. I know where you are. (Do I?) You do not.      <\/em><\/p>\n

I see you there, on the floor, I see him, I see his hands on either side of you and then you turn your face to me oh fuck fuck fuck I can\u2019t close my eyes but to see you there  \u2013 do you want this? For me to feel this? Is this something you want, to rip, to tear, to shred, until I am nothing but a shattered corpse? Is this because I leave you alone in that apartment? But what was I supposed to do, Lil? What the fuck else was I supposed to do? Do you think it was easy for me, leaving every day, leaving you, leaving Harry, for fuck\u2019s sake Lily, did you think I was out partying it up while you sat there, fear eating your insides? Your eyes, Lily, your eyes haunt me, when I walk in they are twin caves, the dark circles telling me you haven\u2019t slept but what the fuck else am I supposed to do? Tell me, woman, what it is you would have me do differently!     <\/em><\/p>\n

But this, Lily, this \u2013 I would never \u2013 how could you do it? Was this knife all you could find? Drive it as deeply into me as you could for leaving you alone? Goddam you, you bitch, I gave you everything, every last piece of me all the lights and darks the most hidden-away corners you do this? I didn\u2019t think I would survive it the first time at school but I did I forgave you I forgave you my fault I forgave you you stupid stupid bitch          <\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/em>He drops the quill, gasping. His hands scrabble at his throat. \u201cRemus!\u201d He falls to his knees, choking. \u201cRemus<\/em>!\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus runs in, pulls James back to the chair. \u201cBreathe, James.\u201d He pushes James\u2019s head between his knees. \u201cBreathe, breathe\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

James chokes and gasps. \u201cCan\u2019t<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus pounds him on the back and James gags, then presses his hands to his mouth. Remus can feel his muscles, tight as cords, beneath the thin shirt. James\u2019s shoulders begin to shake again but no sound comes from him.<\/p>\n

\u201cJames, it\u2019s just me here.\u201d He pries James\u2019s hands away and pulls him back onto his knees.<\/p>\n

James slumps forward and bashes his forehead against the coffee table. Remus wrestles him into a sitting position as James gnashes his teeth, groaning. \u201cGoddam it, Remus, goddam her! Goddam her straight to the dementors! I hate her! I hate her! I hate her!<\/em>\u201d The litany goes on and on as James rocks back and forth. He is yelling, screaming, spittle flying from his mouth; he pounds the table, the floor around him.<\/p>\n

At long last, the rocking slows, stops. James topples to his side, supine on the worn rug. \u201cSh-she did it once\u2026before, y-you know.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDid what?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShagged him.\u201d James sits up, his face a vivid scarlet. \u201cAt school. Shagged him for I don\u2019t know how long. Maybe they\u2019ve been at it this whole time.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShe did.\u201d James breathes. \u201cDo you remember? That month he split from us? They were so secretive that month \u2013 I was such a bloody fool. And here I am again, the bloody fool.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat month are you talking about?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you remember that month in sixth year, when he \u2013 I don\u2019t know \u2013 got sick of us for a little while? It was right after Christmas hols.\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus leans forward. \u201cYeah, I remember that. But what makes you think they were shagging<\/em>?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cFound a note.\u201d He tries to laugh, but the sound is twisted and broken. \u201cTo her. From him. Found it shortly after we started dating. She still has the bloody thing. It\u2019s a \u2013 a \u2013 well, you wouldn\u2019t really call it a love<\/em> letter.\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus tightens his hands into fists. \u201cYou never told me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI didn\u2019t tell anyone. Only she knew I knew. I never told the bastard I knew.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd what did she say about it?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNothing, Remus. Bloody nothing<\/em>. Wouldn\u2019t tell me how many times, or when, or what it meant \u2013 nothing<\/em>. Wouldn\u2019t even open her mouth<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSirius<\/em> never told you? And neither did she? Why did you stay together?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSirius has never said a word<\/em>. I stayed with her because of the things she did<\/em> say. That it would never, ever happen again. Begged me to forgive her. Told me she loved<\/em> me.\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus is rigid next to James. \u201cJesus Christ.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNow you know.\u201d<\/p>\n

Silence suffocates them.<\/p>\n

\u201cJesus Christ.\u201d<\/p>\n

*~*<\/p>\n

They eat dinner in silence. The food is ashes in their mouths. When they are done they take their plates to the sink. Remus raises his wand, then puts it on the counter. He turns on the water and plugs the sink. James takes a towel in his hands. They stand side by side, shoulders barely touching. Remus washes. James dries. Remus drains the sink. The towel hangs limp in James\u2019s hands. His eyes burn holes in the drainboard. The bones in Remus\u2019s hands gleam white where he grips the edge of the counter.<\/p>\n

*~*<\/p>\n

James wakes in the night with her name on his lips. He reaches, hands outstretched, before time catches up. His fingers curl inward on themselves. Open or closed, he cannot see her, and his body writhes in the darkness.<\/p>\n

*~*<\/p>\n

Remus pounds on the door and keeps pounding even when he hears the metallic clicking indicating its imminent opening, keeps his hand closed in a fist and smashes it into Sirius\u2019s face.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat the fuck, Lupin!\u201d Sirius staggers back, his hands over his face.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou prick! You self-centered, egotistical bastard<\/em>!\u201d  Remus slams the door behind him.<\/p>\n

Sirius backs away from him, one hand held outstretched, the other covering his nose, blood seeping from between his fingers. He stumbles over a chair.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe knows!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know he knows! I was there, remember?\u201d Sirius\u2019s grey eyes flash.<\/p>\n

Remus makes a slashing motion with his hand. \u201cNot that, you arrogant fuck, before. At school<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius\u2019s face turns ashen. \u201cHe \u2013 he knows what<\/em>? She didn\u2019t tell\u2026couldn\u2019t have\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus moves like lightening and there is a sickening crunch as his fist once more finds Sirius\u2019s face. His lips pull back, revealing sharp teeth. \u201cWhat. The fuck. Is wrong<\/em> with you?\u201d The battery continues but Sirius\u2019s hands do not form into fists. \u201cFight back, goddam you, fight me<\/em>!\u201d Remus growls and advances again, pushing Sirius until his back is to the wall. \u201cRaise your fists, you sorry sack, fight me<\/em> or so help me Merlin I may kill you\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius raises his face, bruises swelling on cheeks, lip split, blood dripping onto shirt.<\/p>\n

\u201cFight<\/em>, you\u2014\u201d Remus stares at Sirius. He closes his eyes and draws his fists to his chest. He chokes and presses his palms flat against himself. Now he is crying; his face falls to his hands. \u201cWhat is wrong with you? How could you do<\/em> that to him?\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius sinks into a chair. \u201cIt was\u2026it\u2019s a long story. How did he find out?\u201d<\/p>\n

Lupin\u2019s voice is ragged. \u201cI\u2019m not talking about you<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLupin, how did he find out<\/em>?\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus shudders. \u201cHe found some fucked up letter you wrote to her.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJust now<\/em>?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, you stupid git, at school<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius\u2019s hands lay limp beside him on the arms of the chair, two dead birds. \u201cHe\u2019s known since then? Since then<\/em>? He never said a word \u2013 I was his best man. He made me Harry\u2019s godfather<\/em>!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMay that burn in you for the rest of your life.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius\u2019s grey eyes find Remus\u2019s golden ones.<\/p>\n

Remus looks away first.<\/p>\n

*~*<\/p>\n

Sirius\u2019s cuts are mended and the bruises fading quickly after Remus\u2019s healing spells. Both men sit on the edges of their chairs. Remus\u2019s foot taps a coda on the wooden floor. Every once in a while he presses his fingers to his forehead. Sirius stares at a ring on the coffee table left from a long-ago glass.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy did you do it?\u201d Remus\u2019s voice no longer flays Sirius alive.<\/p>\n

He closes his eyes and runs the heels of his palms over his eyebrows. \u201cWhat do you want me to say?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDamn it, Sirius, when are you going to grow up? Don\u2019t ask me what I want to hear. What do you have to say<\/em>?\u201d<\/p>\n

He jumps up and prowls the room. \u201cI\u2019ve fucked up, mate, and I can\u2019t see my way clear of it. I\u2019ve been in this flat since I left\u2026left theirs and I can\u2019t see\u2026I can\u2019t see anything at all. I walk down one path after another, they all end in nightmares. You don\u2019t need to tell me I\u2019ve fucked up. I can bloody well see that myself. There are no roads, no roads, Remus, no roads back from where I\u2019ve gone.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, but why<\/em>? What could possibly possess you to\u2026to\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius shakes his head and sits down again. \u201cI\u2019m no good, Remus. No bloody good. Never have been.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s not true, Sirius. And even if it was, it\u2019s not a reason. What possessed<\/em> you?\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius\u2019s head falls to the back of the couch. \u201cShe was so angry\u2026then I was angry\u2026she thought I had forgotten their danger.\u201d He laughs. \u201cForgotten<\/em>.\u201d He presses his palms flat against the couch on either side of him.<\/p>\n

Neither man moves. A clock ticks from the hall and Remus counts the seconds, one minute, two\u2026 \u201cHad you just come from\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cRemus, if you had seen what I saw, the way that family had been killed, slaughtered<\/em>, the children\u2026\u201d Sirius turns his head and Remus looks at the floor. \u201cI went to see Meliae after.\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus\u2019s eyebrows rise. \u201cYou did?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, Remus. I did. And I didn\u2019t sleep<\/em> all night long.\u201d He smiles, but there is something wrong with his eyes. \u201cAnd I saw her again right before I went to James\u2019s apartment. Meliae\u2026but Lily thought I wasn\u2019t focused on helping them. She attacked me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAttacked<\/em> you?\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius pulls aside the collar of his shirt. Black bruises in the form of fingers trail across his skin.<\/p>\n

\u201cLily<\/em> did that?\u201d Remus stands and moves to him, holding his collar open. \u201cLily<\/em>?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLily did that.\u201d Sirius pushes Remus\u2019s hands away.<\/p>\n

*~*<\/p>\n

Remus sits and runs his fingers down the wood of the arms of the chair. \u201cYou haven\u2019t once asked how she is. Or James, for that matter.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius is to Remus in two paces, hands on either side of him, still-swollen face looming inches from his own. \u201cAsked?\u201d He speaks through his teeth. \u201cDo I need to ask? What the fuck do you think is running through my mind at light speed every fucking second I\u2019m awake?\u201d He smashes his own hand against his head as if to dislodge something. \u201cRemus, so help me, if I had a penseive I would give you the memory of James\u2019s face, of Lily\u2019s, from that moment. I would give them to you and be damned<\/em>.\u201d  He shoves himself away and rises to his full height before walking away. But he cannot settle and moves from one spot to another, the muscle in his jaw clenching and unclenching, clenching and unclenching.<\/p>\n

*~*<\/p>\n

James sits in Remus\u2019s tiny kitchen twirling a letter by its point on the table. It is addressed to Remus in his wife\u2019s hand. The wax seal is, so far, still intact. A letter from Albus sits untouched.<\/p>\n

He lets Lily\u2019s letter fall and her writing slaps him in the face. He flicks it away and watches it fall to the floor. He lifts his foot but lets it drop back where it was. He bends over and picks it up again. He signals the owl, who flies over and lands on the back of the chair just as she had for Remus.<\/p>\n

\u201cTake this back.\u201d He reaches for the owl\u2019s leg but she hoots and jumps to the other side of the chair. He turns and reaches for her again. \u201cOuch!\u201d He sucks his finger and the owl flies back to her perch over the refrigerator and turns her back to him. \u201cBuzzard.\u201d<\/p>\n

He spins the letter again before dropping it on the table. He gets up and stalks to the living room.<\/p>\n

*~*<\/p>\n

\u201cShe sent me a message.\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus\u2019s eyes widen.<\/p>\n

\u201cShe wants me to talk to him. To tell him. About the first time.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShe does? Isn\u2019t that something she<\/em> should do?\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius pounds a hand against the wall. \u201cIt should be, shouldn\u2019t it? But she can\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s her husband<\/em>. She can\u2019t hide behind you! This is ridiculous!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cRemus, you would be right under any other circumstance. But I need you to trust me, believe what I\u2019m saying. Please. I need you to get James, get him to agree to meet me. And I need you there with us. Even then, it\u2019s going to be risky.\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus stares at Sirius. \u201cRisky<\/em>? You need me<\/em> to arrange the meeting? Have you<\/em> tried to reach him?\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius turns and rips open his shirt. Buttons clatter on the coffee table. A bloody, jagged gash bleeds red against the pale flesh of his chest.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat the bloody hell is that? It looks like a curse wound.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s what it is. A parting gift from the man you would have me contact.\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus\u2019s face pales. \u201cJames cursed<\/em> you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd now I know why it was so bloody effective.\u201d His shirt tails flutter behind him as he resumes pacing.<\/p>\n

\u201cHave you been to St. Mungo\u2019s?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cRemus, nothing can be done about healing curse wounds. And what of the awkward questions, such as \u2018Who did this to you? Because we need to send them to Azkaban.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut it\u2019s not closing. It\u2019s not healing. Something<\/em> can be done. Come here.\u201d He raises his wand.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve been seeing to it.\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus\u2019s eyes have not left the slash on Sirius\u2019s chest. \u201cNot very bloody well; come here.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius leans against the wall and tries to draw his shirt together.<\/p>\n

Remus lowers his wand. \u201cYou haven\u2019t tried very hard to heal it, have you.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius turns his back to Remus and presses his forehead against the wall. \u201cNo, Remus. I haven\u2019t tried very hard.\u201d<\/p>\n

*~*<\/p>\n

Remus stands with his hand above the handle to the door to his flat. He is staring at the door as if he has never seen it before. He hears James moving within.<\/p>\n

Still he stands, his hand suspended in space, half way between the man he has left and the man he will see when this door swings open.<\/p>\n

*~*<\/p>\n

He holds Albus\u2019 letter in his hands like it may sprout fangs and attack him. The hair on the back of his neck is standing on end. James is directly behind him.<\/p>\n

\u201cHave you been writing to her?\u201d James\u2019s voice ricochets off the walls and stabs into him. \u201cHave you been writing to her! Have you spilled every goddam word I\u2019ve said here to her!<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n

He presses the letter to the table. \u201cNo, James. I have not. Albus knows you are here, knows you are safe. He has obviously visited her, which,\u201d he turns to look at James, \u201cif you were not being such a prat<\/em>, I wouldn\u2019t have to explain to you.\u201d James shifts from one foot to the other but does not look away.<\/p>\n

Remus turns back and slides a finger under the wax seal, breaking it open. \u201cGo away, James.\u201d He waits as footsteps trudge to the living room.<\/p>\n

Remus \u2013 <\/em><\/p>\n

I understand your despair. But it is not that you must never be angry, or sad, or anything of the like. Instead, you must find these things separate from the beast within you and express them purely. Do not feel you have an insurmountable task \u2013 indeed, each of us has within us a beast with which we must wrestle. I myself have one which has informed many of my own decisions. <\/em><\/p>\n

That you were able to stop yourself in the most recent episode with James is good progress. I know how hard you work and I have confidence in your ability, eventually, to gain the complete upper hand in this matter.  <\/em><\/p>\n

I must reiterate that I believe the risks of the new potion to be too great. Much more work is required before I would entrust you to such, my dear friend. <\/em><\/p>\n

Yours, truly, <\/em><\/p>\n

Albus  <\/em><\/p>\n

Hand shaking, he refolds the letter and tucks it into his coat pocket. He breaks the other seal and his eyes follow Lily\u2019s beautiful, curving script.<\/p>\n

Albus says he is with you. Is he? Is he safe? Oh dear Merlin, Remus, you hold my heart, my hope, in your hands, your selfless, gentle hands \u2013 I would wish a thousand times and a thousand times more for you not to be in the middle of this, but I see that is exactly where you are, and perhaps it is inevitable. Peter is useless in such instances \u2013 he never could handle discomfort of any kind.     <\/em><\/p>\n

Please, please, dear Remus, tell him I love him, when he can hear it, tell him I need him so very, very desperately, tell him [here a line is crossed out] ask him what I must do, Remus, tell him I will do anything, anything, anything he asks, anything.     <\/em><\/p>\n

The last word is so heavily underlined the parchment is torn. He reads it again. And again.<\/p>\n

He folds the letter and places it on the table. There has not been a single sound from the living room. He knits his fingers together and leans his forehead against them. \u201cHow much do you wish to hurt her and Sirius? How much, James? How much will be enough?\u201d<\/p>\n

He hears James get up and walk back to the kitchen, stop behind him. \u201cHurt her<\/em>? Hurt Sirius<\/em>?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, James. How much? Do you have a measurement, a length of time, perhaps, or an amount of blood you would like to see?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cExcuse me. I thought you said how much would I<\/em> like to hurt them<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s what I asked you, James.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m not the\u2014Remus! I\u2019m not the one who\u2026what are you saying to me?\u201d<\/p>\n

James is now standing next to him. Remus can feel his eyes burning the top of his head. He keeps his forehead pressed to his fingers. \u201cYou asked me how many times a man must forgive. A thousand times, James, and a thousand times more, but you don\u2019t need to forgive a second time, do you? Because you never forgave the first time.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNever forgave? He was my best man! He is the godfather of my child! I see him almost every single day of my life!<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDid you always know you would tell him someday, what you knew about them during school? Have you just been waiting for the right moment?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI never<\/em> told him! I told you I never\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s right, you told me<\/em>. So I<\/em> could go do your dirty work. You\u2019re such a bloody coward, James.\u201d There is a sudden motion next to him but Remus waves his hand. \u201cDon\u2019t hit me again. I will not allow it.\u201d<\/p>\n

James slams into the chair across the table from Remus. \u201cI would never, ever<\/em>\u2026I didn\u2019t even know where you were. I had no idea<\/em>\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, you did. How long have we known each other? How many times have I been in the position of go-between for you and Sirius? You knew I would go to him with this.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cRemus, I swear to you\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cStop, James, just stop. I don\u2019t have the energy. I\u2019ve seen Sirius\u2019s chest, you see.\u201d<\/p>\n

James\u2019s mouth is open.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll tell you something and then you can think about what you want to say. It hasn\u2019t healed. And it won\u2019t, not ever, not really. For them to work, James, for a curse truly<\/em> to work, you have to mean<\/em> it; you have to throw every hatred you have of that person<\/em> out with the curse. You couldn\u2019t have come up with that much hatred in such a short time no matter what was going on between them when you walked in.\u201d<\/p>\n

James\u2019s eyes are two burning coals in an otherwise white face. His breath whistles in and out of his teeth.<\/p>\n

\u201cSirius hasn\u2019t even really tried to heal it. It\u2019s there, ripped open, and he keeps it that way.\u201d Remus looks into James\u2019s eyes. \u201cYou\u2019ve got what you\u2019ve always wanted. Lily is at your feet, begging for your forgiveness, for your love. Sirius is punishing himself more than you ever could. He is desperate to meet with you. Wants me to arrange it. You\u2019ve got everything you ever dreamed of, and here you are, the ultimate victim, the holy martyr to their trespasses, holding all the cards and dealing none. You\u2019re just a nice guy. You\u2019re such<\/em> a nice guy. Not a soul in the world can hold a thing against you. Congratulations. It is a master stroke.\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus rises and leaves the kitchen. James hears the front door open and close.<\/p>\n

*~*<\/p>\n

James stands with his hands pressed against the glass of the window in the living room. He has been standing like this for hours. He is afraid that if he moves his hands something in him will break and he will fall and he will never stop. So he holds onto the glass and the sun moves around him on its path through the sky. It is an illusion, though. The sun does not know, or care, that he is there, breathing in, breathing out. He watches as the shadow parts of him turn to light and the light parts turn to shadow.<\/p>\n

And he holds on to the glass.<\/p>\n


\n<\/strong><\/p>\n

Tacitum Vivit sub Pectore Vulnus<\/h2>\n

A wound unuttered lives deep within the breast \u2013 Virgil<\/em><\/p>\n

The caf\u00e9 is crowded and the line to get food snakes out into the street. Remus holds two paper cups in his hands, and grimaces as the heat builds. He glances at his wand, shoved in his pocket, then at all the Muggles. He sighs and pushes his way through the crowd to the small table jammed against the back wall where he puts the cups down, shaking his hands. \u201cOuch.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n

Lily does her facsimile of a smile. \u201cThanks.\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus pulls the chair back and drops his coat onto it before lowering himself into it. He looks at her closely \u2013 the tangled hair; the deep, hooded eyes; the raw skin where she has blown her nose again and again and again. \u201cWhere\u2019s Harry?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWith James\u2019s mum. She\u2019s over the moon about a whole afternoon with him. Don\u2019t even think she heard me say goodbye.\u201d The grimace that passes for a smile crosses her face again. \u201cI think she was. You know. Shocked. By the apartment.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI think you<\/em> are. You know. Shocked. By the apartment.\u201d Remus covers her hands with his.<\/p>\n

A car backfires outside and her hands fly to her chest, her eyes wild.<\/p>\n

\u201cI cast the charms outside.\u201d<\/p>\n

Lily lowers her hands. \u201cYeah. OK.\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus adds cream to his tea.<\/p>\n

Lily stirs her own, her eyes on the red knit cap of the woman at the next table. \u201cThanks for coming.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t say that like I\u2019m doing you some huge favor you don\u2019t deserve.\u201d<\/p>\n

She lowers her eyes. \u201cYeah.\u201d<\/p>\n

The sounds around them press down and Remus reaches for his wand, then stops, puts his hand flat on the table. \u201cHow do they put up with the noise and nothing to do about it?\u201d He shakes his head.<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cListen, Lily, if I have to hear you say \u2018yeah\u2019 one more time, I\u2019m going to go round the bend. We\u2019ve known each other for years and I feel like I\u2019m walking on eggshells. Where are you, Lil?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cTell me what James told you. What did he say?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m here to talk about you, not him.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut he\u2019s staying with you, right?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, Lily, he\u2019s with me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo what did he say? To you? Did he say he hated me? Did he say he would come back? What did he say<\/em>?\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus puts his cup down on the table rather harder than necessary and winces as hot tea splashes onto his hand. \u201cLily, I am not going to talk about what James is saying with you. I didn\u2019t talk about what you\u2019ve been saying with him, about all the things we have been discussing over the last months, and I owe just as much respect to him as to you. You are, after all, two of my best friends.\u201d He takes a napkin from the stack and dries his hand.<\/p>\n

Lily presses her fingers to her eyelids. \u201cYou think I\u2019m a stupid bitch, don\u2019t you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t think you\u2019re a bitch. I\u2019ve never thought you were a bitch. I think you made a stupid decision.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI didn\u2019t decide <\/em>to sleep with him. It just happened<\/em>. One second I\u2019m trying to strangle him, the next second\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus studies her face. \u201cOne thing, Lily. We\u2019ve always, always been honest with one another. Always. And I want that to continue. And I\u2019m not willing to sit here if you\u2019re not going to hold up your end of the bargain.\u201d<\/p>\n

She jabs her stirrer to the bottom of her cup. \u201cWhat, exactly, are you accusing me of lying about?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThere was a moment when you could have chosen \u2013 decided,<\/em> if you prefer \u2013 not<\/em> to have one second follow the next.\u201d<\/p>\n

Lily\u2019s cheeks flame and she ducks her head. Her shoulders shake and she brings her hands to her face.<\/p>\n

Remus lifts his cup to his mouth and blows across the surface of the tea. He brings it to his lips and sips it. \u201cTell me why it happened.\u201d<\/p>\n

Lily slams her fists on the table. \u201cJames is gone all the time and I can\u2019t stand it! He\u2019s never around, and even when he is<\/em> around, he isn\u2019t<\/em>!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShut it. Even you can\u2019t possibly believe that is the reason.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo. I don\u2019t.\u201d She molds her hands around her cup and stares at the table top. \u201cSirius was so upset\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWrong again.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cRemus! <\/em>Shut the bloody hell up <\/em>for one second!\u201d The woman with the red hat turns toward them. Lily crosses her eyes and sticks out her tongue. The woman\u2019s head snaps back around.<\/p>\n

\u201cShut it yourself. I know you\u2019re stressed. We all are. But how could you so spectacularly drop the ball? This is completely out of character for you.\u201d<\/p>\n

Her hands land in her lap and lay there. \u201cYeah.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah.\u201d Remus blows across the top of his cup again.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re right. It isn\u2019t all him. It\u2019s me, too. My brain is all messed up. I can\u2019t think anymore. I just get so\u2026\u201d She is looking at the red cap again.<\/p>\n

\u201cSo caught up in your shit.\u201d<\/p>\n

Lily rolls her eyes. \u201cIt\u2019s not shit<\/em>, Remus.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat is it then?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know. Stuff<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShit.\u201d<\/p>\n

She grins and this time it reaches her eyes. \u201cYou are maddening.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut loveable, all the same.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen are you going to allow someone to see that?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t change the subject.\u201d<\/p>\n

She sighs. \u201cI can\u2019t relate to James lately. I raise our child, keep the house clean, wait for people to bring me food, do whatever it is I manage to do with myself every day and he walks in and out of the house. We never touch. We barely talk.<\/em> When I ask him about his day he can\u2019t even be bothered to answer.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe has drifted so far away from me I can\u2019t find him. He still loves Quidditch \u2013 he\u2019ll listen to the Wireless for hours, to every match. He knows all the players, all the statistics. I\u2019ve told him he\u2019s obsessed but he doesn\u2019t see it that way \u2013 he just scoffs and turns away. Honestly, Remus, there is nothing there for me to touch, nothing to hold on to.\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus\u2019s eyebrows draw together and he frowns.<\/p>\n

Lily sips her tea and then puts the cup on the table, lining it up precisely with the design on the surface. \u201cIn my saner moments, I try to look at the other things he\u2019s doing.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhich things?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSunshine charms. Flowers. The effort he\u2019s making to keep us alive.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh. Little things like that.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cRemus, with all he\u2019s doing, how can I possibly get mad at him for anything, ever?<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus looks at her over the top of his cup. \u201cLily, you\u2019re a couple. It\u2019s unrealistic to say you\u2019ll never do anything to piss each other off.\u201d<\/p>\n

Lily sighs. \u201cOK. I know that.\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus reaches into his pocket and pulls his wand half-way out. \u201cMuffliato Specifico.\u201d <\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cRemus!\u201d<\/em> Lily laughs out loud.<\/p>\n

\u201cSorry \u2013 I just can\u2019t stand to hear one more word about how that man is the only reason anything has ever gotten done in the entire history of the world as we know it.\u201d<\/p>\n

Lily laughs again and Remus grins. She puts her hand in her purse. \u201cTaceo!”<\/em> The wall of sound around them falls silent.<\/p>\n

\u201cLily!\u201d<\/em> Remus mimics her falsetto. \u201cWell, that is <\/em>better.\u201d<\/p>\n

They smile at each other and then she puts her forehead in her hands. \u201cHe\u2019s under so much stress \u2013 he walks in, when <\/em>he walks in, and he takes Harry, I know it\u2019s because he wants to give me a break, and I let him, because he\u2019s right, and I <\/em>know that all he wants to do is go to bed and sleep before he\u2019s called out again.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s a lot of thinking. Have you said any of these things outside your head?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat would be the point? It\u2019s obvious what\u2019s going on.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou spend entirely too much time thinking<\/em> about things.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy else would he do these things? He\u2019s such a good man \u2013 doesn\u2019t everyone say so?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou sound like you\u2019re trying to convince yourself.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI can\u2019t tell you, when we first started dating, how often I heard \u2018You\u2019re so lucky. James is such a great guy.\u2019 Even you said it!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJames is <\/em>a great guy.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut he\u2019s a guy.<\/em> Maybe that\u2019s my point.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou want him to be a centaur, or a goblin?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t be dense, Remus. I mean he\u2019s just a guy. Not a man.\u201d Lily\u2019s hands move like squirrels. \u201cI used to think it was so funny how none of you were ever serious, how all of you did nothing but joke around and act like gits. But now, Remus, I\u2019m wondering if he\u2019s forgotten how to talk at all. I have never been so alone \u2013 and so lonely \u2013 in my life. And there I go, complaining again.\u201d She has been twirling a strand of hair around her finger and now it has tightened and turned her finger purple. She yanks it out.<\/p>\n

Remus sees the glimmer of tears in her lower lashes. He hands her a paper napkin. \u201cI will agree with your assessment, as I always have. James can have a hard time seeing what is going on for him in the emotion department. But you can\u2019t say he doesn\u2019t try. The sunshine charm, as you mentioned. That\u2019s a man trying, regardless of the other selfishness.\u201d<\/p>\n

Lily turns her cup around and around. \u201cIt doesn\u2019t\u2026feel like that. It feels like he\u2019s continually doing these things to tell me how good he is, how bad I am.\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus\u2019s lips form a thin line. He glowers out the window and Lily bites her bottom lip. But when he turns back to her, whatever storm had swept through him is gone. \u201cPart of your problem is that you are so black and white. Either he\u2019s a total git or he\u2019s trying the best he can. He can be a mixture of both, you know. Both things you said are true. Yes, it\u2019s a problem that he doesn\u2019t open up to you more. And yes, he is doing a tremendous amount under very trying circumstances. He loves you, Lily. Why else would he do it? Why are you using every action he makes to beat yourself up, telling yourself you\u2019re not worthy?\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus\u2019s face swims before her. \u201cWell, I\u2019m not,<\/em> am I? And you don\u2019t know the half of it.\u201d She wipes her eyes with the heels of her hands.<\/p>\n

\u201cI do know the half of it.\u201d<\/p>\n

Her eyes widen. \u201cYou know? About\u2026\u201d Her face turns oddly red and she swallows. If she had not cast the Taceo <\/em>spell he never would have heard her.<\/p>\n

\u201cI know. About during school.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJames\u2026? Or Sirius?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJames.\u201d<\/p>\n

Her face falls.<\/p>\n

\u201cLily, what on earth possessed you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHave you talked to Sirius? Has James?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLily, Sirius said you asked him to talk to James. Why would you do that? Why are you not talking to James yourself?\u201d<\/p>\n

She fidgets, twisting her fingers together. \u201cI\u2026can\u2019t, Remus. That\u2019s all I can say. You have to trust me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s what Sirius said. What the hell is going on?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPlease, Remus, just\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cTrust you.\u201d He looks at her.<\/p>\n

\u201cJames\u2026James cursed him.\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus is motionless. \u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHave you seen it?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIs it healing?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do you think?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cCould you help him with it?\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus looks down. \u201cHe doesn\u2019t want anyone to help him with it.\u201d<\/p>\n

Lily lowers her head onto her arms and sobs. \u201cS-so you do <\/em>th-think I\u2019m a bitch.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t think you\u2019re a bitch, Lily. In fact, I think a lot of things I can\u2019t tell you right now, but none of them involve you being \u2018bad.\u2019 Your hatred of James for doing nice things for you is a bit easier to explain. But Lily, you do deserve to have nice things done for you. It\u2019s been years<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt doesn\u2019t matter, does it?\u201d She lifts her head and tears continue to pour down her cheeks. \u201cIt\u2019s like everything he does is a tiny little dagger. He\u2019s so fucking nice! He\u2019s a nice guy! Why can\u2019t he be a jackass or something? Why can\u2019t he just yell or get pissed or\u2026or react? Why does he have to act so fucking perfect? I hate him!\u201d Her eyes fly wide and she slaps her hands over her mouth. She peels them back just as fast. \u201cNo! I don\u2019t hate him!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cFirst thought, best thought, Lily.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI love James!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know you love James, Lily, no one is saying \u2013 or would even believe \u2013 that you didn\u2019t. But what you just said points at that deeper thing you\u2019re looking for.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPlease, Remus, forget I said it.\u201d Her eyes are still wide and her lips bloodless in her face.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, Lily, I won\u2019t forget it, and you shouldn\u2019t, either.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThis didn\u2019t happen because I hate him.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, you\u2019re the one who said it. Is it true?\u201d<\/p>\n

She steeples her fingers and rests her forehead against them. \u201cHow could I know he would walk in right then?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou couldn\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re saying I wanted him to know, to hurt him.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m not. But shagging his best friend is about the biggest \u2018fuck you\u2019 I can think of. Even if he didn\u2019t know. Take a moment. Look under this rock and study the things that squirm away from the light.\u201d<\/p>\n

Lily shifts in her seat. \u201cI just wanted\u2026I need something someone<\/em> to hold on to. I needed that.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s a good start. Why do you need that?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI think everyone needs that. I don\u2019t think that\u2019s strange.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s not strange. But in this case, it has come out\u2014strangely. Why?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI think\u2026I\u2019ve been angry. At James. For a long time.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, we\u2019ve established that.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMerlin, Remus. I\u2019m in that apartment and it\u2019s so cold there, everything is\u2014it\u2019s just so grey. I can\u2019t stand it. No one tells me anything and every time there is even the slightest sound I want to scream\u2026and I think I wanted to \u2013 needed<\/em> to \u2013 have someone acknowledge that I\u2019m still alive.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd that person is not James, but Sirius?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSirius has always, always known I\u2019m alive.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s just your stupid fantasy, Lily. Sirius knows every woman within a two-Apparation radius is alive.\u201d<\/p>\n

Lily\u2019s face flushes. \u201cIt\u2019s different. With me.\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus jerks forward. \u201cYou were getting somewhere, but that\u2019s bullshit, Lily.\u201d He jabs his finger into the table with each word. \u201cTotal bullshit. And it\u2019s dangerous bullshit to boot.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat if it\u2019s not?\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus leans back. \u201cLily, if this is the direction you\u2019re going to travel, I\u2019m getting up and I\u2019m walking out. Right now.\u201d He pushes himself away from the table and stands up.<\/p>\n

She throws herself across the table and grabs his arm. Her eyes are two green holes in her face. \u201cRemus, please. Please. Sit down.\u201d<\/p>\n

He stands for a moment longer, his face turned halfway to the door, then resumes his seat with a sigh.<\/p>\n

She sits back and blows her nose again and wads the napkin into a tight ball.<\/p>\n

Remus pushes the stack of napkins to her and she picks up another one. \u201cLily, you need to look at your pattern with men.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cRemus\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you want to figure something out or do you just want to lie to me and waste my time?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAll right! OK! My pattern with men. What is it?\u201d She crosses her arms.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou don\u2019t want Sirius. You just want. Period. When things get tough, this is what you do. You want someone, and it can be anyone, as long as it isn\u2019t the person you\u2019re currently with.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s not true!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt is, and if you\u2019d slow down for one second you\u2019d admit it. I\u2019ve known you a long, long time. We were prefects together, in case you\u2019ve forgotten, and you\u2019ve talked to me about every boyfriend you\u2019ve ever had. There is always one theme when the going gets tough. Someone else is always better, nicer, more together, whatever your current boyfriend isn\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut I \u2013 that\u2019s not \u2013 \u201d Lily\u2019s face pales.<\/p>\n

Remus drags his hand down his face. \u201cYou were always poor at Occlumency.\u201d Lily splutters and Remus raises his hand. \u201cAnd even if you weren\u2019t, you\u2019ve been talking to me for years. I can\u2019t help it if I\u2019ve heard some of this before. You\u2018ve left a trail of wrecked men in your wake. It\u2019s no wonder if some of them have talked to me, being as I\u2019m such a close, personal friend of yours. You\u2019ve done this before. Well, maybe not this\u201d<\/em>\u2014he waves his hand\u2014\u201cbut you\u2019ve come close.\u201d<\/p>\n

Lily twists her fingers together. \u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes what, Lily?\u201d Remus\u2019s eyes close.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes. I did that. Do <\/em>that. You\u2019re right.\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus opens his eyes.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve been doing that with Sirius this past month, is that what you\u2019re saying?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou sure don\u2019t have to work as hard at that relationship as you do in your relationship with James. And Sirius is always willing to walk the line between acceptable and not acceptable, in terms of his interactions with women. I think you\u2019ve gotten a lot of what you don\u2019t get lately from James from Sirius. But it\u2019s not real, Lily. He\u2019s just doing what he does. Half the time I don\u2019t even think he knows he\u2019s doing it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know that. Well, some part of me knows that. And I\u2019ve always been good about keeping away from that part of Sirius before.\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus raises his eyebrows.<\/p>\n

\u201cRemus, please<\/em>. But now\u2026is different, somehow.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, yes. Now is different, Lily. Everyone is falling apart. Not even that \u2013 shattering. I know you\u2019re not out there as an Auror, and neither am I, although I am doing what I can, but I can\u2019t tell you \u2013 what they are seeing, doing, Lily, it\u2019s\u2026well, it\u2019s taking a huge toll on them.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd on you. You\u2019ve been upset for months now. Maybe your guard is down a little. Maybe you\u2019ve done your own \u2018something better\u2019 thing by straying a little bit with how you interact with Sirius. I don\u2019t think, for one second, that you planned what happened, but you sure didn\u2019t spend any time making sure something like that couldn\u2019t happen. This is not entirely Sirius\u2019s fault.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know that, Remus.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou would have been better served \u2013 and that\u2019s an understatement \u2013 if you had poured that energy into James. Have you told him how hard it\u2019s been for you when he\u2019s so closed?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cN-no.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo he doesn\u2019t really have any idea how you feel right now.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow could he not<\/em>?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s a man, Lil. Sometimes we don\u2019t get it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, Remus, you\u2019re<\/em> a man, and you <\/em>get it.\u201d Her eyes blaze.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, and you\u2019re talking<\/em> to me, and have been for months.\u201d He almost smiles but can\u2019t quite pull it off.<\/p>\n

She cannot take her fingers off one another. \u201cRemus, why don\u2019t you find someone you<\/em> can talk to?\u201d Her fingers dance together, apart, together. \u201cRemus, why aren\u2019t you\u2026?\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus is completely still.<\/p>\n

Lily looks straight at him. \u201cWhy don\u2019t you date anyone?\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus sits for a long time, staring out the window.<\/p>\n

Lily pries her fingers apart, flattening her hands on the table. \u201cRemus, I want to know\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t. Please, Lily. Just don\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n

Lily tries to catch his eye but he is looking down. She releases a breath she didn\u2019t realize she was holding. One of her hands reaches half-way across to him and she stares at it, fascinated, before it drops back to the table.<\/p>\n

\u201cLily, if you truly want things to change, change yourself. You\u2019ve tried to change him \u2013 it doesn\u2019t work. It never works. You need to change what you do \u2013 you need to turn toward him when it gets tough, not away. Do you want to leave him, or drive him to leave you?\u201d<\/p>\n

Lily presses her fingers to her lips. \u201cNo.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAre you sure? Because you\u2019ve very nearly done it.\u201d<\/p>\n

Once again she covers her face. \u201cWhat have I done?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cA very stupid thing that will take a long time to fix, if it can be fixed at all. However, you can no longer pretend that everything is OK. You can no longer just go on day after day, dying quietly under the scopes, keeping it all to yourself. You just stood up and cried \u2018Fire!\u2019 in a crowded theater.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMuggle expression. It means you\u2019ve got everyone\u2019s attention and caused a panic.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know what it means. But what about him? Why doesn\u2019t he have to do anything? Why does it have to be me?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow do you know James isn\u2019t equally shocked into action?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBecause nothing shocks James into action!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Remus pulls back. \u201cMerlin, Lily, keep your shirt on. And believe me, James is shocked.\u201d<\/p>\n

Lily pushes her fingers into her hair. They catch and she yelps, pulling them free. \u201cGood.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus grabs her hand and turns it palm up. Torn scabs and raw skin meet his eyes. \u201cLily. What have you done to yourself?\u201d<\/p>\n

She pulls her hands from him. \u201cI hurt them when I was cleaning the apartment.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLily, are you a witch or not? Did someone snap your wand in half?\u201d<\/p>\n

She sighs. \u201cNo. I know all the charms. I\u2026how can I explain it? There is nothing to do. And if you do it quickly, then there is nothing longer.\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus releases her hand and looks at the table.<\/p>\n

She presses her palms against her forehead and sobs in earnest. \u201cIt\u2019s not like I have a lot of people to talk to. Except you and S-Sirius.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLily,\u201d he leans forward, his hands pulling hers away from her face. \u201cIt\u2019s all right to cry. Here.\u201d He hands her his paper napkin.<\/p>\n

She takes it and wipes her eyes, still crying.<\/p>\n

\u201cLily, I know he\u2019s been over there a lot lately. How far off the track did you go? What have you been talking about?\u201d<\/p>\n

Once again Lily buries her face in her hands. \u201cOh, Merlin, Remus!\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus rubs her arms. \u201cLily, just suck it up and tell me.\u201d<\/p>\n

Lily chokes, scrubbing her face with a napkin, which disintegrates. She throws it down and takes another, pressing the whole thing to her face.<\/p>\n

\u201cLily, what do you talk about?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe talk \u2013 we talk \u2013 Remus!\u201d She looks up, eyes pleading.<\/p>\n

\u201cTalk. About.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cS-school, and how it was, and how things have ch-changed\u2014\u201d She makes that odd choking sound again.<\/p>\n

\u201cSchool. And how it was. With all of us?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cN-no, Remus!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWith just you two?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI see. I understand now. So what you\u2019ve been telling me is, in part, total bollocks. You\u2019ve been seducing<\/em> him. This is the logical result of you consciously breaking <\/em>a boundary with a past lover who is notoriously<\/em> bad at keeping boundaries himself!<\/em>\u201d Remus slams his fists down on the table and Lily jumps. \u201cMerlin,<\/em> Lily<\/em>, did you think at all?<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cFuck you, Remus! Fuck you!<\/em>\u201d Lily\u2019s eyes are red, her cheeks blotchy. \u201cI am not lying to you! I never, ever,<\/em> planned on shagging him! Ever!<\/em> It just\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIf you say \u2018happened\u2019 again I\u2019m going to throw up.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do you want me to say<\/em>?\u201d She looks wildly about, her breath quick and shallow.<\/p>\n

The corner of Remus\u2019s mouth curves upwards. \u201cIt\u2019s astounding how many times I\u2019ve heard that question in the past few days. And how little I ever want to hear it again. Is there no one\u201d<\/em>\u2014he spreads his arms wide\u2014\u201ccapable of taking responsibility for what they\u2019ve done and looking<\/em> at it?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI am taking responsibility for it! What have I been sitting here doing i<\/em>f not taking responsibility for it?\u201d Lily\u2019s eyes blaze and her hands are balled into fists.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re starting, right now, to make excuses again. \u2018I never, ever, <\/em>planned on shagging him!\u2019\u201d Remus\u2019s voice once more imitates hers. \u201cHave <\/em>you been shagging him since school?\u201d Her hand is a blur but he catches her wrist a scant inch from his face. \u201cWhy must everyone strike those who are the least deserving of it?\u201d He twists her wrist and she yelps. He closes his eyes and breathes deeply. When he opens them again he shoves her hand away.<\/p>\n

\u201cI hate you, Remus.\u201d She rubs her wrist.<\/p>\n

\u201cI know. I suppose I would be a much better friend if I simply agreed that everyone else is to blame except for the person sitting in front of me and tried to help each of you exact revenge on the others. Except, of course,\u201d he runs his hand through his graying hair, \u201cthat each of you has already pursued revenge much, much further than I would have thought possible.\u201d<\/p>\n

He stands then, and, picking up his cold tea, trudges out of the caf\u00e9.<\/p>\n


\n<\/strong><\/p>\n

The Ancient Magic of Salt<\/h2>\n

She walks directly to the door and knocks before she can turn around and run in the opposite direction.<\/p>\n

It opens and she looks at the ground in front of her. \u201cI don\u2019t know why I\u2019m here, but…\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t either.\u201d<\/p>\n

She steps through the door and he shies away from her. She hears the door click shut behind her before she can bring herself to raise her eyes. He stands before her, same long black hair, same grey eyes, but someone she has never, ever seen before.<\/p>\n

\u201cLily, I don\u2019t want you here. At all.\u201d He moves back to the door and puts his hand on the doorknob.<\/p>\n

\u201cI know.\u201d She stands still.<\/p>\n

He turns the knob and opens the door.<\/p>\n

She closes her eyes and breathes, then reaches over and pushes the door closed. \u201cSirius, I need to do, to say, some things.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGreat. Say them to James. I don\u2019t need to hear them.\u201d His hand has not left the doorknob.<\/p>\n

\u201cPlease, Sirius, this isn\u2019t easy for me to do.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLily, you saved my life once, and for that I am eternally grateful, and I hope you know that. I\u2019m sorry for the things I said and did to you in your apartment. I can\u2019t blame you for trying to strangle me. My head was…not in the right place. But I don\u2019t think I want to see you for a while. Maybe never.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSirius, Remus told me. About your chest.\u201d She reaches out, touches his arm.<\/p>\n

Sirius jerks backwards as if she has burned him. \u201cIs there nothing the wolf will not tell you?\u201d He slams the door open against the wall and stalks away from it.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe cares for you, Sirius.  Is that such an unforgivable thing? Will you just allow me to help you?” She is trembling, her face chalk-white. \u201cS-Sirius,\u201d<\/p>\n

He puts out a hand toward her, his back still to her, as if warding off a blow too terrible to endure. \u201cPlease. I beg you. Stop talking. I do not. Want. To hear. Your voice<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n

She clears her throat. \u201cI will<\/em> do what I came to do, say what I came to say, and you will not…\u201d<\/p>\n

He is to her in three paces, hands iron bands on her shoulders. She feels the wall as she crashes into it. \u201cWhat do you want from me? Do you want my blood? My soul, Lily? Will you leave if I rip my guts out and give them to you with my own hands? Didn\u2019t I do that once? Isn\u2019t once enough?<\/em>\u201d His eyes are wide and his breath comes in spasms.<\/p>\n

She can feel his hands shaking on her body. Sweat trickles down her sides and something quick and hot runs up her spine. She opens her mouth and a sound like a small bird fills the air between them. His eyes close and he pushes her hard into the wall again, turning away and raking his fingers thorough his hair. She shakes her head as if coming out of a trance and follows him into the living room, her hands out. \u201cSirius! For Merlin\u2019s sake, Sirius, you\u2019re frightening me!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo you follow me into the living<\/em> room<\/em>?\u201d His eyes are wild and his hair flies about his face as he whirls first to the coffee table, then to the couch. \u201cShould I shag you here? Or maybe over here? Do you want me to shag you up against the wall? Where, Lily? Choose<\/em>!\u201d<\/p>\n

She whips her wand out of her purse. \u201cPetrificus<\/em>\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

But once again her wand goes flying and she turns to face the man who fights Dark wizards for a living. His wand is leveled at her heart and now his hands do not shake. \u201cRight there, Lily.\u201d The tip of his wand forms a circle and a spot on her chest, between her breasts, turns hot. \u201cRight. There.\u201d<\/p>\n

She stumbles backwards away from him, still facing him, falling and catching herself on a chair, her eyes mesmerized by the tip of his wand. Her hands fly to her chest. She is shaking. \u201cSirius, you asked me not to talk, but I need to…you cannot walk around with an open wound for the rest of your life!\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius drops his hand, his face ravaged. \u201cMerlin, woman, go. Go. Can\u2019t you just leave<\/em>?\u201d<\/p>\n

She moves toward him and now it is he who stands mesmerized, his hands balled into fists at his side. \u201cOh Lily, don\u2019t, don\u2019t, don\u2019t, don\u2019t, don\u2019t, don\u2019t,\u201d and her mouth meets his own. She pulls open his shirt and pushes herself against him, pushing his back to the wall, her hands in his hair…<\/p>\n

She pulls away, puzzled, looks down. She jumps back with a shriek, eyes flying over her shirt, red, blood, to his wand, still in his fist. He drops it and she screams.<\/p>\n

\u201cShhh, Lily, shhhh<\/em>, it\u2019s not you, love, it\u2019s not you, I wouldn\u2019t, I couldn\u2019t<\/em>.\u201d He runs his fingers over his chest, smearing red across his flesh. \u201cNot yours. Mine.\u201d<\/p>\n

She breathes against him, touching him. \u201cMy f-fault. My bloody fault, this<\/em>.\u201d  She slides toward the floor and he pulls her to him and she is crying now, her whole body shaking with the force of her sobs, and he holds her, crushes her to him, whispering into her hair, containing the pieces of her as she disintegrates in his arms.<\/p>\n

Then she is chanting nonstop and he does not try to weave her speech into meaning but just keeps her pressed against him, the raw burning of her shirt on the ripped wound in his chest setting his teeth on edge.<\/p>\n

She pushes him away and her chanting fills the space between them. Once again her eyes fasten on his chest. One hand reaches out, crosses the infinite chasm between them, dancing and weaving toward him. A finger touches the blood running down his chest. Then another, and another, and she is moving her hand purposefully over him until it is smeared with his blood, covered with it. She draws back; he follows her motion through the air, watches as she presses the hand to her forehead, her lips, as she rubs the blood into the valley between her breasts.<\/p>\n

Her flesh is white-hot and his eyes burn. He stands rigid, throbbing in turn at head and chest. He looks down into her eyes, then follows her hand again; it moves lower, the hem of her skirt hugs her hips, her fingers disappear. He watches her face fall open like the flower of her name. His eyes drop and he watches as her fingers dip and slide, blood mixing with the salt of an ancient ocean.  He is shaking, his breathing coming in short gasps.<\/p>\n

After the last, devastating release, she withdraws her hand, brings it to his chest, draws it across the wound. He closes his eyes and sucks his breath in through his teeth; his lower lashes fill. His head falls back against the wall. She continues her motion, running her hand over and over, her scent filling him.<\/p>\n

When she stops he is afraid to open his eyes. Fire burns through his flesh and he can feel it pass through his body, every cell outlined in light. Still she holds her hand to him and it is not until she lets him go completely that he dares look down.<\/p>\n

The wound is angry and red. It always will be. But it has closed.<\/p>\n

\u201cPlease. Please tell James. About the first time<\/em>.\u201d She turns and flees.<\/p>\n


\n<\/strong><\/p>\n

Wolves Circling<\/h2>\n

The sun streams in, forming a blinding white spot on the coffee table; it throws a perfect rectangle on the wall opposite the two men sitting there.<\/p>\n

There are two glasses before them on the table, both filled nearly to the rim, ice melting and diluting the contents, rings bulbous beneath them from pooling condensation. A letter lays on the table nearly half-way between them, but nearer the one on the chair. Four eyes burn holes in the envelope, or would if concentration could be focused into fire.<\/p>\n

A third man watches from a doorway, his arms crossed, his eyes jumping from one man to the other, his face a study in wariness and wayward, windswept hope. He shifts from one leg to the other and arches his back. Then he is still.<\/p>\n

The man in the chair reaches out, takes the envelope in his fingers. The man on the couch pales but does not move.<\/p>\n

“You wrote this. To her.\u201d<\/p>\n

The man on the couch nods.<\/p>\n

“And it is true, what you wrote. What you did.”<\/p>\n

The man on the couch presses his lips together and looks down. Nods.<\/p>\n

“Why is she keeping it if this hasn\u2019t been going on the whole time?<\/em>” James throws the letter across the room.<\/p>\n

Its flight is graceful and it sails through the air, coming to rest in the doorway at Remus\u2019s feet. “James, where did this come from?”<\/p>\n

“The fucking back of Lily’s drawe<\/em>r fell on my fucking hand<\/em> when I was getting a sweater for my Mum and this is what came out<\/em>!” He rounds on Sirius. “And when I walked in. You want me to believe that was only the second time. Not the twelfth or the thirty-second or the fucking one hundred and fortieth<\/em>!” He is on his feet, his chest heaving, his fists clenched at his side.<\/p>\n

Sirius flinches. “The second time.”<\/p>\n

James paces a line on the rug like a caged animal. “And the first time. There is a reason.” The muscles of his back are iron bands.<\/p>\n

“Yes. There was a reason.”<\/p>\n

“A reason or a fucking excuse<\/em>?” He reaches the wall and pounds his fists against it.<\/p>\n

“Easy, James, easy.” Remus extends a hand but James shoves it away and continues pacing.<\/p>\n

“A reason.” Deep lines etch Sirius\u2019s mouth as he speaks.<\/p>\n

“And the second<\/em> time?”<\/p>\n

“Yes, a reason.” Sirius\u2019s eyes once again find the floor. “But no excuse.”<\/p>\n

“So help me, if you lie to me, I will kill you<\/em>.” James reaches for his wand and Remus is to him with one movement.<\/p>\n

There is a flailing of limbs and Remus holds James\u2019s wand. \u201cI’ll not have that here, in my house. You’ll talk, but I’ll bloody well keep your wand in my pocket.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius has fallen back on the couch, his eyes wide. His hand is rubbing his chest. “I’ll talk, James, just sit the fuck down.”<\/p>\n

Remus shoves James toward the chair and James, glaring at them both, takes his seat.<\/p>\n

“The first time was a favor. To me.”<\/p>\n

James snorts. “You were shagging half the school<\/em>. They were lining up<\/em> for you outside our fucking dorm<\/em>. You didn’t need her<\/em> favor.”<\/p>\n

Sirius\u2019s eyes flash. “Do you want to hear what I have to say or do you want to make sure you recount my past to me with every sentence I speak?”<\/p>\n

“I haven’t made up my mind that I even want to be<\/em> here, much less hear one goddamn word<\/em> that leaves your mouth.” James is up and pacing again.<\/p>\n

Sirius turns to Remus. “It won’t work. I was afraid this was a bad idea.”<\/p>\n

“Leaving you two out in the world as loose cannons is a bad idea. Two fully-trained wizards, Aurors, on the same assignments, at each other’s throats, is a bad idea. Don’t think there hasn’t been talk. And you, James, are still on probation for disappearing for a week.”<\/p>\n

James stops pacing and shoves his fists in his pockets. “A favor, then.” He narrows his eyes and looks out the window. A muscle in his jaw jumps.<\/p>\n

“A favor. I needed…” Sirius puts his head in his hands. “Ah, fuck.” He rocks back and forth. “That letter, James, wasn’t a love letter.”<\/p>\n

James snorts again. “You can say that again. You tied her up? What the fuck is wrong with you?”<\/p>\n

“James! Don’t…”<\/p>\n

“You’ve go to shut up<\/em> if…”<\/p>\n

“…interrupt him!”<\/p>\n

“…you want to hear this at all!” Both Remus and Sirius are standing.<\/p>\n

James throws his hands in the air and sits down again. Sirius sits and Remus moves back to the doorway.<\/p>\n

“I didn’t tie her up<\/em>. Who do you think I am?”<\/p>\n

James glares. “I know who you are. That\u2019s why I asked the question.”<\/p>\n

“James, do you really think Sirius would tie someone up?”<\/p>\n

James narrows his eyes and Sirius picks at his sleeve.<\/p>\n

Remus\u2019s eyes shift to the couch. “Sirius?”<\/p>\n

Sirius clears his throat. “I think…let’s get back to the…no<\/em>, James, I did not tie her up. She used the rope to make a circle on the ground around where we…that letter was a set of instructions. Instructions that Lily and I created together<\/em>.” His head shoots up. “This whole time…ever since…you’ve thought I tied her up?”<\/p>\n

“Bugger what I thought, Sirius.”<\/p>\n

“You’ve thought this whole time<\/em>…”<\/p>\n

“Bugger<\/em> what I thought! Why the hell did you, as you seem to be implying in the vast empty wasteland that passes for your explaining so far, need<\/em> to shag Lily?”<\/p>\n

Sirius winces. “I’m not…we didn’t shag. I needed her because…because…” His head drops to his hands again. “because I needed her…her…I needed the blood of a virgin.”<\/p>\n

James\u2019s jaw drops. Remus\u2019s shoulder slips off the edge of the doorway and he stumbles into the room.<\/p>\n

“The blood of a virgin taken in a very, very specific way. A way Lily only trusted herself to do correctly.”<\/p>\n

“Virgin’s blood is used in Dark magic. What. The fuck. Are you talking about?” James\u2019s face is pinched and he is shaking. Remus stares at Sirius as if he has just murdered a child in front of them.<\/p>\n

Sirius\u2019s head remains in his hands. “It’s not just Dark magic that calls for such things. There are other, older…I ran into my father that winter hols, if you recall. I told you that. I told you about how he…he…the things he said to me. Said about me.”<\/p>\n

“Make a connection fast or I’ll give James his wand back and move out of his way.” Remus\u2019s voice is filled with gravel.<\/p>\n

Sirius\u2019s head jerks up. “But I didn’t tell you everything. That wasn’t all. I turned to leave and he…” He stands up so fast Remus jumps. He pulls his shirt up and turns around. A scar like a black spider sprawls on his back.<\/p>\n

“So what? You got that when we were in the Forbidden Forest. Acromantula sting.”<\/p>\n

He lowers his shirt and turns around. “That’s what I told you.” He sits down again.<\/p>\n

“You spent the night in the infirmary!” Remus looks at James, who looks back at him.<\/p>\n

“I spent the night in the Charms classroom.”<\/p>\n

“Why would you lie<\/em> about something like that?”<\/p>\n

“He…he called me a filthy blood traitor, then he disowned me. Called all of you…well,” he runs his fingers through his hair. “That doesn’t matter. You never heard my father angry. His voice actually cuts your flesh; tiny cuts that accumulate slowly, then start to bleed. You’ve seen my house. It’s not like anyone can pretend my family aren’t Dark wizards. My father has a library. The books in there – most of them would land you in Azkaban for a lifetime, and that would be a lenient sentence. He had studied them his whole life. Could quote them to me, and did, when I misbehaved. Told me all the things he would do to me if I didn’t do what he wanted. Well, this time he did one of them. When I turned around, to leave, my father…cursed me.”<\/p>\n

Remus sinks slowly to the floor.<\/p>\n

“What was the curse?” James\u2019s eyes are still hard.<\/p>\n

“I didn’t know. I found a spot on my back that night. A small, black spot. The next morning it was bigger. And it kept growing. And with it came…as it got bigger…my mind was filled with thoughts, ideas. I couldn’t keep them out. At first, as they got stranger, I could tell that it wasn’t me. But as the spot grew, I couldn’t…couldn’t keep myself…I didn’t know they weren’t me anymore. I started to believe that I really thought those things, that they…that I…was thinking them. That I wanted to do them.”<\/p>\n

He looks at Remus, then at James. Nothing reflects from the grey depths, as if that spot had sucked all the light from him.<\/p>\n

Remus can barely open his mouth. “What were the thoughts?”<\/p>\n

Sirius closes his eyes. “At first it was smaller things, like shoving someone or…or jinxing them, or stuff that I would ordinarily do, anyway, and then they got more…strange…actually hurting someone, or…”<\/p>\n

“And then?”<\/p>\n

“And then, then it was torturing, killing, raping…and by then, that was when I couldn’t…”<\/p>\n

“Lily? You raped Lily?<\/em>” The veins in James\u2019s neck stand out like cords and he is half-way to his feet.<\/p>\n

But Remus leaps up and pushes him back. “Not Lily. What you did to Severus.”<\/p>\n

A sound like a groan rises from Sirius\u2019s throat. “Yes.”<\/p>\n

“Jesus.” Remus\u2019s eyes are riveted to Sirius. James leans against Remus and he, too, cannot take his eyes off Sirius. “If you had done those other things, you would have been sent to Azkaban for life.”<\/p>\n

Sirius\u2019s face is grim. “Don’t think my father didn’t know that.” He looks out the window. “By then…by the time I led Severus…the spot looked almost as it does now.”<\/p>\n

“But why didn’t you say<\/em> something to us? Why didn’t you come to us<\/em>?”<\/p>\n

“Because…the thoughts…were centered on both of you. Others, too, but mostly on you. And I couldn’t keep myself from acting on them…”<\/p>\n

Remus flinches.<\/p>\n

“Don’t you remember that month? How I wasn’t around so much? How I acted?”<\/p>\n

Remus nods. “You and Lily…” James tenses and Remus falls silent.<\/p>\n

“The thoughts involved her, as well, but she noticed something was strange. She asked me over and over what was wrong. I wouldn’t – couldn’t – tell her. I think that was part of the curse as well. I tried again and again to say what was happening but when I tried to talk, the screaming in my head drowned out everything else. I was – rough with her. Shoved her. But she kept coming back, asking, always asking.”<\/p>\n

“We stopped asking you…” Remus runs a hand down his face. “Sirius. We just let you drift away. How could we have done it?”<\/p>\n

“Yeah. Well. We’re guys.” Sirius looks at the floor.<\/p>\n

James falls back into the chair.<\/p>\n

“Guys,” Remus looks at Sirius, “who should have known better. I<\/em> should have known better.”<\/p>\n

“Lily did. She finally jinxed me – full body-bind curse – and ripped off my shirt. I guess I was touching the spot more and more as it grew. Well, after that, she sort of took over. Checked out every book in the restricted section on curses.”<\/p>\n

“I remember that. I thought she got extra work for Defense Against the Dark Arts. But why didn’t she<\/em> tell us?”<\/p>\n

Sirius\u2019s face falls. “I told her not to. I made her swear to secrecy.”<\/p>\n

“But why<\/em>?”<\/p>\n

“I don’t know. I don’t. It must have been the curse. When she found the curse in a book, she realized my father had changed it. Then she had to figure out what he had done.”<\/p>\n

James rises and stumbles to the letter. He picks it up and shakes it at Sirius. “This letter isn’t filled with hate, with ideas of torture and murder and rape!”<\/p>\n

Sirius eyes the letter as if it is a coiled snake. “There was still just a bit of me left. It took everything I had to write that letter. Every bit of will I had left went to helping Lily break the curse, to letting her know I was grateful. I pushed the letter into her bag during Charms. A few hours later, the curse grew again, and…I had no intention of going through with the counter-curse. I just wanted her to show up that night. The curse had won – I wanted to rape, torture, murder. I couldn’t wait to do them. I wanted to do them…to Lily.”<\/p>\n

The letter drops from James\u2019s hand.<\/p>\n

“But she knew that. When she showed up that night, I tried to…” There is not a single sound anywhere, as if the entire world had stopped. “…I tried to use Immobilis<\/em>. But she was too fast. She disarmed me and then she pointed her wand at me and said…something…and then there was a space, a tiny corner in my mind, where I could see her, hear her, where I could exist again. And she spoke to that tiny corner, and from that corner I was able to act, to do what I had to do.” He swallows.<\/p>\n

“Make love to her.” James is as still as Remus has ever seen him.<\/p>\n

“Yes. And she did something, before I took her, and while I was taking her, the whole time she was chanting and moving certain ways and making me move certain ways. And when I finally…she pulled away from me and took the blood that was on me, mixed with…” he eyes James “and she used that in the drawings that broke the curse. And the spot stopped growing. And the thoughts…the thoughts…I could tell they weren’t me.”<\/p>\n

James is pale.<\/p>\n

Remus looks ten years older. “Are the thoughts gone?”<\/p>\n

Sirius swallows. “No. No, Remus, they are not gone. But I can tell when they come up. I have mapped them, studied them; I know they aren\u2019t real.”<\/p>\n

James slams a fist against the arm of the chair. “But when I found the letter…at school…she didn’t tell me this. Any<\/em> of this. She allowed me to think that she had lied to me, that you had betrayed me, that…”<\/p>\n

“I made her make an Unbreakable Vow, James. She can’t tell you, or anyone, what happened. If anyone\u2026if anyone had found out what had happened to me, what Lily and I had done\u2026but that’s why she still has the letter. She can’t get rid of it unless one of us breaks the Vow.” Sirius looks at the floor again.<\/p>\n

“That’s why she asked you<\/em> to talk to James.”<\/p>\n

Sirius nods.<\/p>\n

James shakes his head. “You can’t break a Vow! You die!”<\/p>\n

“You can<\/em> break a Vow.” Sirius rubs his face. “It’s – Dark magic. Well, not Dark, really, but…I’ve never seen anything like it.”<\/p>\n

Remus narrows his eyes at Sirius and Sirius looks away.<\/p>\n

James shakes his head. “But someone must pay – you can’t just break<\/em> it.”<\/p>\n

“Someone does pay. The breaker pays. It’s just…” Sirius eyes are dull. “The breaker has to sacrifice something worth more to them than…”<\/p>\n

“Than what?”<\/p>\n

“The Vow knows what is most precious to you. You can’t go around it.”<\/p>\n

Remus breathes in, his eyes on Sirius.<\/p>\n

James pushes out his chin. “Are you going to do it?”<\/p>\n

“James, shut it. You can’t ask him that.”<\/p>\n

“I can, and I did. It’s my wife<\/em> we’re talking about here. Her life is tied to this thing. What if she gets taken by the Death Eaters? You can\u2019t think for one second they won\u2019t find this and use its threat of death against her, against us, against everyone she loves!”<\/p>\n

Sirius\u2019s head jerks up, his eyes on fire. “Listen to you! Taken by Death Eaters! A hundred thousand to one chance, given your secret-keeper safety, and against that chance you\u2019re asking for my freedom<\/em>, everything I love<\/em>?”<\/p>\n

James looks down. Then he is on his feet, the letter in his hands. \u201cLet\u2019s just get rid of the evidence of it then. Get rid of it once and for all!\u201d<\/p>\n

He shreds it, tears each piece to tiny fragments. When they leave his hands the letter reforms. He throws it at Remus. “Burn it.<\/em>“<\/p>\n

“Incendio<\/em>.” Blue flames shoot from the end of Remus\u2019s wand and engulf the parchment. It burns and twists, nothing but a black remnant. Remus lowers his wand and once again the parchment reforms. “Incendio!<\/em>” Red flames now. The creamy white parchment blinds him. “Incendio<\/em>!” Gold. “Incendio<\/em>!” Black. “Mother of us all.” He backs away from the letter. \u201cPut it back, James. Put it back <\/em>where you found it! The secret-keeper magic will keep it hidden.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius\u2019s head falls back into his hands.<\/p>\n

Remus looks daggers at James. “Why didn’t she tell Sirius<\/em> you had found the letter?”<\/p>\n

James slumps back in the chair. “I told her not to.”<\/p>\n

“But Lily was a big girl. Why didn’t she just tell me without telling you?” Sirius goes pale. “You…you…did you make her take an Unbreakable?”<\/p>\n

James\u2019s face is grim. “I did not. I trust”\u2014his eyes flick to Sirius\u2014”-ed Lily more than that. When I found it, I was pretty upset.”<\/p>\n

Remus clears his throat.<\/p>\n

“Sod off, Remus! What do you want from me?”<\/p>\n

“Were you just ‘pretty upset’ when I peeled you off the stool in that bar? I can only imagine what you must have felt back then.”<\/p>\n

“Dammit, Remus, I am not<\/em> going to talk about what you and I talked about in front of this git! I’m not going to do it!”<\/p>\n

“Even though that’s exactly what he just did? It’s called being honest, James.”<\/p>\n

“Honest and Sirius do not live in the same universe.”<\/p>\n

Sirius eyes James. “James, why didn’t you<\/em> tell me you had found the letter?”<\/p>\n

James moves in his chair. “This little interview isn’t about me, Sirius, it’s about you<\/em>. If you recall, there is another instance of you shagging my wife<\/em> to explain.”<\/p>\n

Remus pins James to the chair with his eyes. “James, why didn’t you tell Sirius what you had found out?”<\/p>\n

“This isn’t about me! This has nothing to do<\/em> with me! I’m<\/em> not the one jumping at his own shadow on assignments! I’m<\/em> not the one riding his bloody motorcycle all alone at night practically with a bloody target<\/em> painted on my chest! I’m<\/em> not the one drinking every night! And I’m not<\/em> the only one on probation!”<\/p>\n

Remus\u2019s head snaps to Sirius. “What’s he talking about?”<\/p>\n

Sirius squirms. “I – I might have accidently used one of the Unforgivable Curses.”<\/p>\n

“Might<\/em> have!” James\u2019s eyes bug. “Accidentally<\/em>? How do you ‘accidently’ use Crucio<\/em>?”<\/p>\n

“Crucio<\/em>? Who the bloody hell did you use that on?”<\/p>\n

“I thought it was a Death Eater – thought I had him cornered. He turned at me, wand pointed directly at my – my chest, I thought…well, bugger what I thought. I was wrong.”<\/p>\n

“Who was<\/em> it?”<\/p>\n

“Wormtail.”<\/p>\n

“Jesus Bloody Christ, Sirius. Peter<\/em>? How could you make<\/em> such a mistake?”<\/p>\n

“Someone sent an anonymous tip. Didn’t want to bring out the entire Ministry, in case it was fake, which, of course, it was. Nasty bit of work, though, for someone to set Peter up like that. Me, too. Scared the hell out of each other.”<\/p>\n

“You got an anonymous tip about a Death Eater and you went alone<\/em>?”<\/p>\n

Sirius waves his hand towards James. “This git was nowhere to be found.”<\/p>\n

James bristles. “Don’t you lay this at my<\/em> feet! This is just another bad decision in a series<\/em> of bad decisions!”<\/p>\n

“James, he has a point, although” Remus turns back to Sirius, “why you didn’t bring someone else<\/em> is a question to be explored. I can’t believe they only<\/em> put you on probation. Why didn’t you tell me about this?”<\/p>\n

Sirius sighs. “Yeah, that’s my biggest problem right now. I’m on probation.” He rolls his eyes.<\/p>\n

“That’s not<\/em> what I mean. When have you ever been so bloody stupid as to use an Unforgivable?”<\/p>\n

“Apparently, a week and three days ago.”<\/p>\n

“This is no time to be so bloody daft.”<\/p>\n

“You haven’t been out there. You don’t know what it’s like.”<\/p>\n

“I’m out there, Sirius,” Remus growls. “I just don’t have the protection from the Ministry and the Auror office that you do. I’m out there. On my own.”<\/p>\n

The two men glare at one another.<\/p>\n

James slams his hands down on the arms of his chair. “If we can all think for a moment here, we are here to talk to Sirius<\/em> about how spectacularly he has failed<\/em> at keeping his cock <\/em>in his pants<\/em>!”<\/p>\n

Remus\u2019s eyebrows lower and he pulls his lips back in a silent snarl. “This is not a punishment session for Sirius, James. This is an opportunity, one you had bloody well better take, to talk about what has happened. Sirius came here ready to talk, regardless of how hard he knew<\/em> it was going to be.”<\/p>\n

“Bully for fucking Sirius! I don’t see that I particularly owe him anything. In fact<\/em>, if anyone owes anyone anything<\/em>, I think it’s Sirius<\/em>. As far as I’m concerned, the harder this conversation is for him, the better<\/em>.” James\u2019s labored breathing fills the room.<\/p>\n

Remus narrows his eyes. “As you wish, James. As you bloody wish. But this isn’t going anywhere. Sirius shagged your wife, James. Twice. Once you walked in. You saw your wife, the only woman you have ever loved. . . “<\/p>\n

James\u2019s eyes go wide. “Stop.”<\/p>\n

“. . .with someone else, doing something that is the most intimate thing two people can do.”<\/p>\n

“Stop!”<\/p>\n

“And you saw her enjoying<\/em> it.”<\/p>\n

“Stop<\/em>!” James slides to the floor. His hands cover his face and as Remus watches his shoulders begin to shake. A low moan fills the space like smoke and then James is sobbing.<\/p>\n

Remus glances at the couch.<\/p>\n

Sirius is deathly pale and his fists are jammed into the cushion on either side of his body. “Merlin, Remus, was that…necessary?”<\/p>\n

“Shut the fuck up, Sirius! You bloody tool! I don’t need you feeling sorry for me<\/em>!”<\/p>\n

“I don’t, James, but no matter what’s happened, I don’t like to see you…”<\/p>\n

“Easy for you<\/em> to say!” James\u2019s head flies up. “Fucking easy<\/em> for you<\/em> to say! ‘No matter what’s happened.’ You haven’t lived with what I’ve lived with for so fucking long<\/em>!”<\/p>\n

“You have no idea<\/em> what I’ve lived with! And if I didn’t know what you were living with, who the hell’s fault is that<\/em>?” Sirius is on his feet, his hair falling around his face, his eyes twin dark stars. “No one Imperiused you and forced<\/em> you not to talk to me! No one forced<\/em> you to hold this in all these years! You bloody bastard! If you’ve suffered in silence, it’s your own bloody fault<\/em>!”<\/p>\n

“Fuck you, Sirius<\/em>! I didn’t want<\/em> to talk to you about it! I didn’t want<\/em> you to feel better! Because you fucking had everything<\/em>! You had every girl you ever wanted, you were rich” –James stands up, his face livid– “you led us around by the fucking nose<\/em> – ‘James, I’m bored. James, I’m hungry. James, let’s go hex someone.’ You had everything and you weren’t getting Lily<\/em>, too! I wanted you to burn with it! I wanted it to stab you through the heart every single day for the rest of your goddamn miserable life<\/em>!”<\/p>\n

Remus is holding James back. Sirius\u2019s eyes are wide and he sinks back onto the couch.<\/p>\n

“And now, now<\/em> you’ve done it again<\/em>, you unbelievably fucked-up bastard<\/em>!”<\/p>\n

Sirius cannot look away from the man raging before him.<\/p>\n

Remus holds James tighter. James tries to throw him off but Remus sticks to him, mirroring his movements, until both men are panting.<\/p>\n

“Let go<\/em>!” James twists once more and Remus\u2019s hold breaks. James picks up his glass and fires it at Sirius. It shatters against his chest. James grabs his coat and yanks his wand from Remus\u2019s pocket. “Don’t. Fucking<\/em>. Follow me<\/em>.”<\/p>\n

Remus flinches as the door slams. Sirius sits where he fell, his hands empty before him, his eyes a wasteland.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n


\n<\/strong><\/p>\n

Me<\/h2>\n

James flies low over the field. The cold night air frosts his face and hands. His fingers claw the broom, cramped into one shape after so many hours of flying. He rockets skyward, throwing himself against the wind, his fingers creaking with effort to hold on. They begin to slip and he laughs, high and wild.<\/p>\n

The cottage below is hidden from sight by the trees surrounding it and the ravine within which it sits, but he can feel its presence. No beautifully muted lit windows, to be sure, but she wouldn’t want them. Or need them. The Muggles have a saying – Guilding the<\/em>…he shoves his broom down.<\/p>\n

He hits ground hard and rolls over and over. He comes to rest near an ash tree whose branches reach skeleton fingers to the sky, trapping the moon. His mouth fills with the taste of copper and iron and when he reaches up to touch his face, he pulls back fingers black in the wan moonlight.<\/p>\n

He stands and drags the broom behind him, slipping down the side of the ravine, laughing when he slides and small avalanches of rocks clatter out from under his feet. The door opens before he is half-way down and, although he can still see the cottage, he stumbles into what feels like a brick wall. A sticky brick wall – when he tries to move, he finds he cannot, regardless of how much blood is now running down his chin.<\/p>\n

“Who’s about?” Her voice is sharp.<\/p>\n

“It’s me, Meliae. James Potter.”<\/p>\n

The door opens wider and the curvaceous outline of a woman forms in the golden light now spilling forth on the ground before him. He hears her breathe out and something hot and sharp envelops him, then dissipates. “James Potter.”<\/p>\n

“Can I come in or do you expect me to stand out here all bloody night?”<\/p>\n

“I’m debating.”<\/p>\n

“Can you debate while I warm up at your fire?”<\/p>\n

“No.”<\/p>\n

The door closes but the brick wall disappears. James falls the rest of the way down the ravine. He lays still for a moment, looking up at the stars, then stands. He takes a half-step forward, stops, takes a half-step back. “It’s bloody cold out here, Meliae!”<\/p>\n

The door flies open again but no figure fills it. “Come in<\/em>, then, ass.”<\/p>\n

“Such a welcome.” But he mutters it under his breath as he approaches the door and the warmth promised within.<\/p>\n

The door slams behind him as soon as he crosses the threshold and he startles. “Dammit, Meliae, there’s no call for that.” He drops his broom on the floor but immediately bends to pick it up, placing it in the corner next to the door. The warmth promised sneaks through his clothes. A tidy fire burns in a hearth built of stone. A small sofa and wooden rocking chair sit on either side of a low table covered with dried branches, which form the beginnings of a basket. Gingham curtains hang on the windows and pictures of various plants and trees hang on the walls. A thick rug lies from couch to hearth.<\/p>\n

A slender woman enters the room. “I’ll thank you for such a small nicety.” Her voice slices through him as she points to his broom. “You’re a sight.” She snaps her fingers and his nose resets itself. The blood vanishes from his face, hands, and clothes.<\/p>\n

“Look, I need your help, so maybe we can just suck it up for a bit.” He runs his fingers through his hair but before they reach the end of his skull he feels…he yelps. Live serpents twine about his ears, hissing into the air around him. “Meliae!”<\/p>\n

She flicks her fingers, her mouth curving into a smile. “Welcome, James, to my humble abode.” She bows with a flourish and sweeps her hand to a small table just visible through a doorway to the right of the hearth. Bright copper cauldrons of several sizes and silver pans dangle from a metal circle hanging from the ceiling and the same gingham curtains adorn the windows of the small kitchen. Another fire burns in the cast iron stove and as James moves past her, his eyes on her, he catches the scent of something brewing.<\/p>\n

He sits in a chair and runs his fingers over the aged wood of the table, burnished to a deep luster. Two cups sit before him. He frowns. “Expecting somebody?”<\/p>\n

Meliae sweeps in behind him and gathers the cups. “That would be none of your business.” She deposits them in the sink and turns to face him, her hands resting on the edge of the counter.<\/p>\n

James\u2019s eyes travel her length, from her long, blonde hair to her tiny feet, and finally rest on her strange, orange eyes. “I really do need your help.”<\/p>\n

“And I really haven’t decided whether or not I’m willing to give it.”<\/p>\n

James blows out a breath. “I know we haven\u2019t exactly – gotten along – since we…”<\/p>\n

“If that’s what you can call open hatred.”<\/p>\n

“I don’t hate<\/em> you, Meliae. I never have. Well, not really. But you made it difficult not to when Lily came along.”<\/p>\n

“Well. What a heart-warming disclosure. Really, it’s amazing to me the women weren’t lined up to marry you, given your gift for conversation and your ability to reveal yourself to such depths.”<\/p>\n

James\u2019s face pales. “Can you just…can you keep it reigned in for a bit?”<\/p>\n

Meliae crosses her arms and rolls her orange eyes. “Make this quick.” She gestures to the cups in the sink.<\/p>\n

“Sirius…” He presses his lips together in a firm line. “I walked in. On Sirius and Lily. Together.”<\/p>\n

“Oh, you didn’t<\/em>.” Her mouth twitches.<\/p>\n

James stands, knocking his chair over backwards. He moves toward the door but Meliae scampers around him, blocking his path.<\/p>\n

“Stop where you are. Sit down.”<\/p>\n

“I can’t play cat and mouse. Not tonight.”<\/p>\n

She moves her eyes over him. “No. You can’t.” She points back to the kitchen. “But you have come here and destroyed my peace and leaving so quickly will not restore it. As you know, the price must be paid before you can walk through that door.”<\/p>\n

James towers over her but turns back to the kitchen. She follows him and waves her hands. A kettle jumps onto the stove and water flies from a bucket into it. She nods her head at a cabinet and it opens. She flicks her fingers and several glass jars full of different dried plants jump down onto the counter.<\/p>\n

“I think, in this case…” One jar jumps back and another takes its place. She sticks out her tongue and her brow furrows. “No, no, not quite…” One more jar flies back up to the cupboard. She turns to James. “No speaking of it until you have had tea<\/em>.”<\/p>\n

James eyes the jars on the counter. “What kind of tea?”<\/p>\n

Meliae smiles but her eyes are hard. “That is not of your asking.” She pushes her hair back, revealing small, pointed ears. She hums to herself while the water heats. She pulls one teacup out of the sink and puts it on the counter, filling it with different amounts from each jar. When the water boils she picks up the copper kettle without a mitt and pours water directly into the cup.<\/p>\n

The steam rises in curls and wisps and…James narrows his eyes. “Are those arrows?”<\/p>\n

“Spears.”<\/p>\n

“Why are you making me a tea that sends out spears?”<\/p>\n

“Because you are in a battle.”<\/p>\n

“Everyone knows that. I’m in hiding. I don’t think steam spears are going to help me.”<\/p>\n

“In violence this man is born, in violence this boy will die. Some need such a transition.” She sighs.<\/p>\n

“Well, that’s<\/em> comforting. I’m so glad I came.”<\/p>\n

“For someone who says they need my help…”<\/p>\n

“OK, OK, I’ll stop.” He throws up his hands.<\/p>\n

She turns to him and her eyes meet his. “I can’t do everything, you know. I can clear the path, but it is you who must walk down it.”<\/p>\n

“What path?”<\/p>\n

“The path you came crazy here to clear.”<\/p>\n

“I didn’t come here to…whatever you said. I came here to get you to help me teach Sirius a lesson.”<\/p>\n

She narrows her eyes.<\/p>\n

Electricity crackles up his spine and explodes through the top of his head; his fingertips tingle. He notices, not for the first time, that her pupils are slitted like a cat’s.<\/p>\n

“I’ll not be teaching anyone a lesson who’s not in my kitchen.”<\/p>\n

“You have to be just as upset as I am! He\u2019s your lover! And he shagged another woman!” His hands jerk and he pales.<\/p>\n

She is completely still. “You can’t know everything, James. There are many roads and not all reach the destinations you wish them to reach. Walk them in the dark or in the light. Sirius walks in the light and there will come a time when darkness will cover him completely and he will need to grasp whatever light he can. But that is between Sirius and me. You are nothing but a blundering idiot, following every thread in the fabric and tracing it back to yourself. You are in the dark and you take it for light. In the light you have more of a chance of getting somewhere<\/em>.” She hisses the last words and a deep, blood red pulses through her hair, from roots to tips, before fading away.<\/p>\n

James jumps. “I – I’m sorry, Meliae. I didn’t mean to…”<\/p>\n

“Did. Can’t help it. It’s your fucking nature<\/em>.”<\/p>\n

His breath catches in his throat and his head drops to his chest. “Lately Sirius is shagging every beautiful woman he can.”<\/p>\n

She turns and glares at him. “I\u2019d say I know Sirius better than you.\u201d She crosses her arms. \u201cBesides, I could have said the same of you all those years ago.”<\/p>\n

He blinks and she is sixteen. His face turns warm. “Yes. Well. That was a…bad time in my life.”<\/p>\n

“I see. And Sirius is just bad<\/em>.”<\/p>\n

“Well, look at what he’s done!”<\/p>\n

“Well, look at what you<\/em> did! Then there was her. That’s the end.”<\/p>\n

“I’m not here to talk about that. Are you going to help me or are you going to throw your useless word puzzles at me all evening? I’m here to talk about Sirius, your boyfriend, and Lily, my wife.”<\/p>\n

“Those words, James, are old and hold nothing. There are fresh words for you and you cannot catch them. This is why you have come. I can see them, swimming, swimming, but you are guiding the flow away and they cannot reach the shore. Bright fish are needy. Better to be brown and dull. But you never do listen.”<\/p>\n

James\u2019s eyebrows have disappeared in his fringe. “What the fuck are you talking about?”<\/p>\n

She places the teacup before him. “Drink your tea.”<\/p>\n

He sips slowly. The leaves swirl against his lips and he swears some of them move of their own accord.<\/p>\n

When he has finished she whisks his cup away and settles across from him, a bright bird perched on its favourite branch. “Tell me your words.”<\/p>\n

He leans back in his chair. His blood pounds in his ears and he can’t seem to bring her into focus. “I’ll not talk when you’ve bewitched me somehow.”<\/p>\n

She leans forward. “Talk.”<\/p>\n

James pushes himself away from the table but the chair doesn’t move. He pushes himself away. The chair stays where it is. “M-Meliae.”<\/p>\n

She smiles. “Yes, that’s who I am. Who are you?”<\/p>\n

“James P-Potter.”<\/p>\n

“And who were you?”<\/p>\n

“I was…walking…and then there was a door…”<\/p>\n

“Good. Keep going.”<\/p>\n

“I opened the door…”<\/p>\n

“Very sensible.”<\/p>\n

“There is a jacket…on the floor…and a vase…and my flower…but it’s crushed…I can’t see it and the vase is broken…”<\/p>\n

“You make everything personal. Move on.”<\/p>\n

“And I hear something…and I turn…and Lily…my Lily…”<\/p>\n

“She is not yours.”<\/p>\n

James writhes in his seat. “Is…is mine…and Sirius…and Sirius is there…and the vase is broken…and I move my wand…but they don’t hear me…their ears are closed…and he is above and she is below him…and she makes that sound…my sound…and I say his name…and then he is bleeding…”<\/p>\n

“Why is he bleeding?”<\/p>\n

“I…I…I did that…”<\/p>\n

“You did what?”<\/p>\n

“I…did that…and then he leaves…”<\/p>\n

“What did you do to him?”<\/p>\n

“I…cursed him…”<\/p>\n

Meliae crushes the cup between her hands. Shards drop to the table top. “You cursed him. These are the old<\/em> words. Why did you do that? Say the new words.” She picks one up and, walking around the table, moves her fingers in a complicated dance. The shard hovers above his foot, forming a red spot on his shoe. His groans grow in intensity and she slams it into his foot.<\/p>\n

Tears flood down James\u2019s face and his mouth is stretched wide but no sound issues forth.<\/p>\n

She nods her head, heading back to her chair. She picks up another shard and, with one swift motion, buries it in the back of James\u2019s hand.<\/p>\n

His mouth opens wide but still no sound. He twists his hand back and forth and she slams her own hand against the shard again, driving it through until, when she flips his hand over, its sharp point glows white and red in his palm.<\/p>\n

He throws himself into the back of the chair and groans. He falls, his body flailing. His other hand gropes for the shards but cannot find them.<\/p>\n

Meliae spins a third shard in her fingers. “New words.”<\/p>\n

James twists on the floor and his hands find his throat, glazing it with blood. “I can’t let it go! It’s there the letter and him and her and it’s grown behind my eyes and I can’t see around it! And I see them on the floor behind my eyelids I can’t get away! It is killing me and I swallow my tongue and smile, and smile, and smile and I’m the nice guy that gets hurt, always me, always me! Oh Merlin why does it hurt so much? How can I make it stop?”<\/p>\n

“Boy.” Meliae moves like smoke and then she is kneeling above him. “You speak the shiny fish.” She drives the third shard into his chest.<\/p>\n

“I go out and I close my eyes and I come home and I cannot open my eyes here behind my eyes it lives and its fangs are in her and she bleeds and I know that and I can’t stop it and it hurts her I don’t move toward her I move away, always away, leaving her there, and I can’t stop it stop it stop it! Stop it stop it! She is reaching for me and I am turning away, away, always away<\/em>!”<\/p>\n

James is screaming now and Meliae kneels on his chest, presses his shoulders to the floor. “This shadow in me! This shadow knows how to hurt them and I don’t want to hurt them but then I’m doing it, it’s happening, and I can’t stop it<\/em>!” He grinds his teeth. “It goes on and on and on and on!”<\/em><\/p>\n

His blood is slippery on the floor and Meliae’s eyes follow it as it pools beneath his body. She moves closer to his face, her eyes slits, her lips pressed together. She pushes the shard in his chest once, hard.<\/p>\n

“I rip and tear and they bleed but it’s me that bleeds, me that hurts, and I can’t stop doing it! And they pay for my fear, my sorrow, my anger, my pain, they pay for me, and I don’t know how to pay for myself! Sirius my friend, my friend, you are hurt and I am hurt and why can’t I bring us together<\/em>?”<\/p>\n

She sits up. “One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, seven, seven, seven, seven, seven, seven.” She turns and yanks the shard from his foot and throws it backwards over her shoulder.<\/p>\n

“Lily! I am dying, Lily, dying, help me, help me, I can’t go on like this, I can’t do it, Lily my love! I am so, so sorry! Lily, I love you please, please, help me, help me, help me stop this hardening, stop this man who is not me, help me find my way back, back to you, back to me, back to the man I want to be!<\/em>“<\/p>\n

“One, two, three, three, three.” She yanks the shard from his hand and throws it forward into the living room.<\/p>\n

“I need help, I need help, I can’t do this myself, it isn’t working, not working, not working, I am going to go crazy, crazy, crazy.<\/em>” His body convulses, his face a white rictus, and she presses down against his chest, blood welling from between her hands. “It’s in me, in my chest, this crazy, this rage, I am so angry, all the time, at everything, everyone, I can’t do it, do it, do it, I need Lily, I need Remus, I need Sirius, I need Peter, I need Albus, I need, I need, I need, I need not to be so afraid, so afraid, so afraid!<\/em>” His body bucks and twists beneath her hands.<\/p>\n

Her eyes bore into his and his screams turn to shrieks. She presses his throat and the sound solidifies, pushes against the walls until they bow outward. The cabinet doors fly open and the glass jars shatter. The cauldrons and pans crash to the floor.<\/p>\n

“One.” She takes the shard from his chest and swallows it.<\/p>\n

James stills instantly. His eyes close and his breathing evens out.<\/p>\n

Meliae runs her hands over his body and the wounds close. “Man.” Her fingers trace his face, his cheekbones, the curve of his lips, down his throat, across his chest, her eyes focused, as if memorizing him.<\/p>\n

She rises and waves her hands at the jars, the cauldrons and pans. They reassemble themselves. She sighs and rubs her back, looks at James, then heads through the doorway to the tiny bedroom beyond.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n


\n<\/strong><\/p>\n

Love Is a Kind of Knowing<\/h2>\n

The bowl is in flight when she turns, and it is only at the last possible second that she manages to flip her wand. The bowl freezes in space but the contents splatter across the floor. Chubby hands wave and clap and the baby laughs, eyes wide.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou think that\u2019s pretty funny, do you?\u201d Her mouth curves upwards. \u201cI guess you do, given how many times a day you do it.\u201d She scoops the bowl into her hands and points her wand at the floor. Mashed peaches fly in glops to the trash.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, there\u2019s no better way to tell you\u2019re done than when you start playing with your food.\u201d She unlatches the tray and lifts Harry out, hooking him on her hip and turning towards the counter.<\/p>\n

A sound in the corridor outside the flat turns the baby\u2019s head. \u201cDadadadadadada?\u201d<\/p>\n

Lily presses her lips together and leans against the counter. \u201cNo, darling, Daddy is away; he\u2019s working. He\u2019ll be back as soon as he can.\u201d Her voice chimes and shimmers but her eyes fill.<\/p>\n

The door opens silently and she hits the floor. The tile is cruel to her knees. She shoves the baby behind her and her wand is a dagger in space. \u201cImpedimentia!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Remus freezes.<\/p>\n

Another wave and the door slams shut. \u201cWhat do you see in a Boggart?\u201d<\/p>\n

He does not move. She slices the air with the tip of her wand and his face is freed. \u201cA full moon. What did you last say to me?\u201d<\/p>\n

She lowers her wand and picks up the baby, who has been clutching her feet. \u201cIf I recall, I told you to fuck off.\u201d She flicks her wand.<\/p>\n

Remus falls forward and catches himself on the small table behind the couch. \u201cIt was \u2018I hate you,\u2019 not \u2018fuck off.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah. Well. I was angry.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLots of that going around.\u201d<\/p>\n

She turns to the bags still on the counter. She waves her wand and the cans and jars fly upwards to join their mates in the cabinets. \u201cI suppose you\u2019d like to berate me again for my inability to \u2013 what was it? Take responsibility for myself?\u201d The cabinet doors slam shut.<\/p>\n

Remus stands still in the tiny entryway, holding his jacket. \u201cNo, Lily.\u201d He sighs. \u201cNo. Look. I\u2019m sorry I got so angry. I said some things \u2013 well, they were unacceptable. I\u2019m sorry. And I miss you. And really, I truly do love you. I know you\u2019re hurting about all of this. Can you forgive me?\u201d<\/p>\n

She turns to him. \u201cOh, God, Remus. Of course.\u201d She moves around the counter and takes his hands in hers. \u201cRemus, why are you still friends with me at all?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, I suppose I like to know at least one person who doesn\u2019t think his wand is an extension of his manhood.\u201d<\/p>\n

She smiles. \u201cYou hungry?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAlways.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m making stir-fry because it\u2019s easy and you\u2019re welcome to as much of it as you can eat.\u201d<\/p>\n

He walks around the counter into the kitchen, dropping his jacket on the couch. He picks up and puts down, in turn, five bok choy, two cans of water chestnuts, a big bunch of green onion, a whole bag of mushrooms, garlic, ginger, a dozen eggs. He glances at the stove where he sees the larger of the two woks. \u201cYou weren\u2019t kidding about eating as much as I want.\u201d<\/p>\n

Lily\u2019s hands shake as she points her wand at the paper bags, which fold and stow themselves under the sink. She picks Harry up and hands him to Remus.<\/p>\n

He takes him, holding him far above him, laughing as the tiny fists whirl and squeals echo off the walls. He tucks Harry onto his hip and chubby fingers pull his long, golden hair. \u201cOuch! When did he start doing this?\u201d He untangles his hair and holds Harry away from him, a look of mock sternness on his face.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen didn\u2019t<\/em> he do that? Honestly. Men. Don\u2019t notice a thing.\u201d <\/em>She takes out a knife and begins chopping the bok choy.<\/p>\n

Remus holds the baby out to her. \u201cYou\u2019re going to lose a finger any second.\u201d<\/p>\n

She lets the knife fall, where it clatters on the countertop. She buries her face in her hands.<\/p>\n

Remus sets Harry on the floor where he scoots over to the couch, pulling Remus\u2019s jacket down on top of himself.<\/p>\n

Remus presses his hands to Lily\u2019s shoulders.<\/p>\n

She turns to him and he wraps his arms around her and holds her while she sobs. \u201cR-Remus, he hasn\u2019t been home.<\/em> Never while I\u2019ve <\/em>been here. <\/em>I leave Harry with James\u2019s mum to go out with you or Albus and when I get back, he\u2019s been here to see Harry and he\u2019s taken something, or moved something, but there\u2019s never even a note.<\/em> And I k-keep hoping\u201d– she waves a hand at the ingredients — \u201cthat he\u2019ll walk through the door, but he d-doesn\u2019t and I\u2019m th-thinking he never w-will.\u201d <\/em><\/p>\n

He kisses the top of her head.<\/p>\n

\u201cI c-can\u2019t keep going on, being a single parent, and I know that you\u2019ve been here lots of nights but a b-baby needs his f-father.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cAnd a wife needs her husband.\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus\u2019s jacket makes its way into the kitchen, where it begins crawling up his leg. Remus picks the bundle up, swinging it back and forth.<\/p>\n

A muffled shriek comes from his arms. \u201cM! M! M!\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus smiles. \u201cThe word is \u2018more,\u2019 imp.\u201d He swings Harry again before handing him to his mother.<\/p>\n

Lily takes the baby to the living room and cuddles him, bringing his head down to nurse. Remus tumbles the mushrooms into a sieve and rinses them in the sink. Lily stands up slowly and tiptoes to the bedroom. She returns and pulls the doors almost shut. \u201cMuffliato.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

She joins him at the kitchen counter. \u201cI\u2019m no wife,<\/em> Remus, you pointed that out perfectly clearly at the caf\u00e9.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s not what I pointed out.\u201d<\/p>\n

She spins away from him and presses her palms on the counter. \u201cI\u2019ve thought a lot about what you said.\u201d She stands so still he can follow the weave of the sweater she is wearing. \u201cI see that I \u2013 that I \u2013” the weave blurs and she turns once again to him. \u201cRemus, I can see what you\u2019re saying. All of it. But what difference does that make? Nothing is going to make any difference here at all. I could tell James everything I see, but how could that possibly erase\u201d\u2014she points and moves her hand, as if scrubbing something filthy\u2014\u201cwhat occurred right there? On that floor?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNothing will erase what happened. Nothing. But that isn\u2019t the question here. You won\u2019t be able to avoid this and stuff your emotions down around it the way you can when he doesn\u2019t talk to you or any of the other things you listed out to me. The fact is, you painted yourself into a tight little corner and you are going to have to wade right into the center of it if you want to get through it. The operative word being through.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cIt sounds like you\u2019re saying I need to make <\/em>myself miserable!\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus does not break eye contact. \u201cHow do you feel right now?\u201d<\/p>\n

Tears trace silver tracks down her cheeks, and he brings her to him again and holds her tight. \u201cThere is just so much to talk about, Remus, so much. <\/em>And I can\u2019t do it. <\/em>Not like you think.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know about the Vow.\u201d<\/p>\n

She breaks away from him, her face ashen.<\/p>\n

\u201cSirius told us yesterday.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201c\u2018Us?\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJames and I.\u201d<\/p>\n

Her face is suffused with light. \u201cJames? He told James?\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus smoothes her hair away from her face. \u201cAnother thing for me to apologize to you for. And yes, James knows. About the first time.\u201d<\/p>\n

Lily grabs Remus\u2019s hands. \u201cAnd he understands?\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus looks down. \u201cThere is a lot between James and Sirius at the moment. I don\u2019t think James understands much right now.\u201d<\/p>\n

Lily\u2019s face falls.<\/p>\n

\u201cBut that doesn\u2019t mean he won\u2019t. <\/em>I think he needs time.\u201d<\/p>\n

Lily pulls her hands free and turns away. \u201cHow much <\/em>time? How much longer is he going to be gone? Remus, I don\u2019t think I can do this much longer…where is he?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, he\u2019s safe.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut where? \u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Remus shifts his weight. \u201cI don\u2019t know, really, but he\u2019s…\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou don\u2019t know? <\/em>He\u2019s out there on his own?<\/em> \u201d<\/p>\n

Remus sighs. \u201cWhen is James ever on his own these days?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDoes Albus still have the Trace on him?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n

She slumps. \u201cOh thank Merlin.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Remus picks up the knife and makes short work of the vegetables.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhere did you learn to chop so well?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, sometimes you don\u2019t want everything going so <\/em>quickly.\u201d His voice is light but she can see his muscles bunch under his shirt.<\/p>\n

\u201cRemus, how much time do you spend alone?\u201d<\/p>\n

He checks the heat of the oil before throwing everything into the wok. He pours rice into a pot, adds water, and turns on another burner. For a time there is only the sound of vegetables frying and water boiling.<\/p>\n

She moves next to him, leaning against him. \u201cRemus…\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus moves to one of the cupboards and pulls out two plates and two forks. Lily sighs and sets two placemats on the small table in the space between the living room and the kitchen that has carved the name \u201cdining room\u201d for itself only by virtue of the fact that the table sits in it and is not, technically, in either of the other two spaces. Remus dishes up food and carries the plates to the table.<\/p>\n

Lily sinks down opposite him. \u201cYou can\u2019t avoid my questions forever.\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus tastes his and picks up the salt. \u201cLily, why do you want to know these things? So you can feel sorry for me? So you can, Merlin forbid, try to fix me up with someone?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNone of the above. You carry a particularly heavy heart and I get the feeling there aren\u2019t that many people you can talk to about it. If I had to guess, given your past performances, you\u2019ve spent the better part of the last weeks talking to James and Sirius about James and Sirius.\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus smiles and raises his hands, palms toward her. \u201cGuilty as charged.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s not funny, Remus.\u201d<\/p>\n

He chews and swallows. \u201cLily, if I wanted to talk about it, don\u2019t you think I would? Especially with you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut who do <\/em>you talk to?\u201d<\/p>\n

He crams more food into his mouth.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou will, eventually, have to swallow.\u201d She crosses her arms.<\/p>\n

His jaw moves slower and slower.<\/p>\n

\u201cRemus!\u201d<\/p>\n

He swallows.<\/p>\n

Lily settles in and leans forward. \u201cThe witch I saw you with last month. What became of her?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMarried.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cRemus!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cNo, nothing like that. She\u2019s the wife of someone James works with. Just ran into her.\u201d<\/p>\n

Lily frowns. \u201cI didn\u2019t recognize her.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, well, with the spell damage…\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMerlin.\u201d<\/p>\n

They both sit, forks resting on plates.<\/p>\n

Lily shakes her head. \u201cWhat of the other women I\u2019ve seen you with?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat other women?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, there was…didn\u2019t I see you with…Remus, have you dated anyone since school?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Remus shifts in his chair. \u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy not?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Remus presses his rice down with the tines of his fork. The white grains crowd together before giving up their outlines and blurring into one another. \u201cI\u2019m not so…good at relationships.\u201d<\/p>\n

Lily scoffs. \u201cYou are one of the most articulate men I know. You are able to have a conversation, you can…\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s not what I mean.\u201d His eyes have not left his plate and his rice is now all one piece.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do you mean, then?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m not good at the things that go along with a relationship.\u201d Remus shifts again. He lays his fork down across the plate. \u201cI\u2019m a werewolf, Lily.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, Remus, I know that.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou do but you don\u2019t. Not really. You don\u2019t know what it feels like, inside. What goes through my head.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt can\u2019t be so very different from what goes through everyone else\u2019s head. You are, after all, still human.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

The ghost of a smile crosses his face. \u201cYes, I\u2019m still human. Or at least, part <\/em>human. But I am also part Dark creature. And that part…well, it\u2019s not always so nice.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know what it was like for you during school. I remember James telling me about being with you during the full moon.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat was James. <\/em>And that was when I was fully transformed. No, Lily, it isn\u2019t just during those times that I can be dangerous. Even when I\u2019m…even when the moon is new there is still a part of me that is Dark. And that part gets harder to control the more out <\/em>of control I am.\u201d<\/p>\n

Lily tilts her head. \u201cIs that why you never drink with us?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo when you drink, you get more…what?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cViolent.\u201d<\/p>\n

Her eyes widen. \u201cAnd when you get angry or…or when…\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAny strong emotion makes it harder to be, as you put it, human.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd what happens when you\u2019re attracted…\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus stands and picks up his plate. \u201cAre you finished?\u201d<\/p>\n

She pushes her plate to him and he stacks them, placing the forks on top. \u201cWhat happens when you\u2019re attracted to someone?\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus sighs. \u201cI think you remember the girl I dated seventh year.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI do.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPerhaps you remember we broke up rather suddenly.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, she transferred to Beauxbatons. Wasn\u2019t much to be done.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes. It was a good story, no? Albus thought of it\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAlbus?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cYes. Because no one could know the real reason.\u201d He turns, plates balanced on one hand. A fork clatters to the tiles.<\/p>\n

Lily picks it up and puts it back on the plate, then puts both hands on his shoulders. \u201cWhat happened?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe were kissing, fooling around, the way kids do. Merlin, Lily, we were just kids!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

She smoothes her hands over his shoulders.<\/p>\n

\u201cI \u2013 pushed myself too far.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat happened.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

He walks to the sink and puts the plates in. \u201cI bit her.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, everyone can be rough sometimes. Sometimes you want <\/em>to…\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLily, I bit <\/em>her. Hard.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cRemus, it had to be an accident.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, it was. Mine. For ever even trying. But it wasn\u2019t an accident that it happened.\u201d He walks back to the table, picks up the glasses.<\/p>\n

Lily trails after him. \u201cRemus, I know <\/em>you. I know you wouldn\u2019t deliberately hurt anyone. You can\u2019t use one little incident to keep yourself from ever being happy.\u201d<\/p>\n

He puts the glasses in the sink and presses his palms against the edge. \u201cLily, when are you going to stop making excuses for me? I bit <\/em>her. I tore her throat open. She nearly bled to death. Albus himself did the Memory charm to keep me out of Azkaban.\u201d<\/p>\n

Her eyes are huge. \u201cShe nearly bled. . . Azkaban?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cAnd then I realized that some things weren\u2019t in the cards for me. Ever.\u201d He turns to face her. \u201cDo you know how hard it is to try and look at every thought in your head, every action, and try to figure out where it\u2019s coming from? Try to figure out if you\u2019re about to do it again, hurt someone you love, because there is this thing <\/em>in you? It\u2019s every second, Lily \u2013 every second of every day, for the rest of my life. There is no time to relax, to sit back, to just close my eyes. I do that and a girl is torn apart \u2013 a friend wears a bruise of my making \u2013 I squeeze your wrist too hard \u2013 any number of a countless number of \u2018little slips,\u2019 or big ones, and I have one more memory I cannot bear.<\/p>\n

\u201cSo you can imagine how hard it is for me to keep hearing you ask me to do something I know I can never, ever do. Do you think I don\u2019t want <\/em>to be with someone? Do you think I\u2019m never attracted <\/em>to anyone? Because I am. I am. <\/em>And it\u2019s my own personal hell to keep them safe by leaving them alone.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cRemus, I never…\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know, you never knew. Well, now you know.\u201d He runs his hands down his face.<\/p>\n

\u201cRemus, they are working on potions at the Ministry for werewolves. James spoke of it recently. Didn\u2019t he tell you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOf course he did. In fact, they asked me \u2013 Severus <\/em>asked me \u2013 if I wished to be a…how did he put it?\u201d He looks up at the ceiling. \u201cAh yes. A \u2018test subject.\u2019 I said no.\u201d His eyes trail down to the sink.<\/p>\n

\u201cBut why? <\/em>What if it works?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat if it doesn\u2019t?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Lily frowns, then looks down. \u201cOh.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI had changed my mind, though. After a few…more experiences. Some despair mixed in.\u201d He moves to his coat and takes out Dumbledore\u2019s crumpled letter, handing it to Lily.<\/p>\n

She opens it and reads. The letter falls to her side. \u201cOh, Remus.\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus turns on the water and plugs the sink. He stands still and watches the level rise.<\/p>\n

Lily touches his hand and raises her wand.<\/p>\n

He pushes it aside. He points his wand at the rising water and soap dribbles out. Bubbles form and he slides his hands into them.<\/p>\n

\u201cRemus…\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThank you. For staying here with me so often.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh. You\u2019re welcome.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWill you keep doing it?\u201d<\/p>\n

He washes a fork, scrubbing it over and over with a sponge.<\/p>\n

\u201cRemus, I need help. I need you to stay with Harry tomorrow while Albus takes me to the market.\u201d<\/p>\n

His eyes travel to the cabinets, filled with food she has just put away. \u201cLily…I\u2019d understand if…\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cCan I count on you or not?\u201d<\/p>\n

He looks down at the fork in his hand, the corners of his mouth turning up, the tines swimming in his vision.<\/p>\n

She takes a towel from a drawer and stands next to him, awaiting the first clean dish.<\/p>\n


\n<\/strong><\/p>\n

And You<\/h2>\n

A light moving up and down; someone walking. Clouds cover the moon and it is too dark to see.<\/p>\n

James rears upwards and throws his hands out in front of him. His heart presses upwards into his throat and he pushes himself backwards until he is pressed against the trunk of a tree. He scrabbles through his clothing and his hand blooms with his wand. He points it at the light. His breath whistles between clenched teeth.<\/p>\n

\u201cJames?\u201d<\/p>\n

His fingers ache around the wooden shaft.<\/p>\n

\u201cJames? Are you there?\u201d<\/p>\n

He brings his legs under him but stays crouched. \u201cWho\u2019s there?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSirius.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cProve it.\u201d<\/p>\n

A dog, bright and silver, bounds over the grass.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat proves nothing. Anyone can learn to do another Patronus.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou threw a glass at me yesterday.\u201d<\/p>\n

James lowers his wand. \u201cSirius.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cTell me what you found.\u201d<\/p>\n

James closes his eyes. \u201cYour letter. Lumos<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius walks down the sides of the depression in which James sits, into the circle of light, his wand pointed down. \u201cNo mistakes. No accidents.\u201d He stops and puts his wand in his pocket. \u201cNo intentionals, either.\u201d<\/p>\n

James lays his wand on the ground. \u201cHow\u2019d you find me?\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius sits down across from him. \u201cMeliae sent me a bird.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAn owl?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo. She called a bird down and whispered her message. It came and told me where to find you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy\u2019d she send it to you? Why not Remus? Or Lily?\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius shrugs. \u201cGuess she thinks you and I have the most to talk about.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShe is very. Very. Strange.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cCan\u2019t expect less from a Nymph.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow old do you think she is?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know, but she\u2019s told me some amazing stories about the wizards that lived in Greece at its height. And she showed me the horse she pained at Lascaux.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHoly\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know.\u201d Sirius frowns. \u201cYou never should have messed with her the way you did.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah. Well. I didn\u2019t know, did I?\u201d James raises his wand and mutters, reinforcing the spells around the space they occupy. \u201cLast thing I remember she told me to drink my tea.\u201d He lowers his wand again so the light falls on Sirius, who looks down.<\/p>\n

\u201cDid you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen have you ever not done what she asks you to do?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNever. She\u2019s strange, but she knows what she\u2019s doing.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat are you doing with her?\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius rubs his eyes. \u201cWorking. She\u2019s helping me. With some spell work.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat kind of spell work requires that you work with a goddess?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThe kind that only a goddess knows how to do.\u201d<\/p>\n

James rubs his chest. \u201cSirius, what are you doing?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJames, please, just let me be. I\u2019ll tell you, I swear, someday soon.\u201d<\/p>\n

James nods and rubs his chest again. \u201cI want you to know something.\u201d Sirius looks up. \u201cYou are my best mate.\u201d Sirius nods. \u201cAnd I have resented you for a long, long time.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI gathered that.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShut up, git. I\u2019m trying to talk to you. I understand, now, why you slept with Lily the first time. And I want to understand why you did it the second time. I want to-\u201d he takes a deep breath-\u201chear what you have to say.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius sits still for a long time, his face turned to the trees that surround them. \u201cI have always…loved Lily. Not in the way you do, but in the way you love something bright and shining, because<\/em> it\u2019s bright and shining and it makes your own darkness a bit easier to bear.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen you and I are out there, we\u2019re in a battle or we\u2019re investigating a scene of Dark magic \u2013 it\u2019s hard for me to keep myself clean of it. That curse never left me entirely \u2013 I don\u2019t think you can ever truly eradicate them. I can feel it building in me, crowding me, filling the corners of my soul with something twisted. But I can think of her then, of her and Harry, I can think of them and I feel…cleaner. There\u2019s something beautiful in this world. There\u2019s something other than death and fear and piss and blood.\u201d<\/p>\n

He sighs and pulls his knees to his chest. \u201cJames, you didn\u2019t go on the Ambruson call. When we got there the Dark Mark was still in the sky. There were so many curses and jinxes around that house it took us three hours to get in. James, they…they…\u201d Sirius covers his face with his hands. \u201cThey had killed the parents. But they didn\u2019t kill the children. They left the children there, trapped in the house, with their dead parents. James, they were…\u201d Sirius groans. \u201cThey were only three and five. Three and five<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n

James is across the grass in two steps, his hands finding Sirius\u2019s shoulders, feeling the muscles bunched and shaking under his touch. He sits down and Sirius falls into him, sobbing. James holds him tight.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd I couldn\u2019t \u2013 couldn\u2019t get them to…to stop crying<\/em>, James, they wouldn\u2019t stop c-crying<\/em>,\u201d Sirius\u2019s voice is muffled against James\u2019s shirt, \u201cand I wondered, I wondered if that was all they would do, f-for the rest of their lives, this crying,\u201d he presses his head hard against James\u2019s chest. \u201cI held onto them so tightly, so tightly, their little arms were j-just hanging<\/em> there, and the littlest one kept asking for his mum, kept p-pointing to the room where their parents lay, and telling me sh-she was sleeping and he couldn\u2019t…couldn\u2019t wake her up!\u201d Sirius\u2019s body spasms. James locks his arms around him, allows Sirius to pour his soul into the night.<\/p>\n

\u201cMerlin, James, I don\u2019t know if I h-have it in me, if I can do this much longer…I can\u2019t keep everything straight in my head. It all just s-swirls around and around and sometimes I\u2019m with you and…and Lily…and I feel that black s-smoke from what we\u2019ve seen in my head and I c-can\u2019t p-push it away, James.\u201d He is holding onto the front of James\u2019s shirt now, pulling his face close. \u201cHow do you push smoke away? How?\u201d<\/p>\n

James looks deep into grey eyes, deep into the lined face and feels the clutching fingers, the shirt dragging against his shoulders. \u201cI know.\u201d It is all he can do to keep breathing himself. \u201cI know because it\u2019s the same for me. Sometimes I can\u2019t go home \u2013 I have to walk around, or I Apparate somewhere far away, just walk through the woods, a town, wherever I find myself. And then I hate myself, for leaving, for leaving her alone in that apartment, with our child, not knowing where I am or when \u2013 or if<\/em> \u2013 I\u2019ll be back. But I can\u2019t go there with this\u201d he swipes a hand down his front, then toward the darkness around them \u201con me. I don\u2019t want that near her, near our child. I\u2019m away from them more than I should be.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd she\u2019s feeling that \u2013 I know she is. I can feel it in her when I take her in my arms. She\u2019s just a shell; just a small, frail thing \u2013 no one can come to visit, really<\/em> visit; she\u2019s all alone \u2013 it kills me to see her, look in her eyes, see the questions that she keeps to herself, which I couldn\u2019t answer, anyway \u2013 how can I even tell her about my day?<\/p>\n

\u201cSometimes I just lie, lie my ass off, tell her any stupid things I can think of on the spot so she doesn\u2019t worry more; is that right? Is that what I should be doing? And I don\u2019t have anyone to ask, there\u2019s no one who can tell me if I\u2019m doing this right or wrong, and who am I going to talk to about all this?\u201d The clouds hunch their shoulders and rain finds its way down to the two men on the ground. James pulls away from Sirius but Sirius\u2019s hands find his shoulders and he hangs on the way James did earlier.<\/p>\n

\u201cMe, James, talk to me. Talk to me<\/em>. I\u2019m here, I\u2019m seeing the same things you are, we can\u2019t \u2013 we can\u2019t go on the way we have been. We can\u2019t. We\u2019re finding our way, down this path, and this path is filled with holes and darkness and who knows what else and you\u2019re trying to hold all this away from your family and you can\u2019t hold it all inside. It\u2019s killing you. It\u2019s got to be \u2013 it sure as hell is killing me. It\u2019s trial and error, mate, and learning, and moving forward with whatever light you can find.\u201d<\/p>\n

James\u2019s head falls down, his chin touches his chest. In the light you have more of a chance<\/em>…\u201cSirius, why didn\u2019t you ever say this to me before?\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius runs his fingers through his hair. \u201cMerlin, James, I thought you would think I was daft. Or weak. It seemed like you were keeping it together so well, that somehow you were able to deal with it; I didn\u2019t want to tell you I was cracking up. I didn\u2019t think you\u2019d…\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201c…understand.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve spent a long time proving to everyone that I wouldn\u2019t understand. I\u2019ve spent a long time being perfect, being above reproach, being a bloody fool. I\u2019m not perfect, Sirius. Not even by half. And I\u2019m not able to deal with it. Not anymore. Maybe I never was.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJames, what happened? What happened to us? How did we get here?\u201d<\/p>\n

James closes his eyes. \u201cI stopped talking to you about certain things. Back in school. I shut the door to a little room in my soul and when I wasn\u2019t looking, that little room grew into a castle. And all the things I used to stuff in that room took over and then I couldn\u2019t find the door to let them out. And I stood on one side of the castle and I made damn sure you were on the other side.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut why<\/em>? Because of the letter?\u201d<\/p>\n

James breathes. \u201cNo, Sirius, that door and that little room were already formed before I ever found the letter. If they hadn\u2019t been, I would have talked to you then. No, I used the letter to prove to myself that my decision to shut you out was the right one. Even though I knew you would never betray me, never do something like that without a reason, I talked myself into believing that you had, that you would.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDid you hate me that much? Do you…do you hate me now?\u201d Sirius\u2019s voice cracks.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo. I don\u2019t hate you. I haven\u2019t ever hated you. You had…you were so…I wanted everything, back then. And I couldn\u2019t have it because of you. You<\/em> had everything. At least, that\u2019s what I thought. I wasn\u2019t paying attention to the right things. I thought…if I had known how to be a real friend, I would have known about your curse. I would have pounded it out of you the way she did. You would not have had to go through that alone.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, I don\u2019t hate you. I hate myself. But I\u2019m very good at redirecting that hate outward. Just ask Lily. Or Remus. Or yourself.\u201d<\/p>\n

They sit in silence, the sound of rain on leaves filling the space around them.<\/p>\n

\u201cJames, I don\u2019t think…I don\u2019t think I can be an Auror anymore.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t think I can, either. At least, I can\u2019t do it alone anymore. I can do it, if you\u2019re there with me. If I know we can talk, like this. Can you do that? Can we?\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius wipes his face on his sleeve and nods.<\/p>\n

\u201cSirius, I \u2013 I\u2019m sorry. About this\u201d he points to Sirius\u2019s chest \u201cabout it all. I wanted to kill you. I wanted to rip your heart out of your chest. But I\u2019ve wanted to do that to every person I\u2019ve run into lately…I\u2019ve wanted to rip and shred and tear people up. There is so much in me that I can\u2019t hold it in anymore. You were…you were convenient. After what happened, I could hurt you and everybody would understand. No one would question me. I could hurt you and Lily and not have to think about myself, about what was going on inside of me.\u201d James gasps. \u201cThat\u2019s why, isn\u2019t it, Sirius. That\u2019s why it happened. Because there was too much in you and you couldn\u2019t stand it anymore. And in one more second it was going to fall down and it wasn\u2019t going to get back up. You wanted to touch something, something not dirty, something that shines and doesn\u2019t rip your heart straight out of your chest…and she is that. She is beautiful, and she is real and there. Is that why?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201c. . . yes.\u201d Sirius\u2019s voice is barely audible. \u201cIt wasn\u2019t her, James. It\u2019s not her. I just wanted…\u201d<\/p>\n

James nods. \u201c. . . to be whole.\u201d He presses his hands to his forehead. \u201cI did the same thing you did. I let it get too big and hurt the ones I love the most. We aren\u2019t so different.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJames, I\u2019m so…\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know you are, Sirius.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLet me say it? Please?\u201d<\/p>\n

James nods.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m so fucking sorry, James. I\u2019m so. Fucking. Sorry. I don\u2019t want anything, ever, to c-come between us.\u201d He is crying again. \u201cEver again, James. You are m-my best mate, James, my b-best mate, I can\u2019t, I don\u2019t want to \u2013 fuck, I am so, so s-s-sorry<\/em>!\u201d Sirius presses his face into his hands.<\/p>\n

James takes Sirius\u2019s hands away from his face, looks him in the eye. \u201cNothing will. Ever again. It won\u2019t be the way it has been.\u201d<\/p>\n

The rain falls harder, soaking body and clothes, dripping from the branches of the trees surrounding them. The two men huddle together, clothing drenched, backs turned against the darkness.<\/p>\n


\n<\/strong><\/p>\n

Redux<\/h2>\n

Sirius falls to his knees and vomits into the porcelain bowl.<\/p>\n

\u201cCharming.\u201d<\/p>\n

He wipes his eyes. \u201cWhat the hell was in that tea?\u201d<\/p>\n

Meliae spins the cup in the air in front of her. \u201cStuff.\u201d<\/p>\n

He heaves again. Veins stand out in his neck.<\/p>\n

She claps her hands and the cup vanishes. \u201cGoing to get a whole lot worse than that.\u201d<\/p>\n

He pants. \u201cThis is payment for something I did, isn\u2019t it.\u201d<\/p>\n

She kneels beside him, brushing his hair back from his face. \u201cIt doesn\u2019t work that way, love.\u201d<\/p>\n

He nods. \u201cKnow that.\u201d He reaches for the bowl again.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou think you do.\u201d She pulls him up to sitting. \u201cIt\u2019s going to take you somewhere. I can\u2019t come with you. Don\u2019t allow yourself…\u201d She kisses his brow. \u201cJust make sure you come back to me, love.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius convulses, his eyes rolling back into his head, and his last conscious action is to scream.<\/p>\n

*~*<\/p>\n

There are three moons. Sirius looks from one to the next to the next. The ground beneath him is warm.<\/p>\n

A footfall behind him.<\/p>\n

He whirls, reaching for his wand. His pockets are empty. The back of his neck prickles.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou come alone.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cWho are you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou do not ask here.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Sirius squints, but the moons are small and throw little light. \u201cIf I can\u2019t ask questions, how am I…\u201d<\/p>\n

Something cold takes his hand.<\/p>\n

He jerks back.<\/p>\n

The cold thing returns and he cannot pull away. \u201cFollow.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

He is drawn forward, down a slope, to three trees. In the shadow the darkness is complete. He stumbles and more cold hands pull him upright. He shies away from them and they disappear.<\/p>\n

\u201cWho sent you?<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cM-Meliae.\u201d<\/p>\n

There is a sound like a breeze through bare branches. \u201cHow do you know such as her<\/em>?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShe\u2019s my…I\u2019m her…we…\u201d Something moves through his mind.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou are him.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius\u2019s teeth chatter.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou wish to be relieved of something.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou say I can\u2019t ask questions, but I don\u2019t know who you are, and I\u2019m not going to…\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe have Seen you. You have made a Vow. You wish my sister to break it.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n

He wraps his arms around himself. \u201cWho the hell are you?\u201d<\/p>\n

The clearing fills with hissing.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m…sorry…I…\u201d Something flutters against him and he jumps back. \u201cPlease, I…I can\u2019t see you…\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe is only a man, sister.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd a human, at that.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe is a pretty mortal, is he not<\/em>?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSister. . .<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n

Light flares. He shades his eyes. There are three shrouded figures. One moves toward him, its hand outstretched.<\/p>\n

Sirius shudders. \u201cOh, no, no, no…\u201d<\/p>\n

But the hand is covered in flesh. \u201cYou have been Sent. We see it. She wishes my sister to undo your Vow.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n

He takes a step back. \u201cWho…who are you? How can you break an Unbreakable Vow?\u201d<\/p>\n

She brings her hand down and it disappears into the sleeve of her shroud. \u201cImpermanence rules your world. There is no unbreakable.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, there is…if I break it, I die.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou die. You are born. You die. You are born. World without end.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius stares at her.<\/p>\n

Another one of them moves forward. \u201cShe has told you the price.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n

He jumps. \u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd you agree to it<\/em>?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI have…caused much harm. I wish to make amends.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHumans always wish so. They do not understand the way of things.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n

The third one bows her head over a loom and points to a thread. \u201cWhat occurs occurs. What does not occur does not. It is not in this lifetime that you will amend what you have done.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius staggers back. \u201cYou are…you are Clotho.\u201d He spins, pointing to the other two women. \u201cAnd you are Lachesis. So you must be…\u201d His hand falls to his side.<\/p>\n

One corner of the third woman\u2019s mouth curls up, but it is not a smile. \u201cAtropos<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n

They bow.<\/p>\n

He falls to his knees. \u201cOh, my god.\u201d<\/p>\n

Atropos brings forth the loom. She snips a thread. \u201cImpermanence.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n

Lachesis takes a thread and pulls to its end. She takes a length from her pocket and weaves it in. \u201cImpermanence.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n

Clotho draws forth the raw material at the end of the loom and rubs it between her fingers until it forms a thread. She adds it to the cloth. \u201cImpermanence.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI…s-see…\u201d<\/p>\n

Atropos shakes her head. \u201cYou do not. You cannot.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n

Lachesis guides him to the loom. \u201cThis.<\/em>\u201d She points to a patch of the cloth.<\/p>\n

He squints. \u201cThis?\u201d<\/p>\n

She points. \u201cHere.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n

He looks closer and gasps. \u201cThat\u2019s…that\u2019s me, that\u2019s Lily…that\u2019s my \u2013 my father!\u201d He looks at her, ashen.<\/p>\n

She points to a patch further back from the first one. \u201cHere.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n

He bows over the cloth. \u201cI…don\u2019t understand. Who is that?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cTell what you see.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI see a…man…and a child. I see the child pulling a…a…pig? A pig. I see another man, at the crossroads…he\u2019s got a…\u201d He jerks upright, whirling toward the woman next to him. \u201cHe\u2019s got a dagger! He\u2019s waiting for them! Help them! Help the child!\u201d<\/p>\n

She gestures again. \u201cHere.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius follows her finger. \u201cThe…the man with the dagger…he\u2019s killed the man. He\u2019s…he\u2019s killed the…\u201d He closes his eyes. \u201cWhy are you showing<\/em> me this?\u201d He presses his hands to his face.<\/p>\n

Clotho touches his shoulder. She points. \u201cFollow.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius wipes his eyes. \u201cThe same thread?\u201d<\/p>\n

She nods.<\/p>\n

He bends once again to the fabric, following the thread. \u201cThere\u2019s a new thread…woven in here…\u201d He reaches to touch the cloth.<\/p>\n

Atropos stays his hand. \u201cIt is not for you, the touching of the threads.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cFollow.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAfter the splice, there\u2019s a…it\u2019s…\u201d He squints, then stands. \u201cI don\u2019t understand.\u201d<\/p>\n

Lachesis leans over the cloth. \u201cThis is the life of the daggersman. This is your life.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut I\u2019m…he\u2019s woven into…\u201d His face pales. \u201cI\u2019m the…I was the man with the\u2026?\u201d His voice is a whisper.<\/p>\n

\u201cImpermanence. No beginning, no end. What one does, another answers. But one, or another \u2013 it is the illusion of separation. There is no one. There is no other.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius is shaking again. \u201cSo I\u2019m…the curse…I\u2019m paying for what I…he…did before me…\u201d<\/p>\n

Atropos shakes her head. \u201cThere is no \u2018I.\u2019 There is no \u2018he.\u2019\u201d <\/em>She touches the mass of raw material at the end of the loom used to make every thread in the fabric. \u201cThere only…is.<\/em> Look.\u201d <\/em>She touches the cloth again.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe\u2026child was buried\u2026\u201d He jerks his head away. \u201cPlease, please, no more!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Atropos digs her nails into his neck and shoves him back down. \u201cLook!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Sirius\u2019s shirt clings to him, soaked in sweat. \u201cHe\u2026it\u2019s spliced again\u2026now there\u2019s a mom, singing to her baby\u2026she\u2019s happy\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

Atropos releases him.<\/p>\n

\u201cI…I don\u2019t understand…\u201d<\/p>\n

There is a sound like thunder. Clotho bows. \u201cThemis.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWho…?\u201d<\/p>\n

A fourth woman floats into the clearing. She is wreathed in clouds and in her hair are the stars of the heavens. She smiles. \u201cBalance.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Sirius\u2019s eyes are wide. He sways toward her.<\/p>\n

Themis points to the cloth. \u201cAll must balance. One action is heavy, another action must be light. No beginning, no end.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius takes a step toward her. \u201cI don\u2019t pay…I…balance? For the man?\u201d<\/p>\n

She nods, her eyes full of light. \u201cThis thread is heavy. This thread must be light.<\/em>\u201d She reaches out, touching Sirius\u2019s forehead. \u201cThis thread hurts…this thread must be hurt. The thread is thick, the thread is thin. It is neither. It is both. Balance.<\/em>\u201d She takes his hand in hers. It is smooth, warm.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe child who died\u2026became the happy mom. And it\u2019s the same with my life…it is not…for me…it is for the balance of the threads.\u201d<\/p>\n

Her smile is bright. She pulls Sirius to her.<\/p>\n

He feels her body, warm, against his, and the breath of cloud against his back.<\/p>\n

Atropos pulls him back. \u201cHe is a human.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n

Themis\u2019s eyes change. The stars merge and swirl, and lightning strikes the ground outside the circle of trees. She pulls Sirius closer and wraps her arms around him.<\/p>\n

Atropos points to the cloth. \u201cHere.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n

Themis looks at the cloth, at Atropos. \u201cHe will do this?<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe will. It is why he has come.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe has agreed? And to this?<\/em>\u201d She points further up the thread.<\/p>\n

Atropos swirls her cloak about the loom. \u201cHe will do this.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n

Themis smiles again, but it is feral. \u201cTo ask them \u2013 there is a cost for your knowledge of the cloth. There is no creation without destruction.<\/em>\u201d She holds him tighter. Her hair is wild about his face and he cannot breathe.<\/p>\n

Lachesis laughs. \u201cHe belongs to Meliae.\u201d<\/em> She runs her finger down a thread, from the fresh threads down to where the cloth disappears in the mist.<\/p>\n

Themis\u2019s face is thunder. \u201cMeliae<\/em> is not of us now<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n

Clotho shakes her head. \u201cShe walks his ground. But her heart is planted here. She will come for him, if you take him.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius tries to turn his head. \u201cShe said…to come back…to her.\u201d He gasps.<\/p>\n

Lachesis nods. \u201cHe understands. He does not understand. Impermanence.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n

Themis loosens her grip and drifts away. \u201cBalance. One thread must weigh too much, another must weigh less.<\/em>\u201d And she is gone.<\/p>\n

Sirius turns to the three women. \u201cWhat the hell is going on here?\u201d<\/p>\n

Atropos loosens a thread, pulls a strand loose. \u201cIt is done, human man. You may return.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s done? You…\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI have intervened. You have agreed to the price.<\/em>\u201d Atropos comes close. Her fingers trace his cheek. \u201cIt is done<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n

*~*<\/p>\n

He awakens in Meliae\u2019s arms. He stares up at her for a long time.<\/p>\n

She runs her fingers through his hair. \u201cYou came back to me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWas that real?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n

He shudders against her. \u201cJesus, Meliae. That was…terrifying. One of them almost kept me.\u201d<\/p>\n

She smiles and it sends shivers up his spine. \u201cClotho.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, someone named Themis.\u201d<\/p>\n

Meliae\u2019s eyes narrow. \u201cReally, now.\u201d Her fingers tighten on his arms.<\/p>\n

Sirius shifts. \u201cBut she didn\u2019t. They made her let me go.\u201d<\/p>\n

She laughs. \u201cNo one makes us do anything. She must have Seen.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSeen what?\u201d<\/p>\n

She brushes his hair back again. \u201cWhat did you learn?\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius sits up. \u201cSeen what?\u201d<\/p>\n

She growls.<\/p>\n

He raises his hands in front of him. \u201cYou know I hate it when you go feral on me.\u201d<\/p>\n

She grins. \u201cNo, you don\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re looking at me like you didn\u2019t eat lunch.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019ve been gone a long time.\u201d<\/p>\n

He turns and looks outside. \u201cIt\u2019s only been a few hours.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s been five days.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat<\/em>?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cTime is…different there.\u201d<\/p>\n

He jumps to his feet. \u201cI\u2019ve got to go! I was supposed to be at the Ministry…\u201d<\/p>\n

She takes his hand and pulls. \u201cNo you don\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cReally…I have to go…I\u2019ve got a meeting about my probation…I can\u2019t just skive off.\u201d<\/p>\n

Her hair flashes black, then returns to blonde.<\/p>\n

He allows her to pull him down. \u201cYou\u2019re a scary woman.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOnly if you don\u2019t do what I say.\u201d She grins and her teeth sparkle in the last light of day.<\/p>\n

He doesn\u2019t grin. \u201cJust like me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cTell me. What you learned.\u201d She leans against his shoulder and turns her face up to him.<\/p>\n

He bends down and kisses her. Then he looks up, over her shoulder, squinting. \u201cIt\u2019s…hard to remember. Like a dream.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThey\u2019ll take pieces of it back.\u201d She winds her arms around him.<\/p>\n

\u201cThey showed me\u2026a thread. Where a little child dies. And then\u2026that thread goes on. And that little child is\u2014I don\u2019t know how to describe it. Someone else. A mom. A happy mom. It made me think of all I\u2019ve seen, the death, the horrible, horrible things I\u2019ve\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

She smiles. \u201cThey have helped you with the weight of your thread.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThey did that on purpose?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThey do nothing without the wisdom of its doing.\u201d She snuggled into his warm body. \u201cSirius\u2026please\u2026weave me their story. Tell me of my home.\u201d<\/p>\n

His heart stops, then starts again. \u201cYour…home.\u201d His arm finds its way around her shoulders. \u201cWe \u2013 none of us \u2013 know our fates. Know why what happens happens. Just that it…happens for a reason. And it may not even have anything to do with…\u201d He swipes a hand down his body. \u201cThis life.\u201d<\/p>\n

She smiles, her orange eyes soft. \u201cYes, my love.\u201d<\/p>\n

He is quiet for a long time. \u201cNothing…matters.\u201d<\/p>\n

She kisses away his tears. \u201cEverything matters.\u201d<\/p>\n

*~*<\/p>\n

Harry sleeps soundly in the bed. Lily stares at him, his smooth cheeks, his tiny fingers, his black hair sticking up at all angles. She watches his chest rise and fall. She reaches out, running a finger down that impossibly perfect curve of cheek and chin. His mouth turns toward her, his lips moving in dream nursing, and she smiles, tears crowding her lower lashes. She touches the back of his neck, noting the slight dampness. He is always so warm. She brings the sheet down.<\/p>\n

She moves away from him, trailing fingers down the comforter. Her hand rests on the corner of the bed. James\u2019s side.<\/p>\n

She whirls to her dresser. Yanks the middle drawer open. Pries out the false wooden back. It is there. She holds the small panel, bringing it to her nose. The wood is smooth in her hands and she smells the pine forests which surrounded her town when she was growing up. Before magic. Before James. Before Harry. There was that one time when she saw a fox down by the creek…<\/p>\n

Before all of this.<\/p>\n

She opens her eyes and pulls the envelope from its hiding place. She waits for the heat, the tingling, to flood through her hand. She tilts her head, looking at the envelope, at her hand. She shakes it, then loosens her fingers…she tightens them again and pads from the bedroom, pulling the door almost shut behind her.<\/p>\n

She sits on the floor beneath the window. The letter weighs her hand down until it is resting on the rug. She has read every book, talked to every person she knows. Even Dumbledore said he could not help her, that it was up to Sirius. Her brain runs madly down every path she can think of, one after another; each one worn down to dust; each ending in the same place. Death. She looks at the door to the bedroom. Her fingers crush the envelope. But they are not hot. Not tingling.<\/p>\n

She stumbles to the kitchen. The wood goes easily into the bin. The letter…<\/p>\n

She stands for a long time, the letter in the space between heart and bin, a space filled with lies and torment and grief. The parchment is heavy and her hand shakes as always and she does not want to feel her fingers around it but there they are, as always. \u201cThere\u2019s nothing to be done. Nothing. Nothing.\u201d<\/em> She feels her eyes burn. She shakes her hand again. \u201cWhy doesn\u2019t it tingle?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

She lets go.<\/p>\n

The letter falls.<\/p>\n

The letter falls.<\/em><\/p>\n

She stands motionless, her fingers outstretched, empty.<\/p>\n

Then she is on her knees, sobbing, shoving it down with the false back, pushing it down as far as it will go, not daring to touch it again in case it once more becomes part of her flesh.<\/p>\n

\u201cSirius, what have you done?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n


\n<\/strong><\/p>\n

There Is A Magic Only Women Can Do<\/h2>\n

James pauses just in front of the door. His eyes are red and smudged with dark circles and his cheeks are covered in stubble. \u201cThanks for letting me stay, mate.\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus leans against the wall. \u201c\u2019Course.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know I just said it, but I\u2019m…I\u2019m sorry I made you deal with Sirius.\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus nods.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd…I\u2019m glad you\u2019re my friend. Really. I want you to hear me say that as often as possible.\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus\u2019s eyes narrow. \u201cWho the hell are you and what have you done with my friend James?\u201d<\/p>\n

The corner of James\u2019s mouth twitches. \u201cThat\u2019s so clich\u00e9, Moony.\u201d<\/p>\n

He sighs. \u201cYeah.\u201d<\/p>\n

James runs his fingers over the handle. \u201cI\u2019m scared.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe all are.\u201d<\/p>\n

James winces. \u201cWhat if…I\u2019ve been gone too long?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThen you\u2019ll have to deal with the repercussions.\u201d He looks down. \u201cRemember what you know before you walk in.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll have to take responsibility, you mean.\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus nods again.<\/p>\n

James\u2019s fingers close around the handle. \u201cI can do that.\u201d<\/p>\n

*~*<\/p>\n

James stumbles down the hallway.<\/p>\n

There is the door. He stops and leans against the wall. His breath catches in his throat. He presses his hand to his chest.<\/p>\n

Then he is standing in front of the door and his hand is out, out, out, toward it, and the space between his hand and the handle closes and then it is smooth and cold in his palm.<\/p>\n

He turns his head and he hears them beyond this door, two bodies at rest and in motion, two bodies moving through space. She is singing. He closes his eyes and the tune floats through him. Colors burst from behind his eyelids and he hums along, barely audible, his voice bucking and cracking. He holds the handle and his heart beats through his chest.<\/p>\n

He lifts his hand. He rests his forehead against the door and wraps his arms around himself.<\/p>\n

You\u2019ve got what you\u2019ve always wanted. They are at your feet, begging for your forgiveness, for your love.     <\/em><\/p>\n

He tucks his chin down against his chest and shivers.<\/p>\n

How much do you wish to hurt her and Sirius? How much, James? How much will be enough? Do you have a measurement, a length of time, perhaps, or an amount of blood you would like to see?<\/em><\/p>\n

The sobs come and he lets them, working only to keep them quiet so as not to frighten her.<\/p>\n

I could hurt you and Lily and not have to think about myself, about what was going on inside of me. I could hurt you…and Lily…<\/em><\/p>\n

Tears drip from his chin onto his jacket. \u201cI…need you , Lily…\u201d His hand shoots out and the door swings open and his eyes follow the woman with the child on her hip and he feels her heart beating in his own chest and his feet carry him toward her and there is nothing and then there is the something of her turning.<\/p>\n

\u201cJames!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Then there are her feet flying and the impact of soft on hard and the baby\u2019s hands in his hair and he buries his face in her, her scent of flowers twisting in his head and body, pulling him toward her and away from the darkness of wood and mind, of self and death.<\/p>\n

There are her tears, then, and his, and the baby laughing and pulling, and his arms are full and he cannot imagine them empty ever, ever again.<\/p>\n

\u201cLily. Oh, Lily. I\u2019m home.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n


\n<\/strong><\/p>\n

James and Lily \u2013 and Sirius, Meliae, Arthur, Remus, Dumbledore, Representatives of the Auror Department, and Teacups<\/h2>\n

James\u2019s mum\u2019s hand is on the handle. She eyes Lily. \u201cI\u2019ll take him home and he can spend the night with us.\u201d Harry pats her cheeks with his hands. She looks away from Lily and kisses them. \u201cSweet boy.\u201d She pulls the door closed behind her.<\/p>\n

Lily looks at James. \u201cI guess it was inevitable sh-she would know.\u201d Her voice quakes.<\/p>\n

\u201cShe doesn\u2019t know. Well, she doesn\u2019t know the details. She knows I was…gone for a long time. She doesn\u2019t know why, exactly.\u201d<\/p>\n

She closes her eyes and opens them again. \u201cThank you, James.\u201d<\/p>\n

He shrugs and moves to the living room. His stride shortens as he passes…then he is in the chair by the fireplace.<\/p>\n

Lily hasn\u2019t moved from her place by the little table behind the sofa. She wrings her hands. \u201cJames…\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLily, sit down.\u201d He runs a hand down his face. \u201cPlease. Sit down.\u201d<\/p>\n

She stumbles around the couch and sits, leaning forward over her knees. \u201cJames…\u201d<\/p>\n

He holds up a hand. \u201cNot yet.\u201d His eyes find hers and hold. \u201cI can\u2019t live in this flat. You understand that.\u201d<\/p>\n

She nods, a tear stealing down her cheek.<\/p>\n

\u201cAlbus has found another place for us.\u201d<\/p>\n

She nods again.<\/p>\n

He pushes his fingers through his hair. \u201cI don\u2019t want to have this conversation. It would be so much easier to leave. Or to go on, pretend like I had forgiven you on the surface, and hate you every day.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh my God.\u201d She buries her face in her hands.<\/p>\n

A shiver runs up his spine. \u201cBut that wouldn\u2019t be honest. Lily.\u201d He looks over at her. \u201cLily, can you look at me for a second?\u201d<\/p>\n

She turns her face up, streaked with tears.<\/p>\n

He takes his wand from his pocket and points it at the floor by her feet. A box of tissue appears. \u201cIt wouldn\u2019t be honest because that\u2019s not how I feel.\u201d<\/p>\n

Her hands fumble over the box. \u201cIt\u2019s not?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo. I don\u2019t hate you. But you have to understand how easy that would be. No one would blame me.\u201d He laughs, a short bark. \u201cExcept my closest friends.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cE-easy? To hate me?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cEasy. The easy way out. For me. It\u2019s easy to hate you, to hate Sirius, for what happened. But I\u2019ve learned that when every finger I have is pointing out, and none are pointing back at me, well…that\u2019s a problem.\u201d He sighs. \u201cAnd you have to know that there is a part of me that hates you anyway.\u201d<\/p>\n

She trembles. \u201cI deserve that.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou don\u2019t, though. Not really.\u201d The ghost of a smile crosses his face. \u201cAt least, not entirely.\u201d He turns away from her and stares out the window. \u201cTalk. Please.\u201d<\/p>\n

Lily crumples her tissue and reaches for another one. \u201cJames, I…I betrayed you. I did. I did that. And I have to…to see that, to see that I let my mind get out of hand, that I s-stupidly did something I can never, ever t-take back.\u201d Her tears flow again. \u201cAnd I know, now, how it happened, and why, and that\u2019s important for me to know, but it\u2019s n-not what is important f-for you…\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt is important for me. I want to know what the fuck…<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n

Lily makes a sound like a squeak.<\/p>\n

He closes his eyes and breathes in. \u201cI want to know how \u2013 and why \u2013 this happened.\u201d<\/p>\n

She pushes a tissue against her eyes.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd I want you to look at me…<\/em>\u201d He shakes his head and unclenches his hands. \u201cPlease look at me while you\u2019re telling me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re scaring me, James.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t think I can do better than I\u2019m doing.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen you walked in, the way you held me, the way you sounded…\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI want you to keep in mind that that\u2019s how I really feel about you. But right now, I have to get through this. I need you to…let me be the way I am.\u201d His knuckles are white around the arms of the chair. \u201cAnd know that I\u2019m trying with every fiber of my being to practice another way.\u201d<\/p>\n

Her eyes are huge. \u201cAll-all right, James, I\u2019ll…\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJust talk. Please.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI…this…\u201d She looks around her, takes another tissue, then looks back at James. \u201cI have a habit of…of dreaming. I dream of…when things get difficult, I don\u2019t look at what\u2019s going on. I…dream of other times, other places, other…\u201d She shuts her mouth.<\/p>\n

\u201cSay it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOther people.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOther men<\/em>.\u201d He shuts his eyes. \u201cJesus Christ.\u201d<\/p>\n

Her hand is out before he finishes. \u201cNo! Not like that! Not…for real. Just like…daydreaming. And I know it\u2019s not real. I know my dreams aren\u2019t \u2013 couldn\u2019t be \u2013 reality. I know that.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThis one was as real as it could fucking get.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJames, please, I\u2019m trying…\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSorry.\u201d He speaks through his teeth.<\/p>\n

\u201cI know your job is…hard.\u201d<\/p>\n

He laughs, but it is without humor.<\/p>\n

\u201cInsane. Brutal. Harrowing. What other words can I use?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThose work.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd when you started…drifting…at first, I understood. I knew that you were having a…that what you were doing was…\u201d She shakes her head. \u201cI\u2019ve never gone through anything like what you\u2019re going through on a daily basis. I couldn\u2019t do it. And at first, I understood your withdrawal. But…\u201d She takes another tissue. \u201cAs the months wore on, and then a year went by, I…I forgot. Over time. I forgot and I just started looking at how far away you were. And I didn\u2019t…oh, God, James, I didn\u2019t try to draw you back! I got angry, especially when we had to move to this…this…\u201d She waves her hand around. \u201cAnd I was here, by myself, every sound making me jump out of my skin, and you, gone, God knows where, and I…I couldn\u2019t do it. By myself. And so I dreamed.\u201d<\/p>\n

His face is ashen. \u201cYou thought you were here alone?\u201d<\/p>\n

She levels her gaze at him. \u201cI am<\/em> here alone.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJesus Christ, Lily, there has been someone from the Auror department outside our flat every single second I\u2019ve been away. Every single…<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n

She is frozen. \u201cOut…side<\/em>? Outside<\/em>? Why not in here with me<\/em>?\u201d She is on her feet. \u201cWhat the fuck good does it do me to have someone outside<\/em>?\u201d<\/p>\n

He stares at her. \u201cThey can\u2019t…come in, Lily. They can\u2019t know the Secret Keeper.\u201d<\/p>\n

Her eyes are wild. \u201cDo you have any idea what it\u2019s like to be in here with a child when you know you\u2019re being hunted down like an animal<\/em>?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOf course I…\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou don\u2019t! You don\u2019t have the first clue what that\u2019s like! Death Eaters, Voldemort, God knows who else<\/em> …\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJesus, Lily, calm…\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd they don\u2019t want to<\/em> kill me, James! They would kill me only by accident! Do you have<\/em> any idea what that\u2019s like<\/em>?\u201d<\/p>\n

His eyes are dead. \u201cI know…what that\u2019s like. I\u2019ve seen it. In the…aftermath.\u201d<\/p>\n

She advances on him. \u201cSo I dream, James, I dream<\/em>. I dream to keep from slowly. Going. Insane<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n

They stand a foot apart. Lily\u2019s labored breathing fills the space between them.<\/p>\n

Then her face crumples and she slides to the floor. She buries her face in her hands. \u201cAnd…and it got out of h-hand. I can s-see that. I was running so fast from…from my f-fear I ran into…I just…\u201d<\/p>\n

One of James\u2019s hands hovers over her, just at the top of her head, before he draws it back again. \u201cI…understand.\u201d<\/p>\n

She turns her face up to him. \u201cYou do?\u201d<\/p>\n

His mouth twists. \u201cI do.\u201d He moves to the couch and sits down. \u201cIt\u2019s exactly what I\u2019ve been doing. Only not…\u201d He stops, his eyes still haunted.<\/p>\n

She crawls across the floor to sit at his feet.<\/p>\n

James knits his fingers together and when his knuckles turn white, he shoves them between his knees. \u201cThank you. For telling me…what you…\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIf I could, James, if I could take a knife and cut it out of me, I would!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know that.\u201d<\/p>\n

She presses another tissue to her eyes. \u201cBut I c-can\u2019t…\u201d Her voice is buried in her arms. \u201cI can only s-say that it won\u2019t happen again. Ever.\u201d<\/p>\n

He looks at her for a long time. \u201cHow can you be sure?\u201d<\/p>\n

She uncurls and looks him directly in the eye. \u201cBecause I love you, James. I love you more than I can ever tell you. And I can\u2019t \u2013 I won\u2019t \u2013 I don\u2019t want these dreams. I want you, James! You\u2019re what I\u2019ve always wanted! You can\u2019t know…how it\u2019s been for me…since you left.\u201d<\/p>\n

He shifts on the couch. \u201cI know how it\u2019s been. It\u2019s…been the same for me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt has?\u201d<\/p>\n

He closes his eyes. \u201cLily…\u201d He shakes his head, opening them again. \u201cHold on.\u201d He presses his fingers to his eyes. \u201cJust…let me…\u201d His mouth twists. \u201cI want to scream at you, to tear you to shreds. But I don\u2019t want to…to do that, either. I…wait a bit, will you?\u201d He buries his head in his hands.<\/p>\n

Lily leans toward him, her hands gripped in her lap.<\/p>\n

His head comes up, his eyes closed. \u201cI\u2019ve never been so…I thought I was going to die, when I left here. This has been the worst time of my life.\u201d He opens them again. \u201cI\u2019ve never been…\u201d He looks out the window. \u201cI\u2019ve never been so alone in my life. Not just these past weeks.\u201d He drags his eyes back to her face. \u201cI\u2019ve been lonely and afraid and sad and full of rage…Jesus, Lily. I\u2019ve been awful. For a long time.\u201d His eyes fill. \u201cThat first time…\u201d<\/p>\n

She moans.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, let me, let me say this. That first time, I…I built a…a wall, between us, and I\u2019ve been holding you…away…from me.\u201d He shakes his head again. \u201cNo, it\u2019s more than that. I\u2019ve been…the \u2018good guy,\u2019 and anything you did wrong…not wrong. Just…anything I did was OK because you<\/em> had…\u201d He grimaces. \u201cI\u2019ve never really forgiven you. For that first time.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJames, I couldn\u2019t…\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know. I know, now<\/em>. But I didn\u2019t know then, and I didn\u2019t…I don\u2019t know that it would have mattered. I used that with you like I used it with Sirius, to make goddamn sure you never…got too close. I don\u2019t…know how to have anyone close. Except, you got close anyway, because I lo…\u201d He shivers. \u201cI can\u2019t say it. Not yet.\u201d<\/p>\n

She pulls another tissue from the box.<\/p>\n

\u201cI want to…to be close. To you. I do. But…\u201d His gaze shifts out the window again. He forces himself back. \u201cI…need help. I need you to help me, Lily.\u201d<\/p>\n

Her eyebrows are lost in her fringe.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s…I\u2019ve been worse since I became an Auror. I can\u2019t…I don\u2019t want to tell you about my life. What can I tell you? How the latest murders looked first-hand? What the widow screamed as they cast the spells to keep her from…\u201d He closes his eyes again. \u201cThese memories, Lily. These and a thousand more. They\u2019re burned in me. I can\u2019t turn them off.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThen don\u2019t. Don\u2019t! Play them, every one of them, James. Play them out to me. Please!\u201d Her hands are raised, a supplication. \u201cPlease, James, don\u2019t keep me out, don\u2019t push me out of your life!\u201d<\/p>\n

He reaches down. His hand stops just shy of her face.<\/p>\n

She brings it all the way, pushes her cheek against it.<\/p>\n

He trails his palm over her face, catching her tears. \u201cI wouldn\u2019t do that to you. I won\u2019t give you the nightmares that live in me. But please…\u201d He cups her chin, brings her face up. \u201cCan you…help me walk the ravages? Can you help me…feel? And not go insane?\u201d<\/p>\n

Her body shakes with the force of her sobs. \u201cY-Yes, James, please, G-God, let me h-help you!\u201d She buries her face in his hand, clutching it to her.<\/p>\n

He is on his knees next to her, drawing her to him, crushing her in his embrace. \u201cGod, I…\u201d His breathing is labored. \u201cI love you, woman. I\u2019ve never seen it as clearly as when I walked through that door…\u201d<\/p>\n

She laughs through her tears. \u201cTh-the second time.\u201d<\/p>\n

He breathes into her hair. \u201cBoth.\u201d<\/p>\n

She tightens her arms around him. \u201cHow can two people l-live in the midst of so much pain?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe work at it. Every day. Together.\u201d He runs his hand down her back. \u201cAnd you won\u2019t be alone another second. I\u2019ll see to that.\u201d The hand tightens into a fist.<\/p>\n

*~*<\/p>\n

Remus walks through the door and stands against the back wall. Men mill about the small space, keeping a distance from the white-haired man behind the desk.<\/p>\n

Albus Dumbledore signs his name with a flourish and looks up. \u201cThank you all for coming on such short notice.\u201d<\/p>\n

A man near the front nods his head.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou may wonder why this meeting is here, and not at Hogwarts.\u201d<\/p>\n

Low murmurs fill the room. Dumbledore takes the opportunity of their distraction to look at Remus. Remus\u2019s head dips once. Dumbledore looks back at the men.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, it\u2019s because what I have to say has nothing to do with the school. Instead, it has to do with what I have just signed.\u201d He holds the parchment aloft.<\/p>\n

\u201cThis is an order for a man\u2019s appearance in front of the Wizengamot. An order from the Auror\u2019s office. I have signed the order because I have agreed to represent this man in his case. Do any of you know what I am talking about?\u201d<\/p>\n

A man toward the center of the group takes a step forward. \u201cSirius Black.\u201d<\/p>\n

Another round of murmurs breaks out.<\/p>\n

Dumbledore raises a hand. The room falls silent. \u201cThat is correct. Sirius Black has been called before the Wizengamot for using an Unforgivable curse.\u201d<\/p>\n

Eyes harden and arms cross. \u201cHe didn\u2019t show up for his initial…reinstatement interview.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe was unTraceable for five days.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSeems a bit suspicious, yeh ask me.\u201d<\/p>\n

Dumbledore turns to the wall behind him. \u201cAnd that is exactly why I\u2019ve gathered a room full of top Aurors.\u201d He draws his wand and, with a few motions, sketches out a meadow with three trees in it. In the sky fly three moons. He turns and, while glancing through the crowd, finds Remus.<\/p>\n

Remus\u2019s eyes are wide, but he dips his head again.<\/p>\n

The man in the center of the group narrows his eyes. \u201cWhat the hell is that? Three moons?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDoes anyone recognize this scene?\u201d<\/p>\n

The men crowd even closer, eyeing the drawing. One squints.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnyone?\u201d<\/p>\n

Heads shake around the room.<\/p>\n

\u201cAh.\u201d Dumbledore folds his hands together and puts them on the desk. \u201cI see. Well, it is a scene from a dream and I was hoping perhaps it had some meaning that one of you could decipher. But, alas.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou brought us here to see if we could figure out your dream<\/em>?\u201d The man in the center shakes his head.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, I brought you here to ask you if any of you believe Sirius went invisible out of malicious intent.\u201d<\/p>\n

Heads swivel and eyes meet. The man in the middle fidgets. \u201cBegging your forgiveness, Professor Dumbledore…\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAlbus. Please.\u201d His eyes twinkle.<\/p>\n

\u201c. . . Professor Albus, but we…I know you\u2019ve been out there a bit, yeh?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJust Albus. And yes, I have…been out there a bit.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo you know it\u2019s like…it can be like fighting your own shadow. We\u2019ve lost three Aurors this week alone. Good ones.\u201d Heads bow. \u201cWe can\u2019t afford to have one of our own flittin\u2019 about, unaccounted for. Especially one\u2019s gone off to meet a suspected Death Eater. Alone. Then attacked an innocent bystander. We\u2019ve got to know we can trust each other.\u201d Heads nod. \u201cAny one of us slip up like that, we tell. We don\u2019t…disappear. We got to know we\u2019re all on the same side. Begging your pardon.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo apologies necessary. So it is the strangeness of the disappearance, the timing of it, and the solitary meeting, not necessarily the use of the Curse, that has brought this on.\u201d Dumbledore holds the parchment aloft again.<\/p>\n

The man in the center nods. \u201cYeh. That\u2019s about it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThen fear no more. I can account for the whereabouts of Sirius Black.\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus raises his eyebrows.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou see, Sirius was on a mission. For me.\u201d<\/p>\n

Men shift.<\/p>\n

\u201cBegging your pardon…Albus…but it\u2019s pretty easy for you to say that, innit?\u201d<\/p>\n

Dumbledore grins. \u201cGood man! The exact thought I would have were I in your position. Will you tell me your name?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGringe Winabout, sir. Albus. Second Deputy of the Auror Department.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAh, Gringe. Knew your mother. Wonderful woman.\u201d He beams. \u201cMade an unforgettable scone, as I recall.<\/p>\n

Gringe blushes. \u201cThat she did, Pr…Albus, and I\u2019ll be thanking you for remembering her so.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, indeed. Raised a bright lad, didn\u2019t she.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, don\u2019t know about that.\u201d He shuffles his feet, grinning, his cheeks pinking.<\/p>\n

Remus\u2019s head swivels to the door. Dumbledore eyes him. Remus turns to him and nods.<\/p>\n

Dumbledore looks at Gringe. \u201cBut back to business. You wish to know Sirius\u2019s mission, do you not?\u201d<\/p>\n

Fifteen pairs of eyes focus on him.<\/p>\n

Dumbledore scoots his chair out from the desk. \u201cWell, you can ask him yourself. He\u2019s just outside the door.\u201d<\/p>\n

Fifteen pairs of eyes turn at once. Remus steps to the side. The door swings open.<\/p>\n

Sirius enters with Meliae, whose eyes are a violent shade of blue. Fifteen men instinctively shift as far away from her as possible.<\/p>\n

\u201cAlbus.\u201d Sirius nods his head.<\/p>\n

\u201cSirius.\u201d Dumbledore indicates two vacated chairs. \u201cMeliae.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDumbledore.\u201d Meliae grins.<\/p>\n

Sirius and Meliae move through the crowd and sit down.<\/p>\n

\u201cI say…who is she?\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius leans forward, but doesn\u2019t turn around. \u201cShe\u2019s my girlfriend.\u201d<\/p>\n

Several pairs of eyes appraise. Several other heads nod. \u201cOf course \u2013 always the ones no one else could even dream of. . .\u201d <\/em><\/p>\n

Gringe frowns. \u201cWhy is she here? This is a matter between…\u201d<\/p>\n

Meliae grins and raises her hand.<\/p>\n

Sirius puts his hand on it, bringing it down to her side, then reaches into his pocket and takes out three stones. \u201cHere they are.\u201d<\/p>\n

Gringe\u2019s eyes refocus and he leans forward, but makes no move to come closer. \u201cWhat\u2019re they?\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius flourishes his wand while Meliae waves a hand by her side. The skin of the stones peels back.<\/p>\n

A collective ahhhhh <\/em>fills the room.<\/p>\n

\u201cThis was his mission. He thought the suspected Death Eater was dealing in them. There have been rumors that the Death Eaters have been breeding them for use in the war. Sirius had to travel to Romania to meet up with Arthur…\u201d<\/p>\n

The door bangs open and everyone jumps. Meliae growls.<\/p>\n

\u201cSorry! Sorry! Am I late?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJust in time, Arthur. Please. Take my seat.\u201d Dumbledore moves aside.<\/p>\n

Arthur shifts through the crowd and, shaking Dumbledore\u2019s hand, sits.<\/p>\n

Gringe looks from Arthur to Sirius and back. \u201cYeh were in Romania…with Sirius…gathering dragon eggs?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBeauties, aren\u2019t they? Oh, they\u2019ll be lovely when they\u2019re hatched.\u201d He looks up. \u201cI mean, in the wild. I\u2019m not…I wouldn\u2019t!\u201d He laughs, glancing around. \u201cNow we can see if the Death Eaters are interested.\u201d He rubs his hands together.<\/p>\n

Gringe moves forward. \u201cAlbus, yeh sent Sirius to Romania after he performed an Unforgivable, when he had an appointment with the Department, to get…dragon eggs with Arthur Weasley?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI did mention you were a bright lad.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo yeh sent…\u201d Gringe\u2019s eyes slide to Arthur.<\/p>\n

\u201cTime was of the essence. The meeting had been set. They were the only two men I could trust.\u201d<\/p>\n

Gringe looks around the room. \u201cThe only two men?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, one.<\/em>\u201d Dumbledore looks at Arthur. \u201cThe Death Eaters know Sirius.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius nods. \u201cNot a one of them is going to traffic in illegal dragon eggs with me.\u201d<\/p>\n

Dumbledore puts a hand on Arthur\u2019s shoulder. \u201cBut not all of them are as familiar with Arthur.\u201d<\/p>\n

Gringe looks at Arthur. \u201cSo why didn\u2019t Arthur get the eggs himself?\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius grins. \u201cWould you give dragon eggs to him?\u201d<\/p>\n

Someone snickers.<\/p>\n

Arthur smiles. \u201cExactly. I could sell them, but I couldn\u2019t buy them. Needed the…Black credibility.\u201d<\/p>\n

Several men nod.<\/p>\n

Sirius nods. \u201cHappy to oblige.\u201d<\/p>\n

Gringe takes his wand from his pocket. \u201cYeh don\u2019t mind if I…\u201d He nods at the eggs.<\/p>\n

Dumbledore smiles. \u201cOf course not.\u201d<\/p>\n

Gringe mutters under his breath as several colors of light shoot from his wand and surround the eggs.<\/p>\n

Meliae\u2019s hand falls to the side of her chair and her fingers flutter.<\/p>\n

Gringe stops muttering and shrugs. \u201cStrange story, Albus.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIndeed. But I think you\u2019ll agree if the rumor is true, we should know about it.\u201d<\/p>\n

Fifteen men shudder.<\/p>\n

Gringe holds out his hand. \u201cGive me the summons. I\u2019ll take care of it. We\u2019ll handle this…in house.\u201d He turns to Sirius. \u201cI expect yeh to do better. If this happens again, there will be consequences. Yeh understand this.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius\u2019s eyes are glued to the drawing on the wall.<\/p>\n

\u201cSirius?\u201d Gringe\u2019s voice is sharp.<\/p>\n

Sirius blinks and stands, facing Gringe. \u201cYes, sir.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd if yeh have any more…missions with Albus, yeh\u2019ll brief the Department thoroughly before they commence.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius glances at Dumbledore.<\/p>\n

Dumbledore nods. \u201cOf course he will.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cEverything seems to be in order, then.\u201d Gringe turns on his heel and exits.<\/p>\n

The men file out. Several come up to shake Sirius\u2019s hand, mutter words of encouragement. A few let their eyes slide over Meliae. She grins, her teeth glistening, and they freeze, then turn, dazed.<\/p>\n

When they are gone, Remus closes the door behind them. He takes out his wand and taps the doorknob. \u201cThey can\u2019t hear us now.\u201d<\/p>\n

Meliae shakes her head and her eyes are orange again. Red and black course through her hair before it returns to blonde.<\/p>\n

Arthur gapes at Meliae. \u201cWho are<\/em>…\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius steps between them. \u201cNeed to know basis, Weasley.\u201d<\/p>\n

Dumbledore points at the drawing on the wall. \u201cSirius?\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius nods. \u201cHow did you…\u201d<\/p>\n

Dumbledore\u2019s eyes twinkle. \u201cI\u2019d say you\u2019ve had an extraordinary experience.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius shivers. \u201cThat\u2019s one way to describe it.\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus picks up the eggs. \u201cWhat the hell are these?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThey\u2019re my teacups.\u201d Meliae waves a hand and the eggs melt and reform into teacups.<\/p>\n

\u201cInteresting.\u201d Remus fingers them. \u201cIt was a close thing.\u201d<\/p>\n

Dumbledore nods. \u201cI wasn\u2019t at all sure they weren\u2019t going to haul the lot of us in.\u201d<\/p>\n

Meliae laughs. \u201cNot a chance.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh?\u201d Dumbledore\u2019s eyebrows rise.<\/p>\n

She stretches and turns her orange cat-eyes on him. \u201cHumans. So easy.\u201d She crosses her arms.<\/p>\n

Arthur peers around Sirius\u2019s shoulder. \u201cHumans<\/em>?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNeed to know, Weasley.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI need to know.\u201d<\/p>\n

Dumbledore bows. \u201cI thank you for your assistance, Meliae.\u201d<\/p>\n

She pauses, then bows back.<\/p>\n

\u201cI would be honored if you would send my best to your…sisters.\u201d<\/p>\n

Her gaze holds steady. \u201cOf course. They remember you fondly.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius\u2019s head whips back to Dumbledore. \u201cYou…you…<\/em>?\u201d<\/p>\n

Dumbledore grins. \u201cI\u2019m sure they do. I\u2019ve never been so terrified in my life.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s partly why it\u2019s such a fond memory.\u201d<\/p>\n

Dumbledore\u2019s laughter fills the room. Then his face sobers. \u201cSirius, this type of thing \u2013 such a lack of attention \u2013 cannot happen again. Your involvement in the Order…\u201d He peers over the edge of his glasses.<\/p>\n

Sirius nods. \u201cIt won\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n

Dumbledore looks at Meliae. \u201cI would respectfully request…\u201d<\/p>\n

She waves her hand. \u201cNothing that is done cannot be undone. Nothing that is undone cannot be done.\u201d<\/p>\n

Arthur gapes. \u201cWhat in the…\u201d<\/p>\n

She looks him up and down. \u201cHmmm.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius takes her arm. \u201cNo, you don\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n

She giggles and takes his hand. \u201cOne is enough.\u201d<\/p>\n

He sighs. \u201cI hope so.\u201d<\/p>\n

Dumbledore turns to Remus. \u201cJames has put in to go into hiding with Lily.\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus nods. \u201cHe doesn\u2019t want to leave her alone anymore.\u201d<\/p>\n

Dumbledore closes his eyes. \u201cSo it is.\u201d<\/p>\n

Meliae turns to him. \u201cYou Saw.\u201d<\/p>\n

He opens his eyes. \u201cI Saw a few things. Much more was left unrevealed.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd you will not interfere with this thread?\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius looks at her.<\/p>\n

Dumbledore shakes his head. \u201cI will not. With any thread.\u201d He brings a hand to his chest and long moments pass. Finally he looks at her again. \u201cI understand that you cannot take a side.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThere are no sides. There only is.\u201d<\/p>\n

Dumbledore sighs. \u201cAnd yet, so few understand that.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius\u2019s eyes fly from Dumbledore to Meliae and back. \u201cWhat did you See?\u201d<\/p>\n

He turns to Sirius. \u201cA thread ends. It goes on.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius nods. \u201cYes, I know this. But…\u201d<\/p>\n

Meliae takes his hand. \u201cThis thread is light. This one must be dark.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI understand,<\/em> but what does\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

Dumbledore stands. \u201cWe move forward, Sirius. It is all we can do.\u201d<\/p>\n

Meliae smoothes her other hand down Sirius\u2019s back and he stills. He draws a deep breath. \u201cI…understand.\u201d<\/p>\n

Arthur throws up his hands. \u201cWill anyone, ever, tell me what\u2019s going on?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n


\n<\/strong><\/p>\n

May the Circle Be Unbroken<\/h2>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s twenty more for me, el zippo for you.\u201d Remus grins and Sirius growls. \u201cGame\u2019s a bit off tonight, Padfoot.\u201d He pulls the darts from the board and adjusts his score.<\/p>\n

Sirius takes one of his darts and eyes it. \u201cYou sure these aren\u2019t bewitched?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo. But I\u2019m sure you\u2019re about as jumpy as a cat in a rocking chair factory.\u201d He laughs.<\/p>\n

\u201cA what? <\/em>Moony, where you come up with this shite, I\u2019ll never know.\u201d But he grins.<\/p>\n

Remus takes careful aim. \u201cHey, Sirius.\u201d He lets fly and crows when it lands in the bullseye.<\/p>\n

Sirius scowls. \u201cAnd you\u2019re not even really paying attention.\u201d<\/em> He throws his own, which embeds itself in the wall. \u201cAhhhhhhhhhh.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cMates! Yer grub\u2019s ready!\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus\u2019s hand jerks and his dart goes wide, landing beside Sirius\u2019s.<\/p>\n

\u201cAt last! Justice! I\u2019m going to pay the cook to call out every time you throw!\u201d Sirius does a little dance and Remus clouts him over the head.<\/p>\n

Remus returns to their table as Sirius wends his way through the crowded pub, two plates held above his head. He sits down and puts the plates down, then picks them up and switches them. \u201cYou <\/em>always like it so bloody rare.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cAnd you <\/em>always like it like a bicycle tire.\u201d Remus grins as hecuts into his steak.<\/p>\n

\u201cA chap likes to know there\u2019s a good distance between when the thing was on the hoof and when it\u2019s landing in his stomach.\u201d He cuts a huge piece and shoves it in his mouth, his cheeks bulging.<\/p>\n

\u201cMerlin\u2019s pants, Sirius, is that how you get all the women?\u201d He makes a face.<\/p>\n

Sirius chews. And chews. And chews.<\/p>\n

\u201cYup, that\u2019s why they love you, that.\u201d Remus spears a green bean.<\/p>\n

Sirius swallows. \u201cSpeaking <\/em>of women…\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201c\u2026which we were not…\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut we should <\/em>be, because there are some fine ones over there…\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus shakes his head. \u201cBut we\u2019re not, <\/em>because we\u2019re eating, <\/em>and you look like a wolf <\/em>when you eat, which I cannot get over the irony of…\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAw, come on, Moony. Give it a try.\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus stabs another bean and stares at his plate. \u201cYou know why that\u2019s a bad idea.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cListen. Nothing\u2019s a bad idea anymore.\u201d He jabs his fork at the crowd. \u201cLook at everyone. Out on a Friday night, a bit of nosh, some grog; you have to look for the good where you can.\u201d He cuts another huge bite of steak.<\/p>\n

\u201cJust so we\u2019re clear, if you choke, I\u2019m not saving you.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius grins. \u201cThat\u2019s what friends are for.\u201d He shoves the piece in.<\/p>\n

Remus smiles. \u201cLike a fucking hippogriff, you are.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius chews.<\/p>\n

Two women squeeze past their table. \u201c\u2019Scuse us! Sorry \u2013 place is packed, innit?\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius waves his hand, but his cheeks still bulge.<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah.\u201d Remus pulls his chair in further to let them pass.<\/p>\n

Sirius swallows. \u201cIdiot! <\/em>Why didn\u2019t you invite them to join us?\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus takes an exaggerated breath. \u201cYou knowwhy I don\u2019t date.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWho says you have to date? Just hang out! Play darts!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI am! With you!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAre you intentionally idiotic tonight?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMaybe.\u201d Remus reaches for the salt. \u201cBut say I play darts with them. Then there\u2019s that awkward moment where I\u2019m supposed to ask for a date, and I don\u2019t, and she\u2019s insulted.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy do you expect she\u2019s going to expect? That\u2019s a lot of expecting.\u201d Sirius shoves six green beans into his mouth.<\/p>\n

\u201cBecause that\u2019s what you <\/em>always do with women. And if you do, and I don\u2019t, then it\u2019s pretty awkward, yeah?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, I don\u2019t have <\/em>to. I don\u2019t even really want to tonight.\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus stares at him. \u201cAm I hearing you correctly?\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius shifts in his seat. \u201cI don\u2019t always want to.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cUnh hunh.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t! Sometimes it\u2019s nice just to…\u201d He stares over Remus\u2019s shoulder.<\/p>\n

\u201cTo what? Is this to do with Meliae?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo.\u201d He saws at his steak again.<\/p>\n

\u201cHas she taken you off the market?\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius takes another huge bite.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou will, eventually, have to swallow.\u201d Remus cracks up.<\/p>\n

\u201c\u2019At\u2019s not \u2018at <\/em>\u2018unny.\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus wipes his eyes. \u201cOh, but it is.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius swallows. \u201cShe\u2019s a goddess. No man\u2019s been lucky enough to be taken off the market by a goddess.\u201d His cheeks flame.<\/p>\n

\u201cAm I seeing this?\u201d<\/em> Remus leans across the table. \u201cAre you blushing?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Sirius bats his hand away. \u201cShut it, Remus.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHey! I\u2019m happy for you. Just…be careful.\u201d He grins. \u201cI\u2019d hate to see you turned into a toad.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShe wouldn\u2019t…\u201d He looks thoughtful. \u201cShe might.\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus cuts another bite of steak. \u201cAnyway, let\u2019s just you and me play darts tonight, yeah?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cRemus…\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus\u2019s eyes don\u2019t leave his steak. \u201cYes?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHave you evershagged anyone?\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus\u2019s knife slips off his steak and grinds against his plate.<\/p>\n

Sirius winces. \u201cUgh. That noise.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cSorry<\/em>, mate.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHave you?\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus rolls his eyes. \u201cDon\u2019t you think I would have told you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNot necessarily. I got taken to task once by the…Mrs….by…\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you mean Lily?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGod, Remus, is it ever going to…\u201d Sirius twists the front of his shirt.<\/p>\n

\u201cTo…\u201d<\/p>\n

He looks up, his eyes haunted. \u201cGet better? Any better? Or is it always going to be this black hole…\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus frowns. \u201cIt takes time, Sirius. It…\u201d He looks over Sirius\u2019s shoulder. \u201cIt takes time.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t have…\u201d Sirius bends over his steak and his knife is a blur.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou don\u2019t have time? Sirius, what else have you got?\u201d<\/p>\n

He bears down on the meat on his plate.<\/p>\n

\u201cSirius, what else…\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShe was mad at me for making you deal with my problems without helping you deal with yours.\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus eyes Sirius\u2019s knife, now cutting the bite into tiny, tiny pieces. \u201cSirius, what the hell are you talking about?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cRemus, please, I can\u2019t…\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHere\u2019s what I know. You did something. I don\u2019t know what it was, but I know it involved Meliae in her…more usual capacity. Dumbledore knows what it is and it involves other goddesses and somewhere with three trees and three moons. I know the letter is gone.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s…gone?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLily threw it away.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius can\u2019t get any air.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhich is supposed to be impossible. And now you say you have no time. It\u2019s not like you not to tell me the minutiae of everything going on in your life.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius\u2019s knife clatters on his plate. \u201cAnd isn\u2019t that not fair? That I make you carry my burdens right along with me, if I carry them at all? Haven\u2019t I used you as a pack horse long enough?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou have never seen that friends can help carry a burden without it being unfair.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI see that! I see it! But if you knew you were going to…\u201d He stops and his eyes fill.<\/p>\n

\u201cDie? I know I\u2019m going to die, Sirius.\u201d He leans forward, his eyes intent. \u201cIs that what\u2019s going to happen to you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know! I don\u2019t bloody know! It says…she says…they…\u201d His eyes are wild.<\/p>\n

Remus reaches across, his hand falling on Sirius\u2019s arm. \u201cIt\u2019s OK. Calm down.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s not<\/em> OK!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat is \u2018it\u2019?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt takes something, Remus, and I don\u2019t know what it is, or when it\u2019s going to happen!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat takes something?\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius waves a hand around. \u201cIt! They! The cloth! I don\u2019t know!\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus frowns. Then the color drains from his face. \u201cCloth? The…Fates? That\u2019s<\/em> who you saw?\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius nods, twisting his shirt again.<\/p>\n

\u201cJesus Christ.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, not quite, but close.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cStop joking.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m not.\u201d<\/p>\n

They sit together, the sounds swirling round them, leaving them behind.<\/p>\n

Remus taps his fork on his plate. \u201cThat nosy little…\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius jumps. \u201cWhat…\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLily. Talking about me behind my back like that.\u201d He looks at Sirius. \u201cSome friend.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius gives the ghost of a grin and when Remus grins back, Sirius\u2019s grin warms. \u201cYou know she loves you more than…well, a lot. She was off on a tear on me, and that came up as a lovely little side-note.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell. That\u2019s what I like to be. A side-note.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius cuts into his steak again. \u201cYou\u2019re impossible.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s what I\u2019ve been told.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t brag about that! It\u2019s sad!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cTrying to be compassionate about my position isn\u2019t fitting for you, Sirius.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius leans forward. \u201cAre you saying I\u2019m not compassionate?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLet\u2019s just say it\u2019s not the kind of thing I hang around for, hoping it\u2019ll come up.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou say that, knowing what I\u2019m living with? What I did for Lily?\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus hangs his head. \u201cOh, shit, Sirius. I take it all back. Fuck. You should punch my lights out.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMaybe I will.\u201d He leans back, a huge grin on his face. \u201cRight after I get you laid.\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus rolls his eyes. \u201cNow I recognize you again.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius scouts the crowd. \u201cHow about the witch…\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat, tonight?\u201d<\/em> He shakes his head. \u201cNo way, Sirius. No fucking way.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAw, come on, mate.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAre you doing this for me, or for you?\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius is looking through the crowd again. \u201cFor you, Remus.\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus sighs. \u201cAnd how do we make sure I don\u2019t end up killing the poor lass?\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius sobers. \u201cIt\u2019s half-way through the moon\u2019s cycle. You\u2019re at your strongest.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s no guarantee.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius fingers his fork. \u201cHow\u2019s it been going, then?\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus shrugs.<\/p>\n

\u201cI want to know, Remus. Really.\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus looks at him, then runs a hand through his hair. \u201cWell, to be honest, not great. It\u2019s like this great bloody beast in me and it\u2019s all mixed up with my thoughts, my feelings, and I have a damned hard time sometimes figuring out if it\u2019s me, or if the person in front of me really deserves to die.\u201d He half-laughs.<\/p>\n

Sirius\u2019s gaze lowers to the table. \u201cIt\u2019s the same for me. These thoughts \u2013 it\u2019s like I have a feeling, and then there are these thoughts that run into my head, and if I follow the thoughts, I\u2019m…fucked.\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus looks at Sirius. \u201cBut you said once you\u2019d figured those thoughts out.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius sighs. \u201cI know what I said. And it\u2019s much easier than it was. But I don\u2019t think I\u2019ll ever totally figure them out. Lily ended the growth of the curse, but it still changes its influence from time to time, and I have to re-learn its edges.\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus\u2019s brows draw together. \u201cYeah. That\u2019s it exactly. I think I\u2019ve got something down, then something else comes up. I\u2019ve been practicing ignoring my thoughts, just trying to feel the feeling. It doesn\u2019t get so big, then.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cReally? How do you do that?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, I just notice when my thoughts go crazy. And then I try to fuzz out my mind.\u201d He frowns. \u201cNo, that\u2019s not really it \u2013 I notice my thoughts going crazy, and I…\u201d He grins. \u201cI look at the wall.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius, who had been leaning over the table, leans back. \u201cYou look at the wall. This is what you say to me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo \u2013 I mean, yes, I look at the wall, and I realize I\u2019m…wherever I am. I\u2019m not…the thoughts aren\u2019t real.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd then what?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd then, nothing. Then it\u2019s just a feeling. Not attached to anything.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd then <\/em>what?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd then it\u2019s either there, or not, but I can get moving again, because the feeling is just…it\u2019s just a habit. It doesn\u2019t have anything to do with what\u2019s really going on around me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut…it doesn\u2019t work when you\u2019re with a…\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt doesn\u2019t always work, period.\u201d Remus looks down. \u201cSo I\u2019m afraid to try. If I can\u2019t get out of the thoughts…\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius puts a hand on Remus\u2019s shoulder. \u201cI didn\u2019t realize…I\u2019m sorry. I shouldn\u2019t have…you should punch my lights out.\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus gives a wan smile. \u201cSo we\u2019re even, is what you\u2019re saying.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius touches his back. \u201cI think…I think I\u2019ll try your strategy.\u201d He hunches over his plate. \u201cYou know James is going into hiding with Lily and Harry.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, I know that.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m still an Auror.\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus\u2019s hand pauses over his plate, his fork piled with green beans. \u201cYou are.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe and I were going to…I mean, because of what we do…\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSpit it out, Sirius.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe were going to talk…to each other…about what we were seeing. You know. On the job.\u201d He stuffs a bite of steak into his mouth.<\/p>\n

Remus\u2019s fork sinks to his plate. \u201cOh. I see. And now you can\u2019t…\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius chews and swallows. \u201cWell, I still can, but it\u2019s more \u2013 it\u2019s going to be different.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, it will be different for you without having James there.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah. So I want to…I wondered if you\u2019d be willing to…\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe can keep talking like this. If it\u2019s helpful to you.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius reaches over and touches Remus\u2019s shoulder, then lets his hand drop. \u201cThanks, Remus. I…we can keep talking like this if it\u2019s helpful to you, too.\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus smiles. \u201cWhat\u2019s gotten into you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re my friend.\u201d Sirius looks at him. \u201cI value that.\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus\u2019s eyes are bright. \u201cI do, too, Sirius. I do, too.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n


\n<\/strong><\/p>\n

Waiting<\/h2>\n

A few months later<\/em><\/p>\n

Sirius sits in the small square of sunlight that pours in through the window in his kitchen. Cars rumble by below his second-story flat and the crash and bang of the garbage truck echoes up from the alleyway behind. His breakfast dishes sit unwashed in the sink and the egg container and bread still lean together on the counter. A cup of tea steams in front of him but his eyes are on the clouds outside.<\/p>\n

A clock ticks on the wall and Sirius taps the fingers of one hand in time to it, adding little extra beats, his fingers dancing on the table top.<\/p>\n

He is smiling.<\/p>\n

He holds a photo in the other hand. On it a tiny boy zooms into and out of the frame on a toy broomstick.<\/p>\n

In a short time Remus will knock on his door and they will go out, maybe Apparate to Diagon Alley and kick it around, maybe head down to a pub. Then he\u2019ll think about some dinner and ask Remus if he wants to join him.<\/p>\n

He sees a spot way up there, moving against the cloud he is watching…it swoops closer and closer. His fingers still. His heart jumps into his throat. He gets up, putting the photo on the table. He presses a finger to it, touching the tiny figure, then turns back to the owl.<\/p>\n

He reaches up to open the window and the huge snowy bird flaps in, landing on the back of his chair.<\/p>\n

\u201cSomething for me?\u201d He takes the remnants of bacon from his plate and feeds them to the owl. It clicks its beak in thanks and holds out its leg. Sirius unties the letter with fumbling fingers and the owl launches itself back through the window.<\/p>\n

He turns the letter over and sees her script on the front. He sinks into his chair, his lips moving in silent supplication. He slides a finger under the wax seal.<\/p>\n

Dear Sirius \u2013<\/em><\/p>\n

I know I just wrote you to thank you for Harry\u2019s birthday present, but I wanted to thank you for something else, and it didn\u2019t fit in with that letter.<\/em><\/p>\n

He closes his eyes and rubs a shaking hand down his cheek, then looks down again.<\/p>\n

I threw the letter away. I mean, I was <\/em>able to throw it away. It was a while ago now, back when everything looked much darker, but I didn\u2019t know how to talk to you about it then, so I\u2019m doing it now.<\/em><\/p>\n

I don\u2019t know what you did, but James and Remus are tight-lipped and all I know is that when I let go of the letter, it fell away from me and <\/em>stayed away. <\/em><\/p>\n

You\u2019re still alive. I guess I\u2019ll never understand how you did it. But I wanted to thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for this gift. <\/em><\/p>\n

It\u2019s still sometimes rough for us, but we\u2019ve been talking to each other on a different level than ever before. Something shattered between us, something that was old and no longer useful. It was in the way and we couldn\u2019t even see it. But there is no creation without pain, so I guess that\u2019s just part of the territory.<\/em><\/p>\n

I meant it when I said you should come see James more often. No one else can take the place in his life that you hold. And continue to hold. He is struggling with our confinement, now that he can only work on the bits and pieces others bring. This cottage is beautiful, but I think he finds it a beautiful prison. <\/em><\/p>\n

Love to you, my friend \u2013<\/em><\/p>\n

Lily<\/em><\/p>\n

He reads it over and over, each and every word, skipping none. He looks up and lets it fall to the table. He smiles and his eyes shine. He takes up the picture and puts it in the middle of the first letter and folds it up, pressing the creases to sharpen them, moving his hand over the surface once more.<\/p>\n

The smile falters.<\/p>\n

Someone does pay. The breaker pays. The Vow knows what is most precious to you. <\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat is most precious…\u201d He looks again out the window.<\/p>\n

Hands descend on his shoulders and he jumps. \u201cMeliae!\u201d<\/p>\n

She giggles. \u201cSorry, love.\u201d Her hands slide around his neck, then descend to his chest. \u201cCan\u2019t help it. It\u2019s my fucking nature.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt doesn\u2019t have <\/em>to be.\u201d But he takes her hands in his.<\/p>\n

She leans down and, pushing aside his hair with her nose, kisses the back of his neck. \u201cBusy?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMeliae…\u201d<\/p>\n

She noses up through his hair. \u201cMmmm?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMeliae…how long? Do I have?\u201d<\/p>\n

She stops. \u201cI can\u2019t say.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s going to happen?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cCan\u2019t say.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cCan you give me a hint? I\u2019m going mental here, jumping at my shadow, just waiting…\u201d<\/p>\n

She stands upright and pulls him around in his chair, cradling his head to her chest. \u201cDon\u2019t wait.\u201d<\/p>\n

He snakes his arms around her waist. \u201cThat is not a whole hell of a lot of help.\u201d His voice is muffled.<\/p>\n

\u201cSirius, it will come. But you will know neither the day nor the hour.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re<\/em> going to quote scripture at me?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI knew the person who said that. It applies directly to you, now.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow can I live my life when every second I expect…\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSirius, everyone dies.\u201d<\/p>\n

He explodes out of his chair. \u201cI\u2019m going to die<\/em>?\u201d<\/p>\n

She rolls her eyes. \u201cEveryone dies.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou <\/em>don\u2019t!\u201d<\/p>\n

She clucks her tongue. \u201cYou\u2019re being difficult.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m waiting to lose what\u2019s most important to me, every single second of every single day, you say I\u2019m going to die,<\/em>and you say I\u2019m being difficult?<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n

She puts her hands on her hips. \u201cFine. All mortals <\/em>die, <\/em>Sirius. I\u2019m trying <\/em>to make a point. But they don\u2019t wander through their days, scared of their own shadows, just…waiting<\/em> to die.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOnly because they haven\u2019t done something like what I\u2019ve done!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOnly because they can\u2019t face the reality of their own mortality. They would live differently, if they did. Like you are.\u201d She moves to him and runs her fingers up his arm to his throat, then pushes him back until he is pressed against the wall. She leans forward, licking him on the soft spot that throbs in time with his heart.<\/p>\n

He lets his head fall back against the wall. \u201cYou\u2019re going to seduce me in the same sentence you remind me of my mortality?\u201d<\/p>\n

She presses herself against him. \u201cMmmm. Mortal male.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMerlin, you\u2019re sick, I tell you.\u201d<\/p>\n

She slips her finger into her mouth, then skips it up his neck.<\/p>\n

He groans. \u201cS-Stop that.\u201d<\/p>\n

Her tongue follows the same path.<\/p>\n

\u201cMeliae, I\u2019m…scared.\u201d<\/p>\n

Her teeth close over his earlobe. \u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDammit, can you…\u201d<\/p>\n

Her hands wander him.<\/p>\n

He trembles. \u201cWhy do you always do this when I\u2019m feeling terrible?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s when you\u2019re actually feeling something that I find you the most beautiful.\u201d She runs her hands up under his shirt.<\/p>\n

His hands form fists, but her butterfly touch loosens them and he wraps them around her shoulders. His lips find hers and for a moment, time spins out around them, leaving them behind.<\/p>\n

He pulls back. \u201cI\u2019m in love with you, you know.\u201d<\/p>\n

She smiles. \u201cAnd I have loved you for a thousand thousand lifetimes. Don\u2019t be frightened, my love. This thread ends, this thread continues.\u201d Her hands follow the hard curve of his ribs.<\/p>\n

\u201cPlease. No threads right now.\u201d His breathing is erratic. \u201cWill you…stay with me? Tonight? Please?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI would stay with you every night of your existence if I could.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd why can\u2019t you?\u201d<\/p>\n

Her hands drift lower. \u201cIt is not the way of things.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGod, Meliae, I\u2019m being peeled alive…\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt is a gift, this peeling.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou are a gift. To me.\u201d His head comes down and his hands cup her breasts.<\/p>\n

She groans into his mouth and the time for talking is done.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

It isn\u2019t until the next morning, when he stumbles into the bathroom, that he realizes the curse scar is gone.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n


\n<\/strong><\/p>\n

Recompense. For All My Crimes of Self-Defense.<\/h2>\n

(from Mirror in the Bathroom<\/em> by English Beat)<\/p>\n

Crack! Crack! Crack!<\/em><\/p>\n

Lily drops the knife.<\/p>\n

Before she can get her hand on it, James is there. He deposits it on the counter and wraps his arms around her.<\/p>\n

She leans her head against his chest.<\/p>\n

\u201cBreathe, Lily. It\u2019s OK.\u201d He smoothes the hair away from her temple and kisses that soft spot.<\/p>\n

The door opens and Remus, Peter, and Sirius spill into the entryway. Peter and Remus are laughing and Sirius is doing what looks like laughing, but his eyes dart around the space until they rest on James and Lily and his laugh hollows.<\/p>\n

James grins and moves forward. \u201cGits.\u201d He slaps Peter on the back and moves to Remus, who pulls him into a hug. He turns to Sirius, his arms out. Sirius steps into them and what looks like a shiver passes down his spine.<\/p>\n

There is a fumbling of jackets and hooks.<\/p>\n

James looks behind them. \u201cWhere\u2019s Meliae?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShe\u2019ll…she\u2019s a bit late.\u201d Sirius turns and looks into the night. \u201cShe said she\u2019d meet me at my flat, but…\u201d<\/p>\n

Peter giggles. \u201cShe gives me the willies.\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus moves into the little living room. \u201cIf she didn\u2019t, I\u2019d question whether you were alive.\u201d He looks around. \u201cHmm. New arrangement. Lily, you\u2019ve done a great job of it. This cottage suits you.\u201d<\/p>\n

She leans against the wall. \u201cTh-thanks, Remus.\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus takes in her pale face and is at her side. \u201cHey, Lil. Breathe.\u201d<\/p>\n

The ghost of a smile crosses her lips. \u201cThat\u2019s what James said.\u201d<\/p>\n

Peter trips over the edge of the rug into the room. \u201cLily! Hi! What smells so good in the kitchen?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHi, Peter. It\u2019s just stir-fry.\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus pulls her hands up, his eyes on her fingers. \u201cAh. That\u2019s good. Or did James cut up the veg?\u201d<\/p>\n

She giggles and pulls her hands free, then moves out to Peter, giving Remus\u2019s arm a last squeeze. \u201cPeter.\u201d She hugs him and gives him a quick peck on the cheek. \u201cWhere have you been? It feels like ages since I\u2019ve seen you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, been busy, you know?\u201d He wipes his forehead. \u201cThere\u2019s lots to do, Lily.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t I know it.\u201d She turns to Sirius, who has entered with James. \u201cS-Sirius.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLily.\u201d<\/p>\n

James pulls Sirius forward. Sirius raises his arms and lowers them and Lily takes a step back. James glances at Remus. Remus shrugs.<\/p>\n

Peter pulls a bottle of wine from his jacket pocket. \u201cI brought this!\u201d He looks at the label. \u201cIt\u2019s supposed to be good. I don\u2019t know. They said at the pub. But you…you never know.\u201d He hands it to Lily.<\/p>\n

Remus sees it shake in her hand and reaches for it. \u201cI\u2019ll open it. Thanks, Peter.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh. Sure.\u201d<\/p>\n

Lily takes it back from Remus. \u201cThat\u2019s great, Peter. Thanks.\u201d She retreats to the kitchen.<\/p>\n

James and Sirius glance at each other and James sighs, then sits on the couch. \u201cHave a seat. Or are we going to stand around all night?\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus laughs. \u201cNot me.\u201d He falls next to James.<\/p>\n

Sirius sits in a chair and Peter looks around, then sits in the other chair.<\/p>\n

There\u2019s a knock at the door.<\/p>\n

Sirius\u2019s eyes light up and James grins. \u201cThe goddess descends.\u201d He gets up and opens the door.<\/p>\n

\u201cJames.\u201d Her voice rings through the entry way.<\/p>\n

\u201cMeliae. Thanks for coming tonight.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah.\u201d She looks him up and down. \u201cYou don\u2019t look pale, I\u2019ll give you that.\u201d<\/p>\n

James\u2019s grin freezes.<\/p>\n

She pushes past him into the living room and stops as her eyes find Peter. She smiles, showing all her teeth.<\/p>\n

He shudders.<\/p>\n

\u201cNot busy tonight?\u201d Her voice trills.<\/p>\n

\u201cN-No, Meliae.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cTook time off for your friends?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes. It\u2019s nice to be here.\u201d His hands twist in his lap.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sure it is.\u201d She looks around and her eyes light up as she gets to Remus. \u201cAh! Now it\u2019s a pleasure.\u201d She takes his hands in hers and squeezes.<\/p>\n

Remus\u2019s grin is warm. \u201cHello, Meliae.\u201d He holds her hands close to his chest. \u201cIt\u2019s a pleasure to see you, too.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd you mean it. That\u2019s the nice part.\u201d She leans in and kisses his cheek. \u201cRemus. May good things happen to you for many lifetimes.\u201d<\/p>\n

He laughs. \u201cThat would be nice.\u201d<\/p>\n

She releases him and turns to Sirius. She glides to him, her body liquid, and he reaches for her. She presses her forehead against his and he holds on to her.<\/p>\n

Remus clears his throat and Peter blushes.<\/p>\n

Sirius pulls away. \u201cS-Sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n

James laughs. \u201cWhy? Because a beautiful, powerful…woman…loves you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah. I…\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus pulls Peter to his feet. \u201cLet\u2019s go help the Missus.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, no you don\u2019t.\u201d Meliae puts a hand on Remus\u2019s chest. \u201cLet the,\u201d she eyes James, \u201c\u2018women\u2019 take care of that.\u201d Her laugh trails behind her as she disappears into the kitchen.<\/p>\n

\u201cIs she safe in there?\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius looks at James. \u201cWhen is she ever \u2018safe\u2019?\u201d<\/p>\n

*~*<\/p>\n

Lily startles as Meliae appears at her elbow. \u201cOh! Oh. Hi, Meliae.\u201d She moves down to make room.<\/p>\n

Meliae eyes the knife. \u201cHow \u2018bout I do that?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo one trusts me with a knife.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, well, can you tell why?\u201d She waves her fingers and the knife morphs into a snake.<\/p>\n

Lily drops it with a squeak. \u201cAnd that\u2019s <\/em>less dangerous?\u201d<\/p>\n

Meliae flicks her hand and the snake disappears. \u201cRight now, yes.\u201d Reaching for the wine, she uncorks it and looks around.<\/p>\n

Lily takes two wine glasses from a cabinet.<\/p>\n

Meliae pours a generous portion in each glass. \u201cLooks like a good night for getting smashed.\u201d She lofts her glass, tips it toward Lily, and drinks it down. She studies the last drops at the bottom of her glass, then looks at Lily. \u201cHe\u2019s right. It\u2019s a good year.\u201d<\/p>\n

Lily avoids her eyes. \u201cMeliae…\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, Lily?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI was wondering…\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, Lily?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThis isn\u2019t the first time you and I have seen each other since…\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, Lily?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cStop saying <\/em>that!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThen say <\/em>something! I\u2019m getting old here. Well, you<\/em> are.\u201d<\/p>\n

Lily sets her jaw. \u201cYou haven\u2019t ever said anything. To me. About what happened.\u201d<\/p>\n

Meliae studies her face. \u201cDo you want me to?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI imagine you have something<\/em> to say.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNot before you drink up.\u201d<\/p>\n

Lily brings her glass to her lips but puts it down again. \u201cI want to remember what you\u2019re going to say.\u201d<\/p>\n

Meliae grins. \u201cYou\u2019re so much smarter than they are.\u201d<\/p>\n

Lily tries to grin.<\/p>\n

Meliae lounges against the counter. \u201cSo you want me to be angry with you for sleeping with Sirius.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t see how you can\u2019t be.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m not.\u201d<\/p>\n

Lily purses her lips.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m not.<\/em> Sirius…\u201d Meliae looks up, over Lily\u2019s shoulder. \u201cSirius has been with thousands of women. And…\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThousands?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cYes. Oh. I see.\u201d She stops for a moment, her eyes still far away. \u201cOver the lifetimes. I can\u2019t always get to him right away, so he has time to do what he wants.\u201d She pours herself more wine. \u201cWhen you have a love like ours, a few other women, well…\u201d She swirls the wine in her glass.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh my God. <\/em>If I had to stand back and watch…\u201d Her eyes close. She opens them again. \u201cHow…long have you been together?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSince the beginning.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOf…\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOf the beginning.\u201d<\/p>\n

Lily ponders her wine, still untouched. \u201cCan I ask you something?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSure.\u201d Meliae grins.<\/p>\n

\u201cIs he always a…a…a mortal?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd you\u2019re always…you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGot that right, sister.\u201d Meliae smirks.<\/p>\n

\u201cSo he doesn\u2019t…he can\u2019t live forev…\u201d She clears her throat. \u201cDoesn\u2019t…doesn\u2019t it kill you? When you remember…and you come to him…and he doesn\u2019t?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMemory. A tricky thing.\u201d She swirls her wine again. \u201cHere is a mind, memories in it, and then…\u201d She takes a sip. \u201cIt goes into another container. And that container…well, it doesn\u2019t know where the wine came from. But it knows it\u2019s there.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut not consciously.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBetter. Deep down, he recognizes me. He always does. Haven\u2019t you ever met anyone you felt so close to, right off, and you can\u2019t explain it?\u201d<\/p>\n

Lily looks down and nods.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s what I\u2019m talking about. If you saw the threads…\u201d Her eyes glow. \u201cSomething is stored there. Forever. It never goes away.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAre James and I…have we been together? For a long time?\u201d<\/p>\n

Meliae\u2019s eyes snap back. \u201cCan\u2019t tell.\u201d She downs her wine.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou don\u2019t know, or you won\u2019t tell me?\u201d<\/p>\n

Meliae laughs. \u201cSo much smarter than they are.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou must…miss him. During those times.\u201d<\/p>\n

Meliae\u2019s eyes flash black and she lowers her glass to the counter. \u201cThere are…lifetimes…when I miss Sirius.\u201d<\/p>\n

She takes Meliae\u2019s hands in hers. \u201cOh, Meliae, why wait at all, any lifetime?\u201d<\/p>\n

Meliae allows her to hold them for a moment, then takes them away. \u201cSometimes he\u2019s not ready yet. Sometimes…I have to watch him. Live a life. Or two. Or a dozen.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHave <\/em>to? What do you mean?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThis thread is heavy. This thread must be light.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo you have <\/em>to regulate? You can never<\/em> act freely? Then why…<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThere is no why. <\/em>There only is.<\/em>\u201d Red streaks through her hair.<\/p>\n

Lily takes a step back.<\/p>\n

She smoothes her hair. \u201cNot mad at you.\u201d Something unreadable crosses her face and she bows her head. \u201cMy sisters weave. My other sisters and I balance. We have no…will. It is the will of the Cloth.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThe will of the…so you, a goddess, have no choice? No freedom?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDo we…do mortals have…?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou have choice. You have no freedom.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow is choice not freedom?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cEvery choice follows the rules. There is no freedom from that.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat rules?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThe rules of cause and effect. Every choice \u2013 a cause and an effect. Choice is only the illusion <\/em>of freedom.\u201d<\/p>\n

Lily stares into her wine. \u201cOh.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou see, do you not?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes. It\u2019s like a tree \u2013 I choose this branch instead of that one and I follow it and not the other, but the branches…they\u2019re all already there.\u201d<\/p>\n

Meliae grins. \u201cSo much smarter than they are.\u201d<\/p>\n

She swallows. \u201cWhy…why did you date James in school?\u201d<\/p>\n

Meliae wiggles her fingers and the knife reappears. Her hands blur as she chops the rest of the vegetables. \u201cThere.\u201d<\/p>\n

Lily twists her fingers together. \u201cI\u2019m sorry. I shouldn\u2019t have…\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou needed a push.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI…I <\/em>needed a push?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes. You needed to see that, some day, someone was going to say \u2018yes.\u2019 You needed to see how that felt to you.\u201d<\/p>\n

Lily\u2019s jaw drops. \u201cSo you do <\/em>meddle!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow is that not meddling?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAs I said, I do not follow my will.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou didn\u2019t want to be with him? At the time?\u201d<\/p>\n

She stares at Lily. \u201cEverything is interdependent. There is no \u2018want.\u2019 There is only the Cloth.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo even being with Sirius is only to balance the cloth?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cEverything \u2013 everything, Lily \u2013 is to balance the Cloth.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThen why do you hate James so much now?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t hate him.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, you sure act like you do.\u201d<\/p>\n

She laughs, flashing her teeth. \u201cHe is with you. It is Woven. There cannot be an alternative for him.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOtherwise…he would…want you. Forever.\u201d Lily presses her hands to her glass to keep them from shaking. \u201cMerlin, Meliae, what man doesn\u2019t?\u201d<\/p>\n

She appraises Lily, then molds a hand to Lily\u2019s cheek. \u201cYou are a good woman. A good wife. And a good mother. I cannot be any of those things.\u201d She reaches for the wine and refills her glass.<\/p>\n

Lily blushes. \u201cI\u2019d better see that everyone gets some.\u201d She pulls more glasses down and fills them, arranging them on a tray, then rearranging them.<\/p>\n

\u201cLily, just go out there.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes. I know.\u201d She moves one glass over.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s hardest the first time.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd then it gets easier.\u201d<\/p>\n

Lily traces the edge of a glass. \u201cThe waiting. For Sirius. Each time.\u201d<\/p>\n

Meliae goes completely still.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou love him, regardless of whether or not it \u2018balances the cloth.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

Meliae nods.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt eats you alive. I can see that, now.\u201d<\/p>\n

She looks down and nods again.<\/p>\n

Lily watches Meliae reach for her glass and notices her hand shaking. \u201cMeliae…how can you stand to be out of the room, away from him, for one moment?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI…I can\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n

Lily reaches out and crooks a finger through one of Meliae\u2019s. \u201cThat\u2019s…very human of you.\u201d<\/p>\n

Meliae\u2019s eyes widen and a soft smile plays at the corners of her mouth. Then she shakes her head and pulls away. \u201cYou don\u2019t have much time. Stop wasting<\/em> it.\u201d<\/p>\n

Lily lets her go. \u201cWe\u2019ve still got until midnight or so. Harry is at James\u2019s mum\u2019s.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMm hm.\u201d Meliae reaches over and rubs her fingers together over one of the glasses. \u201cMake sure Peter gets that one.\u201d<\/p>\n

Lily stares at her. \u201cWhat did you do to it?\u201d<\/p>\n

Meliae laughs. \u201cOh, nothing. But it\u2019ll be important. Later.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLater. With a big orange cat.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMeliae…\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThank you. For…\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cEverything?\u201d<\/p>\n

Lily smiles. \u201cYes. For everything.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThank you, too.\u201d Meliae peeks through her lashes. \u201cLily.\u201d<\/p>\n

*~*<\/p>\n

The men are crowded together over a chart on the coffee table when they reenter.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019ll be the Chudley Cannons this year. Look at their line-up!\u201d James smacks his hand on the table.<\/p>\n

\u201cBollocks. It\u2019ll be the Irish. No way to factor out Gridley O\u2019Callaghan.\u201d Sirius nods.<\/p>\n

Peter looks at Remus. \u201cDon\u2019t you think…oh!\u201d He scurries over to the women and reaches for the tray.<\/p>\n

\u201cNot a chance. Take this one and go sit.\u201d Meliae floats the glass to Peter and turns to the others. \u201cWine!\u201d<\/p>\n

Hands come up but heads stay down.<\/p>\n

\u201cTypical.\u201d Lily distributes the glasses and sits on the couch. She presses her foot under James\u2019s thigh and he reaches down, rubbing it as he continues arguing with Remus and Sirius.<\/p>\n

Sirius takes a swallow and stops, looking at his glass. \u201cGood stuff, Peter. Where\u2019d you get it?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLeaky Cauldron.\u201d Peter glows.<\/p>\n

\u201cMmm. He\u2019s got that cellar he\u2019s so secretive about. This from that?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes! He took me down there and let me see! It\u2019s amazing \u2013 he has so many bottles, and some of them just centuries old, and…\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius makes a face. \u201cI don\u2019t want any centuries-old wine, thanks all the same.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo! Not wine. Other stuff. Firewhisky and such. Some of it is burning right there in the bottle!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh.\u201d Sirius takes another drink and turns back to Remus and James, then lifts his head again. \u201cWhat\u2019s the occasion?\u201d<\/p>\n

Peter sinks off the chair onto his knees and scuffles over to the table. Remus budges over. \u201cIt\u2019s…I don\u2019t know. I felt like…it\u2019s been so long since all of us have gotten together. All at once.\u201d<\/p>\n

There is a pause in the conversation.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd I thought it was so nice, that I would…bring something special.\u201d His voice is quieter and quieter.<\/p>\n

Remus looks at James. James looks at Sirius.<\/p>\n

Sirius glances at Lily and then takes another drink. \u201cGuess you\u2019re right.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s been so hard, since…since…\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius finishes his wine and puts the glass on the table rather harder than necessary. \u201cSpit it, Wormtail.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cUm…\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, for Christ\u2019s sake. Since I fairly spectacularly broke all my best friends\u2019 trust.\u201d Sirius slumps over the table.<\/p>\n

Lily is frozen and James\u2019s hand is tight around her foot.<\/p>\n

Meliae takes another sip. \u201cWell, that\u2019s made it interesting, love.\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus clears his throat. \u201cAnybody have anything else they\u2019d like to say?\u201d<\/p>\n

James\u2019s hand comes off Lily\u2019s foot and finds his glass. He downs half his wine.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m…I\u2019m really uncomfortable and I wish to hell I wasn\u2019t.\u201d Lily buries herself in her glass.<\/p>\n

Sirius blows out a breath. \u201cWell, that\u2019s hit the nail on the head.\u201d<\/p>\n

James downs the other half. \u201cCould break a board on my shoulders, I guess.\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus leans back on his hands. \u201cI\u2019m all for not pretending this is an ordinary evening, but we can\u2019t spend it jumping at shadows.\u201d<\/p>\n

James is fingering the Quidditch sheet. \u201cAll right. Let\u2019s just go around the room and everyone say whatever…whatever it is you want to say.\u201d He looks at Remus.<\/p>\n

Remus looks at Lily.<\/p>\n

Lily looks at Sirius.<\/p>\n

Sirius looks at the ceiling.<\/p>\n

Meliae laughs.<\/p>\n

\u201cI want everything to be like it was!\u201d<\/p>\n

Meliae eyes Peter. \u201cInteresting.\u201d<\/p>\n

Peter\u2019s face is a new shade of crimson. \u201cI…I mean…I think Sirius was s-stupid, and Lily too, but I think they were stressed out and…and…pressure can…do…strange things.\u201d<\/p>\n

Meliae\u2019s eyes don\u2019t leave his face.<\/p>\n

James is rolling the edge of the base of his glass on the table. \u201cI feel like I\u2019m walking on eggshells. I don\u2019t know what to say with both of you in the room. I think I need time to get used to being around…you both again.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo shiny fish there. Nice work.\u201d They all turn to look at Meliae, who opens her eyes wide. \u201cJust an expression.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius closes his eyes. \u201cIt\u2019s like there\u2019s an electric fence in here and I keep running into it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYup.\u201d Remus sits forward again. \u201cI\u2019m watching the three of you wearing the most godawful leering grins and it\u2019s horrible.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius slams his fists on the table. \u201cSo is that it, then? It\u2019s ruined? It\u2019s just over?\u201d<\/p>\n

Lily rolls her eyes. \u201cMerlin\u2019s pants, Sirius. Stop being so dramatic.\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus grins. \u201cThat\u2019s the old Lily right there.\u201d<\/p>\n

Meliae fills Lily\u2019s glass with wine again. \u201cAnd you thought I was kidding about the wine.\u201d She hands Remus the bottle.<\/p>\n

He pours himself another glass. \u201cHmm. This should be almost empty.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShould be, shouldn\u2019t it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat did you do?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNothing. Just made sure it wouldn\u2019t be empty.\u201d<\/p>\n

Remus looks at his glass. \u201cHow is this going to help? Getting us all drunk isn\u2019t going to solve this problem. It\u2019s going to make it worse, because we\u2019ll all just be running from what we need to look at.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMmm. Drink.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI won\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n

She narrows her eyes and leans forward.<\/p>\n

Remus leans back. \u201cAll right, Meliae, all right. No need to frighten the mortals.\u201d He picks up his glass and takes a sip. His eyes light up. \u201cWhat is <\/em>this?\u201d He takes a bigger drink.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s wine. But it\u2019s…taken at the right time. In the right way. With the right people.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius tips his head. \u201cThat sounds like Socrates.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGreat old wizard, he was.\u201d Meliae beams.<\/p>\n

Remus takes a deep breath. \u201c\u00c0 votre sant\u00e9, my friends.\u201d He downs the drink in three swallows.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, I\u2019ve never known you to be wrong, love.\u201d Sirius tips his glass at Meliae and follows suit.<\/p>\n

James looks at Sirius, then at Lily. \u201cHere\u2019s to…whatever happens next.\u201d He hesitates. \u201cMeliae…\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s not tea,<\/em> James.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAh.\u201d He eyes it one more time before downing it.<\/p>\n

Lily\u2019s fingers tremble, but she brings the cup to her lips and drinks.<\/p>\n

Peter looks at his glass like it is filled with blood. \u201cI…\u201d<\/p>\n

Meliae\u2019s eyes flash. \u201cDrink it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI…\u201d<\/p>\n

Red pulses through her hair. \u201cDrink.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n

His gaze scurries around the room, then flashes out the window before turning back to her. \u201cWhat did you do to it?\u201d<\/p>\n

She has followed every motion of his eyes. \u201cYou drink that. Or I\u2019ll make your insides your outsides.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius puts a hand on her thigh. \u201cJesus, Meliae. Cut Peter a break. He\u2019s not used to–\u201d<\/p>\n

She wipes his hand off and stands up, advancing on Peter. Her fingers curl into claws and her face changes shape.<\/p>\n

Peter screams.<\/p>\n

Remus\u2019s hand is half-way to his mouth, Sirius is reaching out to Meliae, Lily is pressed back against the pillows of the couch, and James is moving in front of her when everyone freezes in place.<\/p>\n

\u201cDrink it, mortal, or I shall change fully into what I am and scorch your eyes from your head.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Peter is frantic, scuttling away from her into a corner under the window.<\/p>\n

\u201cThey are out there. They are watching you.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI…I know! I know! I don\u2019t…I can\u2019t…!\u201d<\/p>\n

She raises her arm and two huge flashes of light fill the front yard. Death Eaters scream and stagger about, blinded.<\/p>\n

Peter hiccups and tears pour down his face. \u201cMeliae…please…help me…\u201d He reaches a hand out to her.<\/p>\n

\u201cThere is no help. There only is. You will follow your thread. It is Woven.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cOh, God, Meliae, what am I going to do?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou will do as you have chosen to do. One thread is heavy. Another is light.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cPlease…p-please…what does that mean?\u201d<\/p>\n

She brings her arms to her sides and closes her eyes. Her face shifts back, but her hair is black. When she opens her eyes they glow black as well. \u201cIt means what it means.\u201d She floats his glass over to him.<\/p>\n

He yanks it out of the air, spilling some on the carpet. He sucks it down then gasps for air. \u201cWhat is it, Meliae? What is it going to do to me?\u201d<\/p>\n

She smiles, but it is like nothing he has ever seen before. \u201cThere is no place for you here tonight. You will make your excuses and you will leave.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut…these are my friends…I love…\u201d<\/p>\n

Her eyes and hair swirl from black to red. Sparks fill the air around her. \u201cDo not speak of love.\u201d Her smile widens and her sharp teeth glint in the light. \u201cIt is a word beyond your ken.\u201d<\/p>\n

He drops the glass on the floor and it shatters.<\/p>\n

She waves a hand and it reforms. \u201cYou will leave here. You will not sully what transpires in this home tonight.\u201d Another move of her hand and he is back in his chair. \u201cAnd you will speak of this to no one. I will know if it is otherwise.\u201d Her eyes and hair return to normal.<\/p>\n

\u201cY-Yes, Meliae, I \u2013 I \u2013 I\u2019ll go, yes, all right, that\u2019s what \u2013 that\u2019s what you want \u2013 that\u2019s what…\u201d<\/p>\n

She raises her hand and Sirius\u2019s leap concludes. He takes her by the arms and pulls her to his chest. She molds herself to him, her eyes still on Peter.<\/p>\n

James moves fully in front of Lily and holds her behind him. Remus covers his mouth, his eyes huge.<\/p>\n

\u201cSorry! Sorry. Didn\u2019t mean to get scary.<\/em>\u201d Meliae looks at Remus and grins. \u201cI\u2019ll just sit down, then.\u201d She breaks Sirius\u2019s hold without even trying and flounces back to the couch.<\/p>\n

\u201cJesus, love. Really.\u201d Sirius sinks down next to her and takes her hand. \u201cDon\u2019t do that.\u201d His is shaking.<\/p>\n

\u201cSorry. Sorry.\u201d She kisses his cheek.<\/p>\n

\u201cW-Well,\u201d Peter stands. \u201cI \u2013 I have to go.\u201d<\/p>\n

There is a tumult of refusal.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, no, really, I have to…\u201d His eyes flit to Meliae and away. \u201cI have a busy day, tomorrow, there are lots of things…\u201d He flies to the entryway and grabs his jacket.<\/p>\n

They follow him and the entryway fills with goodbyes. Only Meliae stays away, her eyes never leaving Peter\u2019s face.<\/p>\n

After the door closes, they drift back to the living room, each one quiet.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat was weird.\u201d Remus rubs his jaw.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo really.\u201d Lily shakes her head. \u201cHe\u2019s been coming and going at weird times a lot lately.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah.\u201d Sirius is thoughtful. \u201cIt\u2019s true.\u201d<\/p>\n

James giggles.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s so funny?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDid you see the look on Peter\u2019s face when Meliae stood up?\u201d He giggles again.<\/p>\n

Sirius snickers. \u201cHe looked like he had suddenly found himself on a hippogriff!\u201d He laughs out loud.<\/p>\n

\u201cOne that hasn\u2019t eaten in a while!\u201d James howls with laughter.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, he looked like he did that one time when we told him he had to find a date for Winter Dance by the end of the day!\u201d Remus doubles over.<\/p>\n

Lily smiles over at Meliae as the men trade jokes and laughter. \u201cThis thread is. . . light? Right now?\u201d<\/p>\n

Meliae smiles back and fills Lily\u2019s glass. \u201cSmarter, you are. Now think of the next joke.\u201d<\/p>\n


\n<\/strong><\/p>\n

How Many Roads Must a Man Walk Down<\/h2>\n

(from Blowin\u2019 in the Wind, by Bob Dylan)<\/p>\n

When he arrives on the scene, it is crawling with Muggles. \u201cWhat the…\u201d He shoves through the little gate and freezes.<\/p>\n

\u201cSirius!\u201d Hagrid calls him from the shade of a huge tree.<\/p>\n

\u201cHagrid, what\u2019s going…\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201c\u2019S alright, Sirius, really, jus\u2019 go home.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI went to check on Peter…he wasn\u2019t there, and I\u2019m…\u201d He takes another step forward. \u201cWhy are all these Muggles…\u201d His eyes reach the roof. All the color drains from his face.<\/p>\n

\u201cGo home.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius pushes past him. \u201cNo, no, no, no, no…\u201d<\/p>\n

Hagrid grabs his arm and holds him back. \u201cGo home.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat the fuck<\/em>!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201c\u2019S He Who Must Not Be Named, \u2018m sure of it.\u201d He wipes his face on his sleeve. \u201cGod almighty.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat happened? What the fuck happened<\/em>? Where are Lily and James? Where is Harry?<\/em>\u201d He turns to Hagrid. \u201cWhere are they?<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n

Hagrid pulls his coat back. \u201cGot \u2018Arry.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius stumbles to Hagrid\u2019s side. \u201cYou\u2019ve got…but where are…\u201d His eyes wrench back to the cottage. \u201cThey\u2019re…\u201d He turns back to Hagrid. \u201cThey\u2019re not…\u201d<\/p>\n

Hagrid pulls him in tight. Sirius shakes against him. \u201cSirius, they…\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius sobs into Hagrid\u2019s massive chest. \u201cThis \u2013 this is it, isn\u2019t it? It\u2019s this. Oh, God, oh, God, not this, not this, not this this…it\u2019s supposed to be me! Me! Me!<\/em>\u201d His voice is a scream at the end.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019re yeh on abou\u2019?\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius wrenches himself away. He stands his ground for a moment, then turns to Hagrid, his face set. \u201cGive Harry to me, Hagrid. I\u2019m his godfather. I\u2019ll look after him.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve got \u2018im, Sirius. Takin\u2019 \u2018im to Dumbledore. Said Harry was ter go ter his aunt an\u2019 uncle\u2019s.\u201d<\/p>\n

He reaches out, his hands still shaking. \u201cThat\u2019s insane. I\u2019m more his family than those…please, Hagrid…let me take him.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNow, yer in no shape ter do anythin\u2019 about anythin\u2019, Sirius. Yeh…\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius is pressing his hands to his eyes. \u201cHagrid, please, please give Harry to me, please<\/em>…\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI got me orders, Sirius, an\u2019 I\u2019m gonna follow \u2018em.\u201d He wraps his coat back around the tiny figure.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m t-trying very h-hard here not to…to…\u201d He fists his hair.<\/p>\n

\u201cGot my orders from Dumbledore.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius drops his hands from his head. \u201cDumbledore?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeh. Great man, Dumbledore. He knows wha\u2019 he\u2019s doin\u2019.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah…yeah…\u201d Sirius\u2019s eyes stray back to the ruined cottage. His hand presses in on his chest, his eyes sweeping from foundation to twisted, blackened rooftop. \u201cHow? How? How? How?\u201d <\/em>He chants in time to the desperate beating of his own heart. \u201cIt isn\u2019t possible…it\u2019s not possible…who could possibly\u2026\u201d <\/em>And then there is a single soft click in his brain…<\/p>\n

Hagrid pulls Sirius back to his side in a crushing hug. \u201cYeh find yer mates, Sirius. Yeh need \u2018em.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMy mates. Yeah.\u201d Sirius nods, his eyes dead. \u201cTake the bike. I won\u2019t be needing it anymore.\u201d<\/p>\n

*~*<\/p>\n

The explosion blinds him.<\/p>\n

Sound washes over him. His eyes are closed but he feels them, both of them, just there, behind him, and he is sure that if he turns, he will see them. He almost does turn. But he stops.<\/p>\n

They\u2019re dead.<\/p>\n

He opens his eyes. The street is destroyed. He should run. A part of him is running already, fleeing over broken concrete, lifeless bodies…<\/p>\n

A bird overhead slows its flight, then stops, suspended in midair. Everything is silent.<\/p>\n

Sirius looks around.<\/p>\n

She is there, sitting on a letterbox.<\/p>\n

\u201c<\/em>It should have been me. It should have been me! <\/em>I\u2019m the one that broke the Vow!<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n

Her orange eyes sweep him, foot to head. \u201cWe must, each of us, balance. There is no way around it. It is the law of this realm.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThey paid for<\/em> my decision!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cThat is not a weight you must carry. That, and this \u2013 these are someone else\u2019s threads.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s my fault they\u2019re dead!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

She hops down, walks through an electric pole. \u201cThere are always more threads. There is the thread of your debt, and there is the thread of James\u2019s decisions, and the thread of Peter\u2019s; the threads of these lives, and all lives, cross. There is no you. There is no them. You do not truly know what occurred. You do not know the final accounting of anyone involved.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMeliae, if there was ever a time to speak clearly, now is that time.\u201d<\/p>\n

She smiles. \u201cI speak as clearly as I can.\u201d<\/p>\n

He breathes, in and out, shaking. \u201cMeliae, help me…\u201d<\/p>\n

She reaches him, curls her arms around his waist. \u201cMy love, do not fear. I love you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWill you be there?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI will. When you see the veil.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat veil, Meliae? What are you talking about?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI can say no more. This is the thread you must follow.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sirius shakes his head. \u201cI don’t know if I can…\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou are a good man, Sirius.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cA good man. How does that…help me? Right now?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt is an accomplishment, to be a man. Not a child. Do not undervalue what you have done these past months.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMeliae…\u201d<\/p>\n

She pulls away. \u201cA friend of mine once said, \u2018He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end.\u2019 Whatever comes, you cannot know it, but it will be beautiful…like shards of glass in the sun.\u201dThe bird resumes its flight overhead; the noise of the street crashes in.<\/p>\n

\u201cMeliae!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

She is gone.<\/p>\n

\u201cI love…you…more than…\u201d He presses his hand to his chest. He can feel them, he can feel Meliae, he can feel everyone, everything, all these shattered pieces, in his heart.<\/p>\n

He laughs.<\/p>\n

A wizard Apperates in front of him. Magical Law Enforcement agents Apperate around him.<\/p>\n

He straightens himself, throwing his shoulders back, his grey eyes flashing. \u201cIt will be…beautiful.\u201d<\/p>\n

They move toward him, wands out, pointing straight at his heart.<\/p>\n

He throws his arms out from his sides, his face turned to the sun, laughing.<\/p>\n

Fin<\/em><\/p>\n


\n<\/em><\/p>\n

I want to thank (down on my knees, hands pressed together in supplication) Abigail, my faithful beta\/editor, who has been with me through thick and thin, and has helped to shape this story with invaluable feedback, support, and humor. I would have gone completely round the bend had it not been for her.<\/em><\/p>\n

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